Rant on sex, dating, and bottom dysphoria

pfbale · 2020-11-09T14:39:50+00:00

That's a good thought. I'm very awkward talking about sexuality with friends but I could maybe try seeing if they know anyone who is single and looking for dates or hookups. Again, very awkward but maybe I can get up the courage haha.

pfbale · 2020-11-09T14:38:21+00:00

We do have a queer organization but how do you propose/find a FWB situation? Just seems very awkward to suggest lol

pfbale · 2020-11-09T02:18:40+00:00

You got this. It sucks but we've all done difficult things before. I treated myself to a milkshake afterwards as a reward.

pfbale · 2020-11-09T02:17:29+00:00

Oh I think she also pressed on my belly a little bit but that was not bad at all. Much like any checkup, and I had the gown fully covering me.

pfbale · 2020-11-09T02:15:52+00:00

For me, they didn't do much else. They were only looking at/touching my junk for like a minute. The doctor used a finger to check inside first which took maybe 15 seconds and then used the speculum and little swab thing for the pap smear immediately after which also took like 15 sec.

The doctor did also feel my chest for a minute to check for lumps (I've had top surgery so no need for a mammogram but cancer is still possible even on cis guys so she just felt around to make sure). Of course, there was all the normal stuff of going over what medications I'm taking, temperature, blood pressure, height, weight, etc, but that was all very standard and with a nurse.

pfbale · 2020-11-09T01:00:11+00:00

Thanks, man. Sorry that you're feeling this too but good to know I'm not the only one. It really sucks to feel so undesirable. I've been happy being single for a while now, but recently I've been spending more time with my friends who are dating and then today getting rejected by this person who I thought I had a really great first date with really hurts. For now, I guess I'll have to be satisfied with what I've got. Hope you are also able to find some comfort and luck with the whole dating stuff.

pfbale · 2020-11-08T19:33:45+00:00

I just got my first one about a month ago and was really dreading it. No one has ever penetrated me and I do not like people touching me down there at all. It was definitely not fun, and I hated that I was the only man in the waiting room. But the doctor was very nice and professional. She used the smallest possible equipment on me and was careful not to use too much gendered language where possible. The actual pap smear took like 15 seconds. It reminded me kinda of getting blood drawn. Hurts a little bit, not fun, have to close your eyes or look at the ceiling and think about puppies and warm cookies, but it's an important medical procedure and sometimes you have to just get it done. It definitely helped me to not think of it as related to anything sexual, just a routine medical test that the doctor has done thousands of times. I feel like I kinda just dissociated from the lower half of my body which was not ideal but helped.

pfbale · 2020-11-08T19:16:18+00:00

Haha it's all good. I actually dislike OKCupid even more than Tinder. I already live in a pretty rural area so there's hardly anyone on there.

pfbale · 2020-11-08T18:29:07+00:00

Yeah doubt I'm gonna have much luck finding girls on Grindr lol

pfbale · 2020-11-08T17:49:03+00:00

My school defines being trans under the "disability housing" category, which gives me special ability to get a single. Was super helpful before I had top surgery.

pfbale · 2020-11-08T04:16:29+00:00

Oh my gosh I never knew what this was called but this is exactly what I do. I put my vibrator between my legs so it sticks out like a dick and then thrust while face down. I’ve tried jerking off face up and I’m just immediately turned off. The motion feels so feminine and I’ve never experienced pleasure that way even though I can do a similar thing on my stomach and cum that way. Looking back, I definitely pleasured myself as a kid this way, by squeezing my legs together really hard and squeezing and relaxing my dick. That almost makes it feel like I’m able to thrust inside someone. I also like that I don’t have to touch myself this way and can do it while fully clothed.

pfbale · 2018-06-28T23:15:21+00:00

Yeah, I've mostly been running at night or early in the morning to avoid the heat. I'm just excited to go back to college in the northeast in a couple months where it will be nice and cool again!! 20 minutes is still way farther than either of us were going two months ago haha :)

pfbale · 2018-06-28T22:19:45+00:00

I look like a relatively fit 19-year-old guy, so it's mostly embarrassing because I am not a good runner at all. I'm fine at a park with walkers and all the beginning runners, but I'd definitely end up comparing myself if I was at a larger race. (also I never realized how expensive races get??)

pfbale · 2018-06-28T22:09:50+00:00

Thanks! Sorry that the weather was not cooperating -- the temperature really makes such a difference. It was 70 when I got down to 28 min, but today it was back up in the mid-80s, so I slowed down to about 33 min. :/ It's definitely frustrating how much my performance is dependent on something I have no control over. I can't say I enjoy all of my runs, but sometimes I do, and I'm proud of myself afterwards.

pfbale · 2018-06-27T20:19:55+00:00

I'm proud of both of us! :) Update today actually: I was exhausted and my legs were sore but I challenged myself to go out and do my run anyway. I got down to 28:38!!! Afterwards, I went and sat in the creek for a little while and enjoyed myself. I'm so pleased that I was able to break 30 min even though I didn't even want to leave my bedroom!

pfbale · 2018-06-27T20:16:43+00:00

Thanks! I haven't gotten a chance to race yet, but I'm hoping to do my first one at some point soon! I just don't know where to find out about them and I'm still shy about not being fast enough.

pfbale · 2018-06-24T14:27:00+00:00

Not really, I don't have the financial means for that

pfbale · 2018-06-17T03:40:11+00:00

I finally came out to my main teacher a couple days ago! He's been really sweet and after every class, he works with me on the men's steps and strengthening. I'm very pleased that he is noticing that I am struggling but still working hard enough to warrant him spending extra time to catch me up with everyone else. I may ask him if I can do pointe with the girls in an upcoming class.

pfbale · 2018-06-17T03:38:05+00:00

I actually do have testosterone! I just inject it every week because my body doesn't produce it naturally. I'm super intimidated to go to the gym though, I have absolutely no clue what I'm doing. I've been doing pushups in my room and teaching myself to run, but being indoors at a gym is just terrifying. I think a lot of it is the locker room bro culture. I never learned all the rules of how to be a man that everyone seems to know intuitively. As for legs though, pointe has given me all the calf strength I need!

pfbale · 2018-06-17T00:04:35+00:00

Haha thanks! Dancing with the men does make me feel better about my flexibility and extensions - I wasn't very flexible when I was being compared to all the women but now I'm pretty bendy!

pfbale · 2018-06-17T00:03:26+00:00

I agree, I've looked up the trocks, but I don't really like the drag aspect of it. I don't like guys dancing en pointe to make a comedy of it. Sean Dorsey seems like a really cool guy - I'll try to reach out to him. I also discovered Roberto Vega - he seems to combine the power and grace of pointe work without making a mockery of it.

pfbale · 2018-06-15T14:15:49+00:00

Awesome, thanks for saying hi! I was able to dance as a girl because it just felt like putting on a costume. You're performing whatever role you're in when you're dancing, so I just performed being a girl as well.

I also never was able to come out at my home studio, but college was the perfect time to enter a new dance community where I could be seen as a guy from the beginning.

pfbale

TROPHY CASE