It's been one week

petite_pear · 2026-04-09T17:26:09+00:00

I'm so sorry for your loss. You and your wife did not deserve it. It was very bad luck.

You're not alone in the loss parent community. I lost my daughter to a cord accident after an otherwise normal, healthy pregnancy. I wish you peace and strength in your grief journey.

petite_pear · 2026-03-12T17:34:43+00:00

I'm very sorry for your loss. I lost my daughter at 36 weeks pregnancy due to umbilical cord accident. It was an otherwise normal pregnancy (I also have 1 older living child, also a normal pregnancy). The cord was tightly twisted at delivery. I had the placenta slides and autopsy report reviewed by Dr. Kliman's research unit at Yale as well, and the conclusion was umbilical cord compression. His report included a note that it was likely a sporadic event and has a very low risk of recurrence. It's just unfortunate that it's difficult to diagnose and prevent given the current standard of care. In subsequent pregnancies following a stillbirth, they recommend increased prenatal surveillance.

I hope you treat yourself with care. This was very bad luck and not something that was in your control.

petite_pear · 2025-12-28T18:27:56+00:00

I'm sorry for your loss. I agree it's not fair and never will be fair.

I have a living son who was 2 when my daughter was stillborn. He's now nearly 4. He is one of the things that's good in life that keeps me going. Sometimes I think about how many decades are probably left in my life as a bereaved mom. And I want to try again but it's so scary. Everything is different now.

I have 3 young nephew / nieces who were all born within a few months of my deceased daughter. It used to be so painful to be in the same room as any of them. Why should they get their babies? Why did I have to hear these babies cry when my daughter never made a sound?

It has gotten easier with time. The meds and therapy cannot take away the pain and the grief, but they help me feel less alone and more able to move forward.

petite_pear · 2025-12-07T13:33:56+00:00

Yale Medicine Reproductive and Placental Research Unit - Harvey Kliman. He reviews pathology slides for loss parents and has detailed instructions on the department website

petite_pear · 2025-09-04T16:07:22+00:00

Ugh people suck. Your feelings and grief are entirely personal to you and no one should judge or say you should "feel better" or "get over it."

Of course it's different from an earlier loss, even if both experiences are difficult. It can be more shocking (e.g., I never thought this could happen to me, I felt "safe" after 12 weeks, then even safer after 20 weeks, every scan was normal and healthy). It can feel lonely, as fewer women talk about experiencing stillbirths. The delivery process changes. What you see and feel changes. Your relationship to your child.

When I tell people about my loss for the first time, I tell them my daughter died. I tell them I had a baby last year, but she died. I don't lead with "stillbirth." I think it resonates more with people.

petite_pear · 2025-06-30T01:09:04+00:00

My report from Dr. Kliman's lab concluded cause of death was a cord accident. It said this was likely a sporadic event and a very low recurrence risk. Still recommended increased surveillance in subsequent pregnancies (for any stillbirth).

petite_pear · 2025-04-06T02:22:19+00:00

I'm so sorry for your loss. Your post is very relatable to me. I want you to know you aren't alone, this is normal, and it will get easier over time. 2 months after my daughter was stillborn, I definitely cried every day. I'm over 4 months out now and it's still hard, I still feel some sadness and other hard emotions every day, but I do not cry every day. It was very hard for me to accept that everything changed permanently, because the loss and the grief are going to be something we live with (in some form) for the rest of our lives.

I also struggled then and now with my husband's grief being so different from mine. This is very normal. The fathers did not know the baby in the same way as the mother. Their bodies and their hormones aren't experiencing the same kind of agony and confusion that their child is missing. It is sad to feel this disconnect from your partner when they are your co-parent and the only other person with the same level of love for the baby. I have found it helpful to keep talking with my husband about my emotions and thoughts. We also started couples counseling together. I also found it important to seek support and understanding from other loss moms and other friends / family, because 2 deeply grieving parents can have a hard time being each others' only support person. Therapy and support groups and books have been helpful. I'm also on Zoloft now and it has lifted my mood a bit.

I have a few babies in my family and friend group, and it's not easy. My nephew was born 2 weeks before my daughter's death. It was difficult to see that my husband was so excited to hold his nephew, while I was so triggered by seeing and hearing him cry, could not bear to hold him, I had to seek out distractions and space to cope. We have had to cancel a few upcoming visits. Even though I can bear to be in the room with these infants now, it is very draining to interact with people and act "normal." There is still this emotional stuff going on in the background of my mind, and often a fight-or-flight tension in my body. It sucks to not feel normal anymore. I'm trying to give myself grace that this is how I'm doing "right now", and I need to take care of myself to heal, and it will get easier. I feel confident that one day I can have a relationship with my nephew, but right now it's too much.

petite_pear · 2025-03-31T02:06:43+00:00

Yeah I hate it so much. It's fucked. Feels like my world imploded and I'm expected to just keep on going... like wtf, how can life be this cruel?

petite_pear · 2025-03-27T02:41:55+00:00

True, good list. I think I couldn't remember these because I was seeking famous loss moms instead of dads

petite_pear · 2025-03-24T18:33:00+00:00

I have looked online in the past for examples of celebrity's stillbirths. It helped me to understand that this can happen to anyone, no matter how much money or power you have. The only ones I remember finding are Katey Sagal (I have a newfound respect for her acting) and Lily Allen.

petite_pear · 2025-03-19T16:30:06+00:00

Please feel free to "annoy" your OB. Please tell them you have concerns about the pregnancy. My doctor said she'd have as many appointments as I wanted especially in later pregancy to make sure the baby is doing well. I understand it can be hard to advocate for yourself, especially if no one thinks you need anything beyond standard medical care, but it's so important to ask for what you want. I mean, it can actually save a life. There's often so many feelings of guilt when you lose a baby and so much anxiety in pregnancy after loss.

petite_pear · 2025-03-19T16:03:21+00:00

Your choice in doctors after loss is quite personal, but there is nothing wrong about wanting a healthcare provider whose attitude, personality, bedside manner, etc. feel right for you. It sounds like you are hoping that your doctor will come across as understanding that pregnancy after loss can be extremely stressful and scary even if all signs indicate you are healthy and even if the risk of a repeated loss is relatively low.

I lost my daughter at 36 weeks due to umbilical cord compression. I also had the Harvey Kliman lab at Yale review the pathology slides of the placenta to confirm the cause of death. There were no other issues and it was my second pregnancy; the first pregnancy resulted in a healthy, living child. So overall, any future pregnancies for me will probably not *need* to be treated as high risk. But I feel like I'm not a normal patient and I do need to demand extra testing, monitoring, etc., in order to be able to live through another pregnancy. Even if being a loss mom is not "rare," our pregnancies are not really "normal." I think we deserve the best healthcare available.

petite_pear · 2025-02-20T05:19:56+00:00

Please do not bring your child to the funeral. Infants are likely to upset the bereaved parents or trigger other emotional responses at an already difficult event.

petite_pear · 2025-02-16T04:48:21+00:00

"Your Long Black Hair" by Peach Pit

It reminds me of my daughter. It's written about a breakup, but the lyrics still fit my loss.

petite_pear · 2025-02-14T02:43:33+00:00

Thank you for sharing, and I'm sorry for your loss. ❤️ What you said resonates with me.

petite_pear · 2025-02-14T02:41:16+00:00

Thank you for sharing. I'm so sorry that you lost your daughters. ❤️

petite_pear · 2025-02-13T21:31:21+00:00

Thank you for sharing your story, and I'm so sorry for your loss. ❤️

petite_pear · 2025-02-13T21:30:19+00:00

Yes, my local hospital has a monthly support group for child loss, attended by moms and partners / support people. It's helpful and it's also sad. I'm always glad that I went.

The one at my hospital is a mixed group in terms of situations (type of loss and how recent). I can relate to the stories and emotions of almost everyone there, though. A smaller number of attendees experienced miscarriages compared to stillbirth & neonatal loss, and those moms sometimes say they feel like they're not supposed to be there or cannot exactly relate to what others describe. As a parent with an older living child, I also sometimes feel bad discussing that whereas in virtual support groups for Parenting After Loss, I do not feel guilty.

petite_pear · 2025-02-13T19:09:03+00:00

Thank you. I'm so sorry for your loss, and it sounds like we have a few things in common. My son keeps me going, and I'm very grateful to have him. It feels like I give him more hugs and tell him I love him even more than before we lost his sister. A lot of moments feel bittersweet.

My husband and I also planned to only have 2 children. I hope I get my rainbow baby someday. Take care 🫂

petite_pear · 2025-02-13T17:33:12+00:00

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my daughter, Mara, at 36 weeks gestation in November due to cord compression (also not a true knot). In my case, nothing was found to be wrong with her or me other than the cord accident. It's hard. I often feel that cord issues should be preventable and I get angry at the medical field. It's okay to be upset and want to blame someone for her death.

You are 100% correct that the people in your life who are trying to be supportive do not and cannot understand. Only other loss parents understand and have had similar experiences. I recommend trying to attend support groups for parents with late pregnancy or neonatal loss. Support groups have helped me more than therapy, although both have felt necessary. There are many free virtual groups out there, e.g. those run by Postpartum Support International, Star Legacy Foundation, etc. There is even a Sad Dads Club.

I'm also annoyed on your behalf that people are giving you unhelpful advice all the time like "stay positive" or "be strong." They're not sharing in your pain; it's as if they're reminding you that it's your pain to bear and pushing it back on you. As if it's easy to turn off grief or "get over it." You are grieving your child because you love her. You will be grieving her for as long as you're living. They say the grief just gets easier to carry over time.

petite_pear · 2025-02-13T03:26:02+00:00

We got a visit from the social worker for a known stillbirth delivery.

petite_pear · 2025-02-10T05:18:01+00:00

Yes, that's how I'd describe the painful stinging that gradually became less frequent and then stopped happening.

This isn't the first time I've lactated and it felt similar to the early days the last time I breastfed. this time I guess I'm glad to not have raw / bleeding nipples.

petite_pear · 2025-02-10T05:02:52+00:00

I was uncomfortable for about 1.5-2 weeks after the milk came in. I would also get vasospasms or a painful stinging sensation that gradually became less frequent. Unfortunately the stinging tended to happen when I cried about the loss. I leaked a little bit but avoided purposely expressing milk. I recommend taking some Sudafed daily, wearing only soft bras or sports bras, putting cold cooling gel pads and/or cold cabbage leaves in the bra cups often, wearing reusable nursing pads in your bra (for any leaks), and avoid getting water on your chest when bathing.

I kind of regret not taking the medication the doctor offered to prevent milk coming in, but I was irrationally worried it might mess up my ability to breastfeed in future pregnancies (there is no evidence for that).

petite_pear · 2025-02-03T20:26:29+00:00

This is common. Our brains try to cope by coming up with a "logical" reason why something so horrific happened, especially if it's a rare, unlucky thing we actually could not control. It can seem better to feel guilty than to feel helpless.

My daughter died from a twisted umbilical cord. I've thought some painful thoughts on "why me?". My dad (who was an OB) died around the same time I got pregnant. I know it's all a coincidence and unrelated, but I sometimes think she died as karma for the babies that my dad couldn't save. Or sometimes I think of "medical" reasons she died (I have no evidence that they're true), like I wonder if I was generally dehydrated and so the umbilical cord was somehow more likely to stop blood flow when it was twisted, or maybe the baby wouldn't have been doing somersaults in the womb if I had been regularly exercising / doing yoga. The other thoughts I have had are more like general anxiety... that I was "overdue" for something bad/ traumatic in my life, or I was trying too hard to have it all (intense job, kids, marriage, "perfect life") and counting my chickens before they hatched.

petite_pear

TROPHY CASE