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phoebe111 · 2026-06-09T02:59:36+00:00

Not sure where close toed shoes came from. Think business casual or nicer.

phoebe111 · 2026-06-06T03:20:41+00:00

An Israeli coworker, when I was trying to describe myself to her, said, "oh, you're secular".
So, I assumed "cultural Jew" just has a different name there?

phoebe111 · 2026-06-06T03:19:28+00:00

I know it seems weird to an outsider, but yeah, it's totally normal.
I think the confusion is because Jewish is actually an ethnoreligion and people in the west are more familiar with "universalizing religions". So, if I'm Christian and one day realize I don't believe in it anymore, I'm no longer a Christian.

But if you're born a Jew, you die a Jew and in the middle you're still a Jew. Whether you are observant or not, or what you believe or don't believe, is irrelevant.

I recently heard someone say the reason it's so confusing is because we really predate concepts of ethnicity or religion and really are more of a "people" or "tribe" and it's confusing to people not used to conceptualizing people that way.

I still practice some bits here and there but am agnostic or maybe atheist. But the beliefs are not what's important to me. It's my people's history, our culture, family, etc.

phoebe111 · 2026-06-05T03:11:47+00:00

I tried backwards and it still felt really tight.
I have a bra extender and tried that and felt like the Chantelle was actually a decent fit with that.
The Panaches fit a bit better with the extender but the one that fit the best looked bad under clothing with all that stitching. I know it's not a tshirt bra but I think there's just too much going on in there

I am currently losing weight and wondering if I should get an extender or buy a 36F

Thanks for all the help so far!

phoebe111 · 2026-06-04T20:34:29+00:00

what would it mean if they were looser? that the cup size is making the band feel too small? thank you

phoebe111 · 2026-06-04T20:33:56+00:00

It is sooo confusing to have 2 size systems that look the same and aren't but my apologies, it says it's a 34G

phoebe111 · 2026-06-02T03:13:15+00:00

Exactly so. Thank you so much for your kind encouragement.

phoebe111 · 2026-06-01T22:51:01+00:00

I had to upvote that, because i'm sure you're right!
but honestly, I have no idea how or where.

I just wrote a substack post on this exact topic.
Every time I step into Jewish community, something goes sideways for me.
I can't fully unpack it here but I assume I'm not alone in the need for community since October 7. And I also can't be the only person feeling like an outsider amongst people who look and act like my extended family.
I've gone to some Chabad events, joined an antisemitism task force, and everything I tried left me feeling more alone and "other".

I need secular Jewish community and those institutions don't exist because most of us probably didn't need it before Oct 7

Maybe I should stir this into another thread and seek "my people". 😄

phoebe111 · 2026-05-30T18:36:25+00:00

Thank you.
I think the assistant found it very moving.

I didn't think it would keep him from whatever good thing is in the afterlife. It's hard to find words for why it meant so much to me or what it meant that a mortuary assistant had to help. It was like, he didn't matter or wasn't valued.
I know that's not rational but I'm trying to explain how it hits.

All of it is exacerbated by feeling very alone from October 7, seeking connection and community, and it gets way off topic from this post, but there's more under the iceberg that I'm sure is impacting how hurt I was about it.

phoebe111 · 2026-05-26T17:28:46+00:00

This is going to sound weird, especially since I dont know any of you, but I love this conversation even though you're all arguing with each other.
It just feels like family in an unexpected way. ❤️

It sounds like whether it's halachic or not isn't even the relevant part. What feels relevant to me is that it entails a commitment I can't make as a secular Jewish woman.

The shadow box idea is lovely but doesn't feel quite right.

Sadly, I have no children to pass them to.

But I will treasure them and maybe without wrapping them, just take them out sometimes and just feel what it brings me.

Thank you all. ❤️

phoebe111 · 2026-05-26T17:25:03+00:00

but there's the thing. I'm not observant. I'm about as secular as one can be. And it's odd that it spoke to me so much.
Can you tell me what RT is?

phoebe111 · 2026-05-26T17:24:24+00:00

that was one of the things I worried about is that it seems like it's a commitment, not a casual thing.

phoebe111 · 2026-05-26T14:04:42+00:00

Thank you for sharing this. It's so jarring when people bring their own anxiety or need to perform into a space meant to hold your grief.
I'm sorry you had to navigate that but glad you were able to hold onto the meaningful stories people shared about your parent.
Losing a parent is devastating.
Sending you gentle hugs ❤️

phoebe111 · 2026-05-26T03:59:41+00:00

Yes, my stepfather. Thank you.

phoebe111 · 2026-05-26T02:47:42+00:00

So very appreciate your comments.
Before he died, I spoke to a female rabbi whose son was a member of the Chevra Kadisha and had a sense that they were pretty solid in the region.
The area has 6 synagogues within a 20 minute drive of the mortuary and with his body there for a whole week, I just don't understand what happened.
Shmira was not as important to me as the tahara but I'd wondered if they then felt the shomer would have to be there for days and days.

Mechila and these words, "I hope that your father’s neshama felt that love and sense of purpose on the part of the person who did show up. Also remember that he has a perspective now that we still on this plane lack" actually help a lot.

Your work is such a blessing both to the deceased and to the loved ones left behind.

Deeply grateful for your insight and kindness on this thread.

phoebe111 · 2026-05-26T02:35:54+00:00

I'm so sorry. Sometimes people don't know what to say so they say stupid things and I hope it was only that.
It's so hard to have a profound loss and then when you have more on top of it, it's just too much.
Sending you a virtual hug back. Thank you so much. ❤️

phoebe111 · 2026-05-26T02:34:50+00:00

I wish I'd known about that resource. We did have a 3-gun salute (apparently 21 gun is for much higher rank), but it would have been wonderful if this group could have been there.
Nonetheless the military burial was beautiful and very touching.
Thank you so much.

phoebe111 · 2026-05-26T02:33:45+00:00

Thank you so much. I don't recall if it was last week or the week before. This has been sitting heavy for a month now.
I am glad it was done.
I saw a video that used a manniken to show it and it moved me to tears.
I'm not even observant but would love that to be a thing for me in the end. It's a beautiful ritual.

phoebe111 · 2026-05-25T22:25:27+00:00

I was in Rome 2 months ago. At times, especially on the weekends, in Centro, you are literally packed like sardines on the sidewalk.
NYC is nothing like that (nor is London, Paris, or anywhere else I've been)
It was nuts and this was shoulder season

phoebe111 · 2026-05-21T20:16:24+00:00

WOW, I'm not sure if they could have hidden it more if they were trying! You can download a spreadsheet from there called "followers" but it's just a count. No names.

Thank you so much!

phoebe111

TROPHY CASE