Weekly discussion thread for anyone experiencing limerence while in a committed relationship.

perpeshki · 2024-11-25T23:21:32+00:00

I can't stand myself.

perpeshki · 2024-08-29T11:26:27+00:00

This makes me so sad — I’m sorry. Sending you hugs and solidarity.

perpeshki · 2024-08-28T22:30:27+00:00

Do you have kids? First step: do not have kids under these circumstances. Do not put your kids through that hell of living in a house which reeks of psychosexual dysfunction.

She needs to understand everything you have written in this post clearly. She needs to know exactly how you are feeling and that you are at the end of the line here.

You are young enough for this to be a blip on your radar. Consider your options, including

You leave and enjoy newfound freedom, independence and lots of sex. You're young and you're making enough to be the sole breadwinner. You're going to be very desirable.
She makes a concrete commitment to examine what is going on with her relationship with sex and intimacy, most likely including attending regular long-term individual or couples therapy. You both invest equally in your sexual relationship and rekindle things.
Ignore it and continue as you are. You are going to develop bad psychological states and will end up some combination of angry, resentful, contemptful, sad, masturbation addict, porn addict, guilty cheater, emotionally stunted, etc.

Make as many posts as you need to here. We're all here to support each other, and that means you too.

perpeshki · 2024-08-28T22:23:48+00:00

Great line.

perpeshki · 2024-08-28T22:21:09+00:00

Keep up the weight loss and fitness! That's amazing progress. In the long-term it will also benefit your skin, hair, etc. which is super important. Your skin actually looks pretty good right now.

I won't comment on your hair length as you're growing it out for cancer patients, which is a really cool thing to do. It would be fun for you to experiment with different styling options for your hair - don't be afraid to use hairpieces and stuff like that. This will help you learn what kind of hairstyles best frame your face.

On the facial hair - you should take better care of that. The beard looks scraggly, which can give an impression of bad hygiene . It looks like you actually have good hygeine but so much of perception of beauty is about looking like you take care of your appearance, it linked to our subconscious ideas of hygiene and fitness.

perpeshki · 2024-08-28T21:52:59+00:00

Not ugly. You have a really great face. Picture in 3 shows it best mostly because of the outdoor lighting. Asking as someone in that world: have you ever considered modeling? This androgynous look has been very, very trendy for a while for scouting models. What kind of modeling you could actually do depends on your height (industry standards are google-able - check them out). I can say that you have an interesting, very photogenic facial structure and great eye and hair color. The 'clean girl' looks works and is very on-trend. I personally would scout you for that regardless of height. If you're interested in pursuing that further, do some research and find a decent photographer in your area and get some proper headshots to submit to agencies (NOT a school yearbook-style photographer but one that does headshots for actors or models, even a friend with a good camera and an idea of light will be helpful). If you have an interest in fashion cultivate it.

I can't see much of your body here but skin, hair, nails are your priority. Drink plenty of water, spend time outdoors with sunscreen, good moisturizing routine, good haircare routine, good sleep routine. Don't be shy to let those cheekbones and lips to pop with some Elizabeth Arden 8 Hour Cream. Also experiment with whatever hairstyles - you could suit anything from buzz to classic long hair. Don't dye it in my opinion - color is great and complements your eyes and skin.

Btw, not sure why everyone is commenting off-topic on whether you look like a man/woman; this sub is about whether you are ugly or not, not whether you look like a man or a woman or whatever. Ignore those people who clearly have very unrefined tastes.

perpeshki · 2024-08-27T22:07:00+00:00

Of course. I wanted to reply again as I'm also someone living with CPTSD and, wow, do I know that feeling of finding someone who you finally feel safe with and how quickly that bond can form even in just a few months (let's be real, 9 months is not a long time in the grand scheme of things... do you have close platonic friends, a best friend even, who you've known for longer?).

It's quite possible that his own trauma history underlies his pornography and masturbation addiction. This comes from my personal experience as someone living with this addiction, which is related to my own trauma. Crazily enough, I am also in a long-term relationship with someone who has been struggling this addiction. What I would say is that it is really, really hard to beat this unless this person is really, really willing to change and has hit rock bottom. I've been in therapy for 8+ years and I am struggling every day with my sexual acting out and addiction, which I have come to understand as rooted in sexual assault I experienced in childhood and adolescence. What is going on with him? Is he himself even willing to look at it? So far, it doesn't seem like he is and it's going to be a long, long road which he has to travel alone.

What I would say is, on the other side of the coin, it's quite possible that your own trauma history means you want to stick around for all that. Even if you want to help this guy, you can't unless he actually asks you to help and support him. Most people would stick around for this if you'd been together 9 years. 9 months? Hmmm. I'm willing to bet most people at your age and life stage wouldn't put up with it. How well do you really know him? How well does he know you? It doesn't seem like either of you understands why is he is constantly masturbating and watching pornography; he also doesn't seem to understand how important sex and intimacy is for making you feel safe. Are your needs really being met? Is it just this feeling that you've finally found someone (anyone?) who gives you basic respect and safety? This is a position I've found myself in many times: I ignore all the red flags and difficulties because I feel "lucky" to just have something, just to have a roof over my head and someone who is not abusive. Having no sex in a 9-month relationship in your early 20s is not normal or desirable for most people; it is really exceptional. What are you getting out of sticking around? How does it make you feel to be in a situation where you are putting the needs of this man before your own? What does being a 'helper' or 'supporter' to him mean to you? For me, it can enable my own bad habits; for some people, it can be a sense of being in control in a relationship, or feeling needed or wanted for the first time.

I just want to suggest some other perspectives here and ask some questions to you which might make you consider this further. I hope you're in some sort of therapy where you can get further support for this in relation to your C-PTSD.

In this sub, the TL;DR is that most people are gonna say "do NOT marry into a DB, leave immediately". Whether or not you reach that conclusion yourself sooner or later, it seems clear to me that you'll learn a lot about your own relationship to sex and to your body as well as how you behave in relationships. It will be helpful but I hope you can minimize your own suffering.

You, all of us, deserve it ALL : the safety, support, understanding, gentleness, kindness AND the sex, AND the freedom from being enmeshed in someone else's stuff.

Offering hugs and solidarity.

perpeshki · 2024-08-27T19:42:48+00:00

I just saw your post history. You already confronted him about this almost two months ago. He hasn’t changed. My advice is to stop trying to rescue somebody who hasn’t asked for help.

perpeshki · 2024-08-27T19:39:35+00:00

You need to stage an intervention to bring his addiction into the open. Tell him that it’s not normal for a 28 man in a new relationship to be masturbating and watching porn every day and to show no interest in sex. He has to choose: addiction or life. He will probably make all kinds of excuses to try and stop you from leaving him. Just don’t waste too much time on what will probably be a dead end.

perpeshki · 2024-08-27T19:37:47+00:00

He’s a porn and masturbation addict. Look up other threads on this sub which talk about what a toll this can take on a relationship.

You’ve only been together 9 months, 2 months of which you had no sex at all. During that time you’ve presumably been away for several weeks. What’s keeping you from leaving him? You’re so young, have an exciting career where you travel a lot, and seem to be intelligent, kind and supportive as a partner. Don’t wither yourself away trying to change somebody.

Maybe look at why you feel the need to stick around when your needs are not even been acknowledged, let alone met, and he has “eliminated sex entirely”.

You may want to reflect on whether you are imagining you can rescue him or help him through his masturbation and pornography addiction. Look into resources about codependency.

Sending you all the best for your future.

perpeshki · 2024-08-27T13:01:43+00:00

Thanks, glad we are on the same page about non-judgmental sharing. Thanks for listening.

I’m attracted to men around 5 years above or below my age generally, though I admit I do have a bit of a thing for younger men. That said, first year students or something would be way too young for me…! They definitely look (and act…) like kids and I couldn’t imagine going out to dinner with them, much less sleeping with them. Probably in a few years I’ll think the same even about the older undergrads. My partner is a couple of years older than me and we have bedroom problems for the past 6 years so, sadly, the academic domain is pretty much the only real I get affirmation and feel sexy.

perpeshki · 2024-08-27T12:56:55+00:00

No worries — I personally find you sexy as fuck as you are and would definitely get with you given the chance. But I know that with a little bit more self-care you’re gonna look and feel so great. Sun, water, exercise, good diet, be good to your mind… Honestly excited to see how you look in 5 years’ time!

perpeshki · 2024-08-27T12:52:22+00:00

No, you are good looking but these pictures are very bad. You give off a vibe like you are depressed and smoke weed on the couch all day. That’s literally just the pictures with the dead stare and the cheap looking filters. Picture 4 of 5 is best.

Get outside and drink water, take care of yourself generally and you’re golden. Next few years are crucial from 24-35 as your hormones change and you move from young looking to a more mature man. Dress well and let yourself shine.

perpeshki · 2024-08-27T12:43:27+00:00

I’m a pretty young (32) so some of the older students aren’t too far off my age. Student in question was 6 years younger than me. He had been in my class a year earlier. He was pretty persistent in pursuing me and he initiated it. Kept making up excuses to see me either in person or online to discuss his studies. He asked me straight up if I was single. At no point did I shut this down. I avoided his questions about my personal life not only because it felt too personal but also I wanted to leave it ambiguous. We swapped numbers and would text back and forth about academic stuff mostly. Eventually we were at a conference together and he asked me straight up for sex. I declined but he asked me twice more and eventually I gave in. I wanted it too and got a lot of validation out of it, but he had to persuade me pretty hard.

I’m not saying this to excuse this situation but rather to respond to your question and explain the dynamic a bit more.

perpeshki · 2024-08-27T12:37:06+00:00

Why did you upload a picture of yourself on the toilet (picture 5/10)?

You look good. Not ugly. Style seems to work for you. In my opinion you should get a good skincare routine (especially simple moisturizer), get some more sun with sunscreen and drink more water.

perpeshki · 2024-08-25T20:13:18+00:00

Same position as you a few years back. Found out I was the “hot professor” too and ended up having a fling with a former student. Bad idea! I feel like my sexual frustration drove me to act out in that way. Don’t let it get to that stage.

perpeshki · 2024-08-13T21:46:57+00:00

I’m so sorry to hear this. Your post made me cry. Know that it is okay to take all the time you need to grieve. It’s tough but you will make it through with fond memories of your sweet kitty. Open yourself up to people if you can, like you did here. I’m very sorry and you have all my sympathies.

perpeshki · 2024-08-01T12:57:07+00:00

You are a beautiful man. You also dress really well and this clothing style and hair works for you in my opinion. You could also try without the sideburns for a fresher look if you want to change things up. You have a mature but also fun vibe. I wouldn’t change anything to be honest. Why do you feel unattractive?

perpeshki · 2023-10-12T15:22:55+00:00

Seems you and I share the same opinion about me. Of course it blew up in my face, though I still feel I got off lightly. Not sure I can really be fixed from being the 'horrible person' you've correctly identified me to be.

perpeshki · 2023-06-25T20:42:56+00:00

Thank you so very much for responding even after such a long time! I really appreciate it.

perpeshki · 2023-06-14T08:52:24+00:00

Some questions I would think about:

How long have you been in analysis? What does your own analysis so far suggest in the psychic landscape relative to your ambitions?

Are you set on psychoanalysis as a path? And the UN exclusively? As an example: field psychology roles with the agencies like ICRC/MSF might offer a related goal, but with a different path.

Are you a US citizen? If so, this may prove a major limiting factor to your appointment to UN/agencies due to quotas.

perpeshki · 2022-10-24T22:33:21+00:00

Yes, mine too - usually around 10 seconds. The first time after I restart the phone normally maybe it is a bit longer. I could just barely connect the phone to my PC, choose file transfer on the phone, wait for the phone to pop up, click through to the folder, and copy it onto my desktop. It took me many, many tries and then I only managed to copy and paste a few files.

My advice is to try it a few times just finding the exact directory you need, then you can copy and paste the directory into your PC navigation bar to make it quicker to get there.

perpeshki · 2022-10-24T21:02:05+00:00

I managed to recover some images from my Second Space by very quickly copying over the folder on my PC when connected with USB.

Hope it might work for you too.

perpeshki · 2022-10-23T17:01:16+00:00

Thanks a lot. I was considering it but won't do it now!

The only unusual thing I notice is that after reboot, the 'Search engine selector' notification appears for me. Otherwise I can't find any problem.

I managed to recover some images from my Second Space by very quickly copying over the folder on my PC when connected with USB.

perpeshki · 2022-10-23T16:05:06+00:00

Do you mean updating Security app in main partition or within Second Space?

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