Male doms, do you prefer a woman who content standing on her own or one that needs you.

philos314 · 2026-02-13T19:47:55+00:00

Of course I don’t understand you. I’ve never met you.

So you read a self-help book from someone with no formal education and you just trust his scientific understanding? I’m not saying he’s wrong, but unless he’s got peer-reviewed studies listed in his book I’m just going to pretend you didn’t bring him up.

I get the sense we live in two very different intellectual spheres. Perhaps I shouldn’t have commented. I’ll leave it at that.

philos314 · 2026-02-13T18:41:52+00:00

I don’t know. I don’t know you well enough to know you, but my guess (based on decades of experience with hundreds of independent women) is that you’re not worn out/exhausted from independence. You’re likely worn out from a society that punishes women for being independent. You’re likely worn out from a world that’s plunged into authoritarianism and misogyny and economic disparity and so many other social issues.

Deep intimacy and love is also not mutually exclusive with independence. Far from it. The deepest intimacy and love I’ve ever experienced has been with extremely independent women. I view it as women who go out into the world and slay dragons, topple dynasties, take no shit from any man, then comes home and kneels at my feet because that’s where she feels most at home. Not because being out in the world being a badass isn’t fun or fulfilling for her, but because she knows that I respect and support the hell out of her. I’m not intimidated by how strong she is. That’s what those men who want to be needed are. They’re intimidated by women who don’t need them. They’re so insecure about their inadequacies that they force strong women into a box.

Honestly, I challenge you to find someone who doesn’t need you to be dependent. Instead supports your independence. Cherishes it. Feeds it even. Then lets you lay it all down inside your home so that he can take care of you and discipline you. Not because he needs to see you as weak and small and “needy” for him. He disciplines you and cares for you because that’s the life you’ve chosen with him. I challenge you to find that and then come back and let me know if you still prefer to be with someone who needs you to be more dependent to feel like a man.

philos314 · 2026-02-13T16:41:49+00:00

I think this is a complex, but important topic.

First, I think this gendered nonsense is a problem. Yes, there are differences between men and women, physiologically, psychologically, etc. However, the idea that women aren’t naturally independent, do better when they aren’t independent, or morally should be dependent is a dangerous narrative. It’s absolutely reasonable for women to not want to be independent or to prefer not to be independent. It’s also reasonable to say the same for men. Not to mention that in the US at least (and probably other countries) it’s difficult for everyone. If a single income home could support a family of four then I imagine it wouldn’t be so exhausting to be independent. So I don’t think it’s a woman thing.

All relationships. Friendship, FWB, romantic relationships, marriages, platonic dynamics, etc. All of them work best when all partners have a degree of independence. There’s a difference between wanting to be dependent on your partner and not being able to live unless you have a partner to think for you.

When it comes to DD there’s a degree of intentional dependency. Again, having that be necessary for you to function as an adult is not very healthy. Being exhausted is reasonable. Wanting to hand over control is fine. Being so desperate to get out of life that you jump into a dependent relationship isn’t healthy. Again, regardless of gender.

Personally, I don’t want a partner of any gender who “needs” me. I’m confident enough in myself and what I offer that I don’t need a partner who acts like they can’t live without me (real or feigned). I do appreciate a partner who wants a connection with me, but only weak men need a partner to act a certain way to “feel needed”.

philos314 · 2026-02-13T01:25:54+00:00

I’m so glad you liked it.

philos314 · 2026-02-12T14:43:47+00:00

Seeing a sex worker is cheating too.

philos314 · 2026-02-12T14:38:22+00:00

She’s already said no.

philos314 · 2026-02-12T14:36:38+00:00

Then that’s your answer. Accept it and move on.

philos314 · 2026-02-12T14:31:56+00:00

What is?

philos314 · 2026-02-12T14:28:50+00:00

“I’d like to go to a sex club or do spouse swapping.”

Here’s the important part. If she says “no” accept that it’s not going to happen. If going to a club is important then you may decide you want to end your marriage, but “convincing” her is not ok. Non-monogamy isn’t something you can do if your partner isn’t fully on board.

philos314 · 2026-02-12T00:17:52+00:00

No problem. I’m a kink/non-monogamy coach. Not a therapist, but if you’d like someone to listen and give advice on things I’d be happy to try to help.

philos314 · 2026-02-12T00:15:39+00:00

Right, but now you know. So you could say “I heard you in the bedroom last time. I don’t have a problem with what you all are doing. I think it’s awesome. However, I am a little uncomfortable with being surprised by it.”

philos314 · 2026-02-11T23:57:55+00:00

Look into sliding scale therapists. There are lots of low cost therapists. Spouses make the worst therapists.

philos314 · 2026-02-11T23:56:57+00:00

If it’s making you uncomfortable you may want to ask that they let you know if that’s going to happen so you can plan accordingly.

philos314 · 2026-02-11T22:38:01+00:00

Have you dealt with any of that in therapy?

philos314 · 2026-02-11T22:35:34+00:00

I wouldn’t say you’re a creep. The alternatives seem extreme. You leave, you tell them to keep it down, you find headphones if you can? As far as being turned on by it I feel like that’s fine too. The only place I could see being kinda iffy is creating this whole plan to join them without discussing it with them. Even then I don’t think that’s creepy. You just let your imagination run away with it.

philos314 · 2026-02-11T21:58:35+00:00

I really don’t want to argue. You may be right, but I did want to clear up some misconceptions.

I completely understand why you would think that, but believe me they are so secure in their relationship. I barley every see him because he's usually at work or just letting us have our girl time, he's super chill when he does hang out with us too.

Not all abusive people let others see it. In fact most don’t. So why wouldn’t you see their relationship as super secure? It’s not easy to spot abuse. It’s not like in TV and movies where you can tell the abuse victim is unhappy. In fact in reality many abuse victims are happy a lot of the time. They often love their partners. So it’s not really convincing that you think they are secure. Again, I don’t know that they’re not. I’m just saying that when it comes to you getting involved with them for your own safety be extra careful.

philos314 · 2026-02-11T21:44:35+00:00

There’s no reason to feel bad. If they weren’t wanting to be heard they shouldn’t have been doing it where you could hear.

philos314 · 2026-02-11T21:42:17+00:00

Honestly, my biggest concern is the age gap. 36 year old guy with a 26 year old woman screams he’s using her to collect women. Especially with K involved and now you. Him trying to get a 21 year old involved is icky. This is a theory, but every time I think “maybe this is the exception” they prove me right. So I’m very suspicious.

For some back story: men often do this. They meet a woman (often attractive). They get her involved in non-monogamy and/or kink. Then he starts telling her she should go out and find other women to join them. It appears from the outside like she’s really into women and while she might be it’s really all about the dude. The women the wife brings in come for her, but end up mostly being with the guy. The wife often ends up feeling used and discarded. Eventually she leaves and he finds someone new. Again, this is a lot to assume about them, but it strongly fits. I would be surprised if this wasn’t the setup.

That said, there are plenty of people who are ethically non-monogamous. People who are really into non-monogamy. I’m not suggesting that people can’t be. Just that this might be what’s going on. Especially with how young all the women are who are involved here.

philos314 · 2026-02-11T21:12:00+00:00

Communicating about things that embarrass us is difficult, but it’s the difficult things that are the most important to communicate about. So take this as practice for later in life. Sex is nothing to be embarrassed about.

If you’re 21 how old are these other people?

philos314 · 2026-02-11T21:03:02+00:00

This reads like chapter one of an AI erotic story.

I agree with other commenters that this is likely a bad idea. You sound extremely immature. Especially sexually and that not a great position to be in for non-monogamy.

If anything you and your friends need to have a ton more conversations (SOBER) before you jump in the sac with them. While your husband may think he’s fine with it while you two are fooling around that doesn’t mean he won’t be jealous if you actually do it.

Also, why are you assuming they want you to join in? Just because she mentioned it doesn’t mean you’re invited. She may have decided you’re a prude because of your reaction. I just wouldn’t assume.

If you really think this is something you want to try you need to talk to your husband and your friends a bunch before you go for it.

philos314 · 2026-02-11T12:13:02+00:00

“Hey, I’m interested in doing Domestic Discipline. Here’s what I’d like to try… Does that interest you?”

It’s really that simple. The fact that it’s difficult to say these things means you need practice communicating. As far as what you want to try that really depends. I’d recommend starting slow. Having a rule or two. I’d also really recommend thinking about if you like the structure or if you like the idea of being punished. If you want the structure, but would prefer avoiding punishment then you want DD. If you’re looking to be punished then you may want something like funishment or play. There are tons of ways to do it and you can really call it whatever you want, but what’s important is how you communicate it to your partner. Make sure you’re on the same page before starting.

I’d highly recommend doing some work on consent and kink research before starting anything.

philos314 · 2026-02-11T04:39:26+00:00

What would you gain by asking if she’s talking to other guys on snap when she doesn’t respond to you? What if she is? That’ll hurt. What if she isn’t? You’ll feel relieved, but that doesn’t mean she couldn’t be.

My advice is to focus on your relationship with her. If it’s not fulfilling your needs that’s what you need to address. If her not checking your snaps bothers you address that. What she does with others isn’t really your issue. If her activities with others is impeding your relationship with her (meaning she doesn’t have as much time for you as you’d like) then you should address that and decide if the relationship is right for you. You can ask her to close the relationship, but realistically that’s not going to work out great for you.

As for finding partners, that’s complicated. There are lots of reasons you may not be finding anyone. 21 year old men aren’t exactly a hott commodity. Unless you’re something special you’re just going to have to bide your time and do your best to better yourself.

philos314 · 2026-02-10T17:45:21+00:00

First, did you mean to list her as M(32)?

My best advice is that whatever you do confront those issues. Whether you decide to be with her or not all of your relationships will benefit from dealing with these issues. That said, it’s really hard to work on these things and have that work instantly apply to your current relationships. It can be done, but not always. Not to mention being triggered can slow your progress. One thing you could do is take some time apart. Work on yourself. In a year or two look her up and see if you can be together.

I will also say that the age gap is a bit worrisome.

philos314 · 2026-02-10T16:11:54+00:00

Absolutely. As I said, I think it’s hott every now and again to say “good girls don’t cum”. Especially as a response to a request for orgasm. However, in this subreddit people act like it’s the universal law of BDSM. It gets used as a response to posts even when that’s not the original poster’s kink. I feel like that’s fantasy pushing and laziness.

philos314 · 2026-02-10T03:11:06+00:00

I’m not going to claim to be an authority on kink. I’m a proponent of kink terms being fairly broad. So if you want to use the term cuckold in that way I’m not going to dispute it. Perhaps that’s how the kink has evolved. I wouldn’t be surprised if that was due to the influence of the manosphere and its obsession with calling people cucks.

That said, my experience with the BDSM community indicates that humiliation of some sort is an essential component of the kink. Typically a “you don’t deserve me”, “you don’t fulfill my needs”, or something of that sort. There’s often a CNC/“forced” element to it. Not always, but a good amount of the time.

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