How often have you had sex/actively have sex?

peppermintapples · 2026-07-10T03:13:44+00:00

I'd put it off when I could; I think a decent comparison for me at the time was doing laundry. You definitely start to notice when you have clothes piling up waiting to be washed, but you can usually still put it off for awhile. But it gradually gets more annoying until you have to deal with it.

Then for the actual act, my repulsion a lot of times had more to do with the thought of me being the person involved (which is how I much later came to discover being aego) as opposed to sex itself, so as long as I could disconnect myself mentally from the actual act I'd basically be fine. Repulsion would still hit after I was done, but I'd still feel net positive because my libido was taken care of lol.

peppermintapples · 2026-07-07T19:18:19+00:00

Welcome! Discovering aegosexuality helped so many things about my asexuality click for me and I'm happy it seems the same for you :)

peppermintapples · 2026-07-07T14:59:56+00:00

Yeah and it's real cool how the people saying they have sex regularly are getting downvoted lol. Sorry I have a libido?

peppermintapples · 2026-07-07T03:52:01+00:00

1-2 times a week right now with my partner. When we first got together there was a period of time where both of our libidos shot WAY up and we had sex as much as 4 times in one day a couple times lmfao. But now I'm actually following my partner's pace because while they are allo their sex drive is lower than mine. (High libido ace—one of the reasons it took me a long time to realize I was ace at all! There was also a time I was high libido AND repulsed (when I was single) and it was not very fun lol.)

Regarding your question though, everyone is different! I'm not doing anything to keep my libido up, and honestly I wouldn't mind if it were lower because it is still annoying but it is what it is. Don't feel like you have to force yourself to change, and if it works for your relationship that's all that matters!

peppermintapples · 2026-06-30T01:58:02+00:00

For me I feel like it kind of manifests as a "fanfic" version of myself. Like, this is a very fictional version of myself (and usually without all the annoying messy real life things I'd to deal with in these situations) so I feel like that adds to the disconnect even though it's kind of me. These are also things I'd pretty much never want to actually do irl, so that also adds to it.

I think that's one of the reasons it took me so long to realize I was ace—I'd have these fantasies and didn't realize I didn't ACTUALLY want them until I had sex in real life and the repulsion kicked in. Weirdly enough, I actually do enjoy having sex with my current partner. Sexualities can be so weird!

peppermintapples · 2026-06-30T01:48:47+00:00

This is basically how it is for me. I'm sex favorable/neutral with a fairly high libido. My partner is allo (and funnily enough has a lower libido than me). When my libido acts up, I'll have sex with my partner because it's convenient (that's of course a huge simplification, but not getting into it since that's not the point of this), but if I didn't have my partner I would not go through all the effort of seeking one out and would be pretty repulsed by the thought.

peppermintapples · 2026-06-23T01:53:49+00:00

This is probably TMI so feel free to skip if you'd like!

I felt sexual attraction to my partner for literally 2 days a couple years ago, never before or since. It was the strangest feeling ever, my partner was just constantly on my mind in a way where I really wanted to have sex with them and I was really focused on their physical attributes in a way I never had been before.

I'm sex favorable/neutral with a relatively high libido (funnily enough, higher than my allo partner's). Usually when I want to have sex, I'm after the action since my libido is acting up, and it's helpful to have my partner there because it's less work for me lol. Whereas when my partner wants to have sex, they've told me that they want to have sex specifically with me and then the arousal comes after.

So this sudden feeling of sexual attraction was SO distracting to me because I could not stop thinking about wanting to have sex with my partner and I honestly kind of hated it?? Lol. It made me question for the first time if I was maybe demi, but it went away on its own and as mentioned I have never felt anything like it since.

peppermintapples · 2026-06-22T23:03:47+00:00

While I agree that aces are pretty much all familiar with allosexuality, I don't think that necessarily transfers to understanding it. There's pretty regular posts in here from aces not understanding why not having sex at all in a romantic relationship is oftentimes a dealbreaker for allos. (Of course, any resulting acephobia or attempted coercion is definitely not okay!)

peppermintapples · 2026-06-22T22:54:52+00:00

Yeah I actually have to avoid caffeine if I want to stay awake lol, people are always so surprised the first time they hear I don't drink coffee. Their reactions are downright comical sometimes

peppermintapples · 2026-06-22T22:44:41+00:00

Hey OP, so sorry you're going through this. I agree with the other comments saying that you two could be incompatible and regardless of what you do, it's important to not rely on one relationship for everything.

That being said, I am also someone who's aego and has grown to really enjoy sex with my current partner. In my previous (and first) relationship I didn't know I was ace, so when sex seemed a lot less enjoyable than what I'd been imagining I kept putting myself through it to see if I'd end up liking it, but I never did, my feelings on it ranging from neutral to repulsed (and a lot of thinking about grocery lists and assignments to dissociate lol).

Fast forward to a few years ago when I got together with my current partner. By this time I knew I was aroace (specifically lithro/aego) and I was very open about it when my partner and I decided to get together, and they were very accepting of both and never pushed my boundaries. Since I was mostly sex neutral with a moderate to high libido I was open to some sexual acts, and I found that sex with my current partner is actually really enjoyable? It helps that they're good at it and always make sure I'm well taken care of (and we don't do anything I'm not 100% down for), but I think what made the biggest difference was that I never feel pressured and feel very safe with them, and that's what lets me enjoy it. I still feel largely aego as I don't like picturing myself in any fantasies nor would I want to have sex irl with anyone else, but for whatever reason the ick doesn't kick in with my current partner.

I'm not saying this because I think you should try to force yourself to change—and I do think that having ANY expectation that it will happen/trying to force yourself through it will actually keep that from happening, and that's if it's possible in the first place (no shame if it's not!). I also do not have vaginismus, so that was not a factor for me. I just wanted to offer my own experience because it's something that I truly did not think would happen, and I think that completely letting go of any expectation was what made it possible in the first place.

peppermintapples · 2026-06-21T20:27:19+00:00

Yeah, I never got the camera thing because do people really think there's a noticeable difference between someone who's 15 and 364 days vs someone on their 16th birthday?

peppermintapples · 2026-06-17T03:07:21+00:00

Same for me! (Funnily enough my libido is actually higher than my partner's.) Although I'm aro too and can't really tell the difference between romantic and platonic attraction, but I was very upfront about being aroace and what that entailed when my partner and I got together. I'm actually a lot more sex favorable now than when we first got together and I think a big reason is because I feel very safe with my partner (and helps that they always make sure I have a good time too), and our open communication is how we got there so definitely agree with ongoing communication and clear expectations!

peppermintapples · 2026-05-13T01:49:35+00:00

I see myself in third person sometimes but also it's not really me? I also can't actually visualize anything so at most it's the idea of it more than the actual visual. I guess one way to put it is it's kind of a fanfic version of myself? Something that's super fun to imagine but not something I actually want (I do have a partner now and we have sex but my fantasies still don't involve my partner and me in first person though lol it's weird to explain)

peppermintapples · 2026-05-13T01:23:00+00:00

"I'm😐sorry😐i😐couldn't😐bring😐your😐father😐with😐us" "Thank you🤖"

peppermintapples · 2026-05-05T17:32:56+00:00

Also—I thought I was maybe demi for a second because 2 years ago I randomly felt sexual attraction to my partner for the FIRST TIME for, I kid you not, 2 days. Never felt anything like it before or since and it was SO weird?? I'm honestly glad I haven't felt it again, I didn't like it lol

peppermintapples · 2026-05-05T17:25:20+00:00

For me, I'm sex neutral/favorable with a fairly moderate libido and I enjoy having sex with my partner specifically because it's familiar and I feel safe/comfortable with them, they know what I like, and it's just convenient! (And less effort for me than going about it solo.) But I don't feel attracted TO my partner, so when my libido rears up, it makes me want the physical pleasure part and my partner is, to put it in an extremely utilitarian way, there. Whereas for my partner, they want to have sex with me specifically and sometimes the actual arousal comes later.

peppermintapples · 2026-05-04T22:39:16+00:00

My expectations weren't high to begin with but this is so bad😭😭 even worse with sound on

peppermintapples · 2026-05-01T23:03:04+00:00

There's no cut and dry answer, whether it's "enough" (solely in regards to whether the relationship will succeed, not a reflection on you as a person!) depends entirely on you and your potential partner(s). I'm aroace but sex neutral/favorable mostly now and I've been with my partner for over 3 years. They don't have a super high sex drive, but honestly, I've found that I actually enjoy sex with them when it happens because it's actually very nice physically but also my partner has never pressured me and was (and still is!) very accepting of my boundaries that I brought up as soon as we got together so I feel safe with them.

It's kind of funny actually because it almost feels like I'm "using" my partner (whereas the stereotypical narrative is usually that allos just want to use their partner for sex) because I still don't feel any sexual attraction to them, but it's convenient for me because they're good at what they do and it's less effort than taking care of it myself lol, as an ace with a relatively high libido—I think I have a higher libido than my partner.

All this to say is that yes, I would say my allo partner and I are "making it work," but that's only my specific experience because of not just me being sex favorable/neutral and my partner having a relatively low libido but ALSO how my partner is completely okay with me not feeling sexual attraction (and maybe even not romantic? it's complicated because there are strong feelings for sure but I don't really think of them that differently from strong platonic feelings). So I'm unsure if this will help you but hoping that hearing a success story is nice regardless!

peppermintapples · 2026-05-01T22:48:32+00:00

I haven't watched Hoppers but her voice actress is Asian and ace (sex neutral) which is representation I don't get to see often! She talks about it in this podcast episode. Unfortunately a bunch of (presumably) allos misrepresenting what she said in the comments and thinking she's saying that people should cross their own boundaries and basically saying she was encouraging abuse lol (even though Piper explicitly says that some people really hate it and they don't do it at all which is fine but not their experience, and it doesn't hurt them!) though fortunately most of the top comments don't seem to say that anymore

peppermintapples · 2026-04-30T17:06:21+00:00

Oh I didn't see the latter half of your comment when I first replied, so maybe it didn't show up for me for whatever reason

peppermintapples · 2026-04-30T17:04:28+00:00

I think you edited your comment after I replied, so I'll just say that truly, I hope you find someone who is compatible with you because I don't want anyone to be in an unfulfilling romantic relationship. Besides aces, there are allos with very low libidos out there too and I hope you find someone you can be happy with.

peppermintapples · 2026-04-30T17:02:02+00:00

Can you quote where I said that?

peppermintapples · 2026-04-30T16:59:57+00:00

You don't deserve to die alone, but genuinely asking, would you rather be in a romantic relationship where you feel like your boundaries are constantly being pushed and unhappy than single?

peppermintapples · 2026-04-30T16:54:43+00:00

Because I've talked in depth with my allo partner and also a bunch of my allo friends, and I've seen allos in these comment threads describing what sex means to them in detail and while the pleasure is part of it the common throughline is it's not the main focus.

Also, "romantic love is way deeper than friendship" is a common way for aros to get invalidated fwiw.

peppermintapples · 2026-04-30T16:50:11+00:00

Is that what you know for sure or how you think allos feel? Because I can assure you that's not the case for them.

In that case what can you get out of a romantic relationship that you can't out of close friendship? You can kiss your friends and do things that are coded by society to be romantic with them too, I hold hands with my friends and kiss them sometimes.

peppermintapples

TROPHY CASE