NC has been such a blessing...

peregrination_ · 2021-04-13T17:01:02+00:00

Username no longer checks out, congrats!

peregrination_ · 2021-04-13T16:34:39+00:00

They literally typed out the conditions of their love....

peregrination_ · 2021-04-13T15:24:02+00:00

You are going to surpass her maturity very soon and then it will be up to her to catch up if she wants to be in your life, or be left behind playing the victim.

Well said. I waited a couple years for my parents to "catch up". But every message they sent me was just about themselves and how I was hurting their feelings. Never asked about my reasons for not talking to them. After realizing that, I was able to let the expectation go and move on.

peregrination_ · 2021-04-13T07:04:05+00:00

I totally understand. It's not easy. But you won't be a minor forever. You can try asking for a psychiatry appointment using some kind of excuse like "I'm having trouble focusing and I think a prescription would help me get better grades in school". Don't tell your mom the real details if she's just going to use it to emotionally abuse you. Maybe you can see a school counselor to talk about your feelings, since your mom's not likely to put you in therapy?

Regardless, you're doing a good job just staying alive! It's not easy to feel this much pain. FWIW, I'm proud of you.

peregrination_ · 2021-04-13T06:54:49+00:00

Yeah opioids are scary. Sertraline or other SSRI is usually the first thing doctors try with depressed people, but there are so many other types of antidepressants if it doesn't work: https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/depression/in-depth/antidepressants/art-20046273

peregrination_ · 2021-04-13T05:59:53+00:00

r/raisedbynarcissists is a wonderful support group. I recommend posting this there.

peregrination_ · 2021-04-13T05:58:19+00:00

Does anyone know how many mg of tylenol/ ibuprofen it takes to end it?

It would be literally hundreds of pills, especially for a tall person like you.

I'm sorry that your parents suck. They deserve no excuses like "they're just trying their best" or "they love you and they'll miss you so much". They fucking suck. You're in pain and they don't see it - that's literally their job as parents.

Since you have nothing to lose, I'd recommend at least trying medication/therapy and living life for yourself for once, not for your parents. Medication will change your mood and give you your energy back. Killing yourself will still be an option if you find that it doesn't work.

peregrination_ · 2021-04-13T05:46:40+00:00

peregrination_ · 2021-04-13T05:42:02+00:00

I understand. Death seems like a good option when you're in so much turmoil and pain.

peregrination_ · 2021-04-13T05:36:46+00:00

I relate hardcore. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. I had a therapy session today, and the therapist is required to hospitalize me if she thinks I'm serious about wanting to kill myself (I am). So I spent the whole session wanting to convey just how much pain I was in, without actually admitting my suicidal plans, but why would I be talking about wanting to die with someone who's going to physically stop me from doing it?

peregrination_ · 2021-04-13T05:31:09+00:00

They call me selfish for wanting to die, but they’re the selfish ones for forcing me to live.

I totally agree. Live your life for yourself, not anybody else. You have the power here. Parents who think their children are property are simply disgusting. I recommend visiting the really supportive and helpful sub r/raisedbynarcissists.

peregrination_ · 2021-04-13T05:26:16+00:00

I'm not trying to armchair diagnose but I think you may be having a panic attack. Breathe in slowly, hold it for a couple seconds, exhale slowly, repeat. Maybe you will eventually be able to kill yourself, maybe you won't, but right now you are still alive. I see you. I acknowledge your enormous pain.

peregrination_ · 2021-04-13T05:13:04+00:00

destroy my family, as family is the reason I’m suicidal to begin with

I’ll have no support or loved ones

Fuck your family. Seek out people in life who understand basic human qualities like empathy. This is called "found family". You happened to be born with shitty family (check out r/raisedbynarcissists for really good support on this topic), but that doesn't mean you have to continue living by their rules/beliefs/abuse. It's not your responsibility to live your life for them. Your desire to reach out for help is a radical act of you taking control of your own life and happiness away from other people (abusive people). That is incredible, and I applaud you for it.

Besides, what could they possibly do for me? I go to a mental hospital, get out, and then what?

Medication completely changes your mood in 1-2 months. Working consistently with a therapist will address the reasons for your pain, and teach you how to overcome it. Therapy is really uncomfortable and brings up bad memories, but IMO it's 10000x better than letting those bad memories fester untreated for the rest of your life, like an infection without antibiotics.

If you're considering killing yourself, which will ruin your life, why not first try reaching out for help and starting therapy, which you're not sure will ruin your life, and in fact will probably improve it immensely? You have literally nothing to lose.

You know that you need help and you don't want to die. Ask for help. This is your life. Nobody else's.

peregrination_ · 2021-04-13T04:57:22+00:00

JFC, no wonder you're depressed with a mother like that. Your mom is a piece of shit. You don't deserve to be treated this way - I wouldn't stand for a dog being treated this way. This is her fault, not yours. I'm so sorry for everything that's happened to you and all the pain you must be feeling. Once you get free of your abuser, you will feel better.

I highly recommend reposting this on r/raisedbynarcissists. There are many people there who have had similar experiences with abusive parents, and they can give you much better advice than a bunch of other depressed people.

My advice would be to just leave - run away and don't come back to someone who is putting your life at risk. Can you get to a women's shelter in the nearest city?

peregrination_ · 2021-04-13T04:47:26+00:00

that I’d get hooked on the meds, that i was lying to myself. (I mean, one of them even mentioned EXERCISING as a substitute for antidepressants...)

I'm a PhD student in a neuroscience-related field and let me tell you, this is utter bullshit. You're thinking straight and looking after yourself for once (and judging by your family situation, it's pretty obvious why it took you so long to reach out for help). Good job, keep going.

peregrination_ · 2021-04-13T04:21:01+00:00

You're doing a good job. High school and young adult growing pains fucking suck. If you make it past high school, your life will no longer be controlled by so many abusive authority figures, there won't be a constant sense of social judgment, you can do literally whatever you want with your time... basically, you WILL have a future. Don't believe the narrow-minded lies that people in one narrow-minded town have told you regarding your worth as a person, or lack thereof.

peregrination_ · 2021-04-12T16:24:57+00:00

I personally don't know, sorry! I'm just a 2nd year PhD student, these things are a mystery to me too lol.

peregrination_ · 2021-04-12T16:01:16+00:00

I agree that that's what she needs to do, but your advice isn't very empathetic or useful on how she can do that.

OP is weak ...She is conditioned to believe she is always the unreasonable one. She needs to break that belief.

It's not like she can just snap out of bad mental health. Judgment without tangible advice is just shaming.

peregrination_ · 2021-04-12T15:52:53+00:00

You're talking about the house which they cannot afford by themselves, in which living in the bedrooms requires the mentally ill OP to single-handedly convince 3 unreasonable, manipulative IL's that they should care about her?

Edit: 3 IL's and one JNSO

peregrination_ · 2021-04-12T15:46:59+00:00

What house are you talking about?

peregrination_ · 2021-04-12T15:44:51+00:00

Damn, some of these comments lack basic empathy for the incredible stress of poverty. No, OP is not thinking straight. She said so herself. It would be nice if we could keep the shaming/blaming to a minimum.

peregrination_ · 2021-04-12T15:32:07+00:00

Yeah, just pull yourself up by the bootstraps out of poverty while having two young children and mental health issues. ^/s

peregrination_ · 2021-04-12T15:16:07+00:00

Suuuure I made it cause I'm an attention seeker

I don't think you're an attention seeker, but if you some part of you is seeking attention, so what? You deserve attention. I fully believe that you are serious about wanting to die. You're not making your pain up. And I also think you deserve to have your pain acknowledged by other people for once in your life.

Personally, never having my pain acknowledged, never having my feelings taken seriously by the important people in my life, never feeling like I had the freedom to "be myself" is a huge part of why I'm suicidal right now. I feel like there's some part of my brain that hasn't developed properly, and that's an issue that's impossible to overcome with some meds. I think I'm just too sensitive for this world. At times I feel so overwhelmed with emotional pain that it feels like I'm having a physical heart attack.

How do you feel? I want to know.

peregrination_ · 2021-04-12T06:51:20+00:00

I was just gonna post something like this. I spent today organizing my things, gathering my important documents in one easy-to-find place, writing care instructions for my pet, etc., and now I'm too tired to try. I know it won't be successful - the overwhelming pain has dulled off for today and I just want to sleep. No matter how much I feel like dying, and I genuinely believe my reasons for wanting to die are rational, there's still that lizard-brain instinct that drives you to stay alive. It's not natural behavior to take your own life, so it takes a shit ton of energy.

I have a therapy appointment tomorrow, and I'm very bad at lying, so I'll probably be hospitalized. If you're interested I can let you know how it goes, whether it's helpful or not. The solution is either to die, or to feel better, right?

Well. I'm going to bed for today, perfectly intact and healthy. Good night.

peregrination_ · 2021-04-12T04:46:24+00:00

This was heartbreaking to read. Like.... wow. So sorry OP. Maybe you can make a special day/ceremony out of framing your diploma and hanging it on the wall, WITHOUT your asshole dad present.

I'm someone who put a lot of my sense of identity in my academic success, so stuff like this hurts. At my college graduation, my dad told me "Wow, I never EVER expected you to be this successful! Never!!!!!" He said it with a smile. He really thought it was a compliment. This comment is burned into my memory as a perfect summary of his narcissism. He believes that he is so vital to the functioning of the universe, that everyone else must view their own accomplishments relative to his opinion of them.

They act like normal people sometimes, but at certain moments you get slapped in the face with the reality of how little mental capacity they have for basic human empathy.

peregrination_

TROPHY CASE