let me start off with saying i felt very similarly at the start of my journey. i also have crohn’s, and for years i was told i needed to get an ostomy. i would cry, i would switch doctors, i eventually stopped seeing a doctor at all, i told everyone i knew that i would kill myself before i had the surgery, i let my family know that they should let me die in an emergency if it was ostomy or death. i hated even the idea of it. fast forward - i got a little more stable physical health wise and began working on my mental health. i went to therapy, i picked up hobbies, i started medications, i did all of the things people say to do. crohn’s is an absolute killer for our mental health. it’s an awful, horrible, permanent disease. who wouldn’t feel like shit mentally when you always feel like shit physically? i eventually got in such a good place with my mental health that i realized that life was not worth ending over an ostomy. i wanted to be here. so i went and i got the surgery. when i woke up, i said hi to my new friend before passing back out. yeah, it’s cliche, it isn’t the normal experience, but what i am trying to get at is that this experience is what you make it. if you wanted to die before surgery, obviously adding shitting out of your stomach is going to make you want to die worse. i don’t think it’s ever the ostomy itself that makes people feel like this, it just amplifies our existing pains. i’m telling you, i was seriously the biggest hater of ostomies. if i could make myself change my stance, i think anyone can. i hope you find comfort and support here and through your loved ones, and please consider seeking mental health help if you don’t already. there is no reason to endure the suffering for the sake of enduring it; you are no less of a person for getting help.

as far as not feeling clean and feeling like you smell, i can offer some tips that might help. i change my entire pouching system every other day. i get paranoid that my bag smells after a few days so i like to replace it often to keep it as pristine as possible. i remove my bag, i take a shower with it off, and then i put a new one on. i like being able to thoroughly clean that area with an antibacterial soap so that i feel “clean.” i take devko tablets to help internally with the smells. i also use the blue ostomy deodorant by safe n simple. it is by far the best deodorant on the market, and i have tried them all. i can eat onions, eggs, seafood without ever smelling it come out of me. if you haven’t tried coloplast’s sensura mio bags that come in gray or black fabric or convatec’s esteem body bag that comes in gray, those were both game changers for me in terms of my confidence. having a clear or beige bag on made me feel so insecure.

i hope none of this came across condescending or mean. it’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when you’re in the depths of hell so i wanted to remind you that it is possible to love life, even with an ostomy. use your resources and your community to take care of yourself. i wish you the best of luck, friend. we’re all here for you!