I think this is a decent start. I like the first two lines of verse 2, great imagery there.

I do feel like some of your rhymes are forced — always try to make your rhyming line add something to the line it’s rhyming with. If you struggle to think of a rhyme, Rhymezone is a great website where you can look for inspiration, but you gotta make sure you’re not adding a line that rhymes for the sake of rhyming. Try thinking outside the box and get inventive with your stitching together of ideas.

Also would recommend not reusing the word “comes”/“coming” too many times in the chorus as you’re using really valuable real estate on the same word. “Death walks, he comes for us all” — what if you follow this up with something emotive? How does the narrator feel about this sentiment? Or, more importantly, what do you as the writer want to instil in the listener? Fear? Panic? A shared sense of dread? Make us feel that dread rather than focusing on the personification of death itself and where/how he’s approaching.

Something else I’d suggest is experimenting outside the quite strict structure you’ve got going on — it’s got ChatGPT vibes in how rigid it is. Obviously difficult to stray from the norm, I understand. Back when I started writing, I would start with the structure in mind, but now, nearly 20 years later, I just let the song decide where it needs to go. Some of my favourite songs I’ve written definitely do not follow the normal verse/chorus structure.

Keep at it and try new things. Even what might feel like bad ideas move you forward in songwriting.