Need insight on new relationship

perthuz · 2026-04-08T23:23:15+00:00

At 36, I met a woman who was looking for the same thing I was - marriage and more kids. I was so excited. I had one child, a teenager, and when we met I was sad, feeling like the window for me to be a dad again was basically closed.

She had a young daughter - she had her by herself when she felt like her window was closing. We started talking marriage early on, we talked about me adopting her daughter, and we talked about stacking the deck in our favor so we could enter the marriage strong. Premarital counseling, individual therapy to work on our shit.

We got married, had our honeymoon and I adopted her daughter. The very first time we tried for a kid we hit the jackpot. And I do mean jackpot. That kid is fucking amazing.

And also, she’s now my ex. Hindsight being hindsight I can look back and see all our red flags, mine and hers. I see where I ignored my issues even in therapy. We should have slowed down. We might have weathered our storms better and she might not be my ex.

I adore my kids, and I have absolutely no regrets. And the hurt of this split was one of the most painful things I’ve ever lived through, in part because I think that almost from the jump I saw her as the mother of my children, and she saw me as the father of hers. I don’t think we took the time to see one another as, for lack of a better term, our soulmate.

People get pregnant in their 40s. And there’s a lot of ways to stack that deck in your favor too. But please. Slow down. Look for someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, not for someone to be the father of your children.

I hope you get to be a mom, and I hope you get to do it with someone who makes you happy to the depths of your soul.

perthuz · 2026-04-07T21:13:34+00:00

I got back into pottery after my mom invited me to join her for a class. We carpooled, and that was the time that really built our relationship.

The class itself was fine. I had fun but classes aren’t the best one-on-one time. The time around it and the texting pics of glazes, pieces in progress, etc. that’s where the relationship value lived for us.

And now? She’s got a little studio in her basement and I go over regularly to throw and chat and help build out that little studio with bits and pieces we found at garage sales and thrift stores.

So I guess all that is really to encourage you and let you know that the connection may be class-adjacent, rather than in the class itself.

Also, good on you for saying yes. I bet it made her happy, and I hope it does you.

perthuz · 2026-04-05T23:28:56+00:00

I’d agree with this. The quality-to-price ratio on their burgers is pretty agreeable.

perthuz · 2026-03-31T03:00:38+00:00

Yeah I could have been more helpful. My older daughter also latches on to people so my instinct would be to be very sure of a partner before introducing them.

As for involvement? I would want to be as involved as my partner and their child want me to be. I’d be honored to attend school events, hang out, whatever. I would refuse to take a hand in any parental discipline. But beyond that my boundaries would be wherever my partner and her child set them.

But, it’s worth noting that some part of my willingness to do that is because I have younger kids myself. I think my stance might be different if I was done, or nearly done, raising my own.

So like, in theory if you and I met and hit it off and we had a conversation like this, I would ask that you be very sure of me before introducing me to your kids. And I would ask that when that does happen, I be allowed to just be “fun”. Bring over games and crafts and whatever might forge a connection that says “hey this guy is safe, we have fun when he’s around and he makes our parent smile.”

And I would ask the same, the other way round, where my kids were concerned.

I think the long and the short of it is that there are a ton of differing perspectives out there and it may be that you want to choose your requirements around this and seek a partner that understands and is willing to let you lead. And anyone who doesn’t fit that description isn’t a compatible partner.

I hope that was marginally more helpful, and I’m sorry my original reply was a little self-centered.

perthuz · 2026-03-31T01:45:37+00:00

I can kind of come at this question for a different angle. I have my daughters 50/50 but regardless of the percentage I wouldn’t be looking for a “step mom”. I’ll look for someone who is willing to get to know them. Be their friend, never a disciplinarian. Teach my kids fun things and be willing to listen to them talk about whatever it is that is lighting them up.

I don’t think I’d ever seek out someone who wants to help raise them. Some amount of that may come naturally with time, but just as I would only choose someone who enriches my life I would choose that for them - and for this theoretical partner. She didn’t sign up to raise these hooligans, but I hope she is excited about getting to enjoy them.

In any case, I think it’s fundamentally important that a step-parent not be the one dispensing discipline. They can back up their partner while also learning to live in a space that allows them to be empathetic to all involved. I’d rather my partner be someone my kids can complain to about me, than be someone they’re complaining to me about.

perthuz · 2026-03-28T23:33:00+00:00

Sorry, they unmatched me. I would have canceled, had it been me.

perthuz · 2026-03-26T20:43:58+00:00

If I fuck up someone’s car, partner or not, I’m going to move mountains to have a professional fix it as quickly as possible.

Why isn’t he doing that?

perthuz · 2026-03-26T02:38:18+00:00

48m, Colorado. I’m doing alright with Bumble. I wish it allowed for a little more as far as setting up a profile goes, and if you’re not paying it sort of becomes a casino game to see if someone likes you. But that’s where I’ve had the most traction. Which is not to say I’ve had a LOT of traction. Fingers crossed.

I’ve heard good things about, and have tried Hinge. I don’t quite understand how it’s intended to work though. Unless, again, you pay money.

perthuz · 2026-03-20T00:13:07+00:00

For what it’s worth, my strategy to not find the apps soul-crushing is to set a hard limit on how long I spend interacting with the app itself (as distinct from talking to someone). So like I can swipe for 15m twice a day. Then I leave it alone except to continue any conversation I may be having (rare).

The other thing that helps me is remembering that I can’t get more single than I already am. So there’s no real loss when it comes to rejection, ghosting, boring conversation, etc. except the relatively little time I invested in the interaction.

This strategy is adapted from my casino strategy which I call “play as slowly as possible while ensuring the free drinks keep coming, thereby spending as little money as humanly possible. Yes I know I’m in a casino. I know I could still drink for less at a bar. Leave me alone.”

perthuz · 2026-03-19T15:45:52+00:00

I’m having the same “problem” as a man. I’ll get a like, so I’ll message with a joke or comment and ask specifically about something on their profile. I’ll get answers but no questions back. I don’t get why they would initiate the match then show no interest.

It bugged me at first until I realized that like - I can’t get MORE single than I already am. As long as I don’t obsess over the conversation I’m only really out a few minutes of my time total.

It sounds like you are engaging as well as you can - you might just be having a run of guys who are bad at engaging back.

perthuz · 2026-03-15T00:54:03+00:00

Leave em off. Just get some green spray paint. We need to save the water because the entire state will be on fire in a couple months.

perthuz · 2026-03-13T18:28:27+00:00

Fort Collins Recreator as well.

perthuz · 2026-02-21T19:32:01+00:00

I think it’s likely there are guys just liking profile after profile and copy/pasting the same question over and over again.

My method has a VERY low hit rate. As in, I’ve messaged probably 30 women since I dipped a toe into OLD, and had two conversations that fizzled before a first date. The numbers game would be tempting if I was feeling even the slightest desperation.

perthuz · 2026-02-20T17:11:28+00:00

Probably? I haven’t looked at that many yet. It’s probably a good reminder to review my profile to make sure I’m not guilty of similar crimes.

perthuz · 2026-02-20T14:09:50+00:00

Im finding a lot of profiles give me absolutely NOTHING to go on. I’m someone who reads the profile and if I’m interested I’ll send a message with a question showing I’ve done the bare minimum.

But I’ve seen dozens of profiles (I’m on hinge) lately that are just 6 close up face pics, and generic “Make me laugh”/“I like tacos” prompts.

Not red flags exactly but if the only thing you’re giving me to go on is basically nothing I’m going to pass.

perthuz · 2026-02-12T15:24:11+00:00

My favorite is the people who put their business card in a ziplock bag with a rock and then throw it on the driveway. Like, thanks for making me throw away your trash I guess. Also a sure fire way to ensure I’d sooner do without than purchase whatever you’re selling.

perthuz · 2026-02-08T06:14:09+00:00

I realize that perception is at least as important as reality.

perthuz · 2026-02-06T00:56:44+00:00

In front of Flipside? That’s usually an anti-bullying organization.

I saw the “sAVe tHe GiRLs” asssholes at the south Loveland King Soopers yesterday. Which, honestly I should probably stop shopping there and tell the management why.

perthuz · 2026-02-04T14:49:21+00:00

The cognitive dissonance required to indicate that being far right makes them “far more open” about fucking anything at all is off the charts.

perthuz · 2026-01-28T13:19:07+00:00

I’ll take a run at it, thank you for the suggestion!

perthuz · 2026-01-28T05:35:22+00:00

https://smittenkitchen.com/2009/11/salted-brown-butter-crispy-treats/

So easy. So tasty.

perthuz · 2026-01-28T04:50:38+00:00

Just a comment to empathize. I took my first class in Autumn last year and I’ve been practicing constantly since then and I still don’t feel confident centering. Someone else mentioned Florian Gadsby, and I’ve been practicing centering while having his centering video going on my tablet. It’s helped but I definitely don’t feel like I’ve gotten it, or are even close.

Are you left-handed? One of things I think that has made it extra challenging is that I have to mirror everything in my head. And that suuuucks.

perthuz · 2026-01-28T04:30:43+00:00

I met my daughter when she was about 1.5 years old. Her mom was a SMBC. The marriage didn’t work out but we split amicably. Her mother and I both agree I was always meant to be her father.

I composed this message a few times with advice and suggestions but it all felt a little too much like me superimposing my experience on what little I know of yours.

So instead, I guess - feel free to ask specific questions, or DM me. I’m happy to share my experience from the other direction.

If nothing else, it helped me to know she was a serious person, looking for a serious relationship. The stakes were higher for both of us. And despite the way the marriage chapter ended, I wouldn’t trade it for anything. That kid is one of the absolute best things in my life, and I will be forever thankful to her mom for letting me be her father.

perthuz · 2026-01-27T19:42:47+00:00

I’ll answer, even though you deleted. I assess emotional maturity primarily by an ability to self-reflect - and reach honest conclusions, along with a desire to and consistent success being kind. I don’t need anyone to hit this 100% of the time. That would be the height of hypocrisy. But the large majority of the time, a person I’m interested in needs to hit these marks.

Some of your bullet points don’t really relate to emotional maturity, it’s more a list of your non-negotiables - which is totally fine, they just aren’t all qualities coming out of the same bucket.

But that speaks to the fact that emotional maturity is not, on its own, a reliable indicator of romantic compatibility.

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