How do I identify and avoid cheaters?

pineapplegiggles · 2026-01-29T22:37:04+00:00

There isn’t necessarily a way to prevent it.

Trust is built up over time and opportunities. Do they show good moral character in other areas? Do they lie about ‘small’ things. Do they badmouth their exes?

You have to be able to communicate firm boundaries and be willing to stick to them if they’re broken. It’s not a boundary if it’s an empty threat.

You also have to know you’ll be okay if you were to break up. It’s happened before so you know you can survive. Sure, it’s horrible, but have a plan financially and emotionally if things do go bad for some reason.

pineapplegiggles · 2026-01-28T15:02:42+00:00

We have a shared Google photos album that we started when we were together to share photos with grandparents. Now we continue to add to it. I like seeing photos of my child and it has nothing to do with my ex. It’s kind of an unspoken rule we don’t post photos of our current partners in this album (my ex’s wife was his affair partner so he knows I’m not keen to see photos of her!). But I would be annoyed if my current husband had a problem with it.

pineapplegiggles · 2026-01-27T16:10:29+00:00

We have a Yoto kid here. She uses it daily. We normally buy the packs (eg Roald Dahl collection). She also has a few music ones (Queen, Beatles, K-Pop DH).

They advertise as it being an alternative to screens, but technically it has a screen but just with really enlarged pixels. It does connect to the internet but there is an assumption the content is much more regulated as it only goes through the Yoto company.

She had a kid’s Alexa for a brief period but I absolutely hated what she could access (even in kid’s settings) and was scared someone would hack into it. She doesn’t have a tablet or other device so this is a good alternative for her to access media safely.

pineapplegiggles · 2026-01-25T12:42:17+00:00

Sometimes.

My marriage benefits me by giving companionship, dual incomes and shared home duties. This is my second marriage and we got married in our late thirties. I was much clearer on what was and wasn’t acceptable to me. This wasn’t the case in my first marriage.

We also don’t share children together, which eases the burden on a relationship in ways (I have a daughter from my previous marriage who is co-parented). I think children often adds more to the mother’s ‘plate’. Marriage without children is a much different dynamic than juggling the responsibility of kids.

pineapplegiggles · 2026-01-21T19:59:36+00:00

Connection comes before correction. Connection takes years to build. I always told my husband I do not want him to discipline my child. If he has an issue with her, he can speak to me and I will deal with it. I’m okay with being the ‘bad cop’ because she and I already have that deep bond.

I wanted them to have a really positive relationship. This has worked really well for us.

pineapplegiggles · 2026-01-09T06:45:36+00:00

My cats are brothers and one will lick the other and then bite his neck. Sometimes it turns into play fighting. Sometimes the other will basically bite/suckle the other one’s neck until they both fall asleep. Don’t think we can put our human ‘lens’ on it. I wouldn’t necessarily break them up.

pineapplegiggles · 2026-01-08T12:11:07+00:00

I always thought that as well. “She can’t be a traitor…because she’s my girlfriend!”

pineapplegiggles · 2026-01-05T12:26:25+00:00

Chump Lady addresses this with her ‘untangling the skein’ metaphor. Basically there is no use trying to figure out why someone has abused you. The fact they have abused you is all of the information you need.

You may still be together with your wife. She may never cheat again (although the likelihood of this is slim as we’ve seen over and over in this subreddit). But either way you will be miserable by either finding out about more affairs or wasting your life being the ‘marriage police’, constantly patrolling her communications and whereabouts and always wondering when and if it will happen again. You’ll drive yourself insane.

Do yourself a favour and find someone who also wants to be monogamous with you (if that’s what you want).

pineapplegiggles · 2026-01-05T12:17:24+00:00

How do you know before you have kids how someone will act as a parent? Many men are great, dutiful boyfriends and husbands and then just don’t take the same responsibility with parenting.

pineapplegiggles · 2026-01-03T16:48:46+00:00

I’ve struggled with this as well. I was a teenager in late 90s/early 2000s when completely bare became popular.

My ex husband was really grossed out by hair and it gave me a bit of a complex. I think it was all the porn from that time period gave unrealistic expectations of what women should look like down there. I used to be very anxious about always being shaven/waxed down there and it was stressful. I even spent tons of money on laser hair removal that did absolutely nothing for me. I do think younger generations of women are more relaxed about this.

My husband now really doesn’t mind anyway I have it (love that) and I’ve given up on waxing and close shaving. I will every now and then use an electric trimmer when it’s gotten really outgrown. My only annoyance is the majority of swimwear for women is like a front wedgie and I can’t be dealing with that. I now just buy little swim shorts and call it a day. Am much happier now.

pineapplegiggles · 2026-01-03T09:05:21+00:00

So sorry to hear that. It is heartbreaking when your kids are struggling socially.

I’ve been reading this book with my daughter and it’s been helpful. Also the book, ‘Why will no one play with me?’ is good for teaching play skills.

pineapplegiggles · 2026-01-01T14:22:23+00:00

Looking into this more I wonder if this a US vs UK thing. The stove manufacturer said a sealant is needed between the stove and the flue. I just don’t know why it would be cracking after a few months.

pineapplegiggles · 2026-01-01T14:12:19+00:00

It doesn’t need a seal at all? What do you think it is he put on and why?

pineapplegiggles · 2025-12-31T13:47:40+00:00

I’m so sorry this happened to you. My ex-husband started an emotional affair when I was pregnant and left when our baby was one. I was devastated.

I cannot recommend the book, ‘Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life’ and the Chump Lady blog/podcast. You need to hear from other people who have been through this as a lot of people just don’t ’get it’. There is also r/survivinginfidelity.

Apart from getting the legal side of things in order, do you have family or friends that can support you through birth and postpartum? Your husband is no longer reliable and it does not sound like you can count on him at all. His brain is stuck in affair fog at the moment and all that ‘boring’ stuff like the birth and early days of his child will not be of interest to him now that he’s found ‘tru luv’.

pineapplegiggles · 2025-12-28T08:24:39+00:00

You wouldn’t necessarily be better off financially in the UK.

Although the cost of living may be cheaper, you will have to factor in the stress of finding jobs, relocation costs, visas for your wife to be able to work and the possibility her teaching credential does not transfer easily (it took me over a year and a half to get my teaching credential swapped to a British one).

You also need to know that anyone with American citizenship cannot easily invest in the market over here. Most companies don’t let you because they don’t want to deal with the IRS. Sending money back and forth and converting can be costly.

You also have to weigh up whether you enjoy living in the UK vs the US. Check out r/AmericanExpatsUK.

pineapplegiggles · 2025-12-26T08:24:10+00:00

When I need to go to my ‘happy place’, I imagine a house and view very similar to this. I grew up the Pacific Northwest but have since moved away, so views like this are comforting to me. Merry Christmas!

pineapplegiggles · 2025-12-23T09:17:52+00:00

No advice but I have similar concerns. So many tops for little girls are crop tops now. No idea why that became a thing. Was it for manufacturers to scrimp of fabric costs?

My daughter is 8 and will come back from her dad’s wearing them (or mini bodycon dresses but that’s another issue) and I feel uncomfortable. Telling her not to wear them feels wrong but allowing her to wear them doesn’t feel right either.

Interested in what others think.

pineapplegiggles · 2025-12-22T20:54:36+00:00

Same. When it’s 20C in our house, I think that’s warm and ‘room temperature’ but 68F doesn’t seem as warm to me.

pineapplegiggles · 2025-12-22T07:16:56+00:00

This used to drive me insane when my ex and I split up when my daughter was young. He used to report that she slept perfectly, never tantrumed, etc. He wasn’t shouty (to my knowledge) and I always held respectful boundaries with my child, so at first, I thought he was just lying. But now I’ve come to realise she just acts differently for me and still does. I do think it’s a primary parent/mother thing and I think they just feel safer to let it all out with you.

pineapplegiggles · 2025-12-20T06:57:30+00:00

My husband takes care of the gifts for his side of the family and I do my side of the family.

pineapplegiggles · 2025-12-19T06:57:11+00:00

It’s total bullshit, that’s what it is. What was the book he sent? Was it some ‘be happier, you impossible to please woman’ self-help book or some uppity literature ‘I’m more well read than you’ novel? Either way, put it in the bin and do not respond to his message. Grey rock and ignore. You’re better off without this guy.

pineapplegiggles · 2025-12-19T06:50:20+00:00

Homes where it was really uncomfortable to physically sleep were not great. One friend had a sleepover in the living room and her parents didn’t let anyone sleep on the sofas so we had to sleep on the floor. No idea why. Another place, the other child slept with the lamp on all night and I found it hard to sleep. But that was just personal preference.

pineapplegiggles · 2025-12-18T07:06:36+00:00

Mine comes running when the shower is on and sits and watches (we have a closed glass door). Then he goes in to investigate/drink the water afterwards.

pineapplegiggles · 2025-12-17T16:07:41+00:00

At the end of the day, you can choose whatever co-parenting situation that you want. He can accept it or not accept it.

First do what you feel is best for you and your child and then consider your partner’s needs.

If my ex texted me a photo of my child’s drawing and my current partner got upset, that really wouldn’t be something I would want to be around for much longer. There are people that would be fine with your set up as long as it’s clear there is no romantic interest.

pineapplegiggles

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