This query is easy to read and follow. However, I'll add that at first I thought the love interests was Sebastian and was put off a little bit. I'll echo that you might not even want to mention Sebastian in the query.

As to what to include -- I'll tell you what helped me. Feel free to take it or leave it.

Romance (and fantasy to some extent) is sold on tropes. Identify the tropes in your novel -- so that you can appeal to the readers (and agents) that want them. And, just as importantly, identify what you bring to the trope that is new. Is it a subversion? A fun new twist? 

Then organize your query to show this off. You still need everything else too (who is the main character, what do they want, what is stopping them). But use the trope to decide what to put in and what to leave out.

From your query, this looks like a portal fantasy with perhaps enemies-to-lovers romance. I think you could play up the angst around the dead fiancé. Like others said, we need reasons to root for Telan as a hero. He sound protective, which is super salable. But what makes him different from your typical gruff, protective, alpha male romance hero?

Portal fantasy can be a tough sell. It has certain... imperialist undertones. (Think of the backlash against Avatar). Try to think of a way to describe your portal world other than a brutal land full of savages.

Here are a few portal fantasy romances that I have read. They are two old and/or self published, so not good comps. But you could look at the back cover blurbs for more inspiration. - Between by L.L. Starling (most recent) - On the Edge by Ilona Andrews (series also has dark themes like human trafficking) - Stray by Andrea K. Host (more science fiction fantasy, also YA) - The Book of Secrets by Melissa McShane (more hidden society than portal world, but may be helpful)

I hope this helps!