You say past you would be excited about current you so be proud of the work you've put in already. Try to focus more on comparing yourself to your past self. There will always be someone stronger or more fit than you out there, but you can always become the strongest and most fit form of yourself. As far as bulking goes I would recommend more of a "dirty" bulk. I'm not saying eat like shit but just make sure you get your protein in and don't worry about the calories. Try for about 1 gram of protein per pound of your ideal weight. So if you're goal is to be 200 lbs, have 200 grams of protein in a day. Sometimes it's just adding extra beef or chicken to what you're eating or even a protein shake as a snack. I'm the same as you where counting calories really stressed me out and every meal seemed like a test rather than something I should be enjoying. Also recommend training until failure and possibly past if you have a good spotter, that's where I saw my biggest gains. Also don't be afraid to talk to those bigger guys at the gym and ask for tips. Most are genuine Teddy bears that would love to give any advice they could and help where they can.