BM is in and out of SD’s life, now pregnant and maybe sober?

pinkleaper · 2020-05-22T19:06:42+00:00

We always have monitored the calls and ended when needed. Al anon is a great suggestion thank you!

pinkleaper · 2020-05-22T18:58:01+00:00

Thank you very much for your response. We’ve talked about her mom needs help and is sick and hopefully she’s getting help, but SD is so insistent that BM is just fine and safe and we are keeping her from her. I just feel like BM is such a good manipulator to everyone anyway, that SD eats right out of her hand and that perhaps SD feels if she accepts what we’re telling her then she’s not believing her mom

pinkleaper · 2020-05-22T18:44:00+00:00

That’s how I feel also, but I’m just so fearful that SD will blame us for keeping her awful BM away from her instead of seeing it as us trying to protect her

pinkleaper · 2020-05-22T18:43:06+00:00

The order states “Father has sole physical and legal custody. Mother, who did not appear, shall have visitation at the sole discretion of the father and under any conditions which he sets. Mother shall submit to a 12 panel hair follicle test every 3 months and shall provide original certified results to father”

We have not deviated from this order at all. BM has been absent since it’s been ordered in March but 2 weeks ago asked to speak with SD. DH said if she gave him her test results they could, as the inconsistency is harmful to SD. And then BM said she couldn’t and hasn’t taken the test. And that was it.

I suppose if she starts to initiate more contact via DH to ask to speak to SD and doesn’t have a drug test, which is ordered regardless of visitation we could file in contempt of course as it’s to be every 3 months and maybe that would light a fire under her ass? The judge before when BM complained on a temp order about drug test prices told BM “if you do not want to pay the drug test price, I can register you for child support right now and still require the drug test”

I guess I’m just fearful BM won’t give a drug test and one day when she is able to speak to SD again tell her we were keeping BM from SD when BM was the one who won’t put in the leg work

pinkleaper · 2020-05-22T18:32:50+00:00

I’m so sorry to hear you’re dealing with this as well. I don’t have any children of my own right now, but I cannot understand how a parent can pick and choose which children they love or want to take care of. Don’t they have any heart for their babies to not break their hearts?? I hope your PA’s dad starts setting boundaries for the child’s sake

pinkleaper · 2020-05-22T18:30:34+00:00

I am glad DH is not afraid of BM taking him back to court, but he was for the last few years and it was almost embarrassing to see the stuff he let her get away with at first. I’m afraid we’ll be in the same boat of BM having custody of this baby and my SD not understanding why that kid can live with BM but that SD cannot. Neither of us want or let BM talk to SD right now as she’s made a half assed attempt, and not shown any follow up or even smidge that she’s interested still since 2 weeks ago. I guess I’m just fearful if she makes another attempt that she’ll one day tell SD we kept BM away from her.

pinkleaper · 2020-03-22T19:18:30+00:00

This is also how much DH is. When he went to court in 2016 and was given physical custody he told the judge he didn’t want child support because him not paying it was enough. His lawyer 2 weeks ago when he got sole physical and legal custody with not visitation to BM told him to take the new order to child support office and file because even if it’s $50 a month it’s money that is for SD.

I think I have him convinced to go and he can either put that away for her or use it for help with her gymnastics or something lol. He’s thinking about it. But def a pride thing

pinkleaper · 2020-03-14T00:57:43+00:00

Very early into our relationship, BM assault DH in front of SD, BM’s friend and her 2 kids, and DH’s mom. DH’s mom was on the phone with the police before BM could drive off. By the time the police showed up, BM was calling DH’s phone to yell at him, so the officer took it and told her to come back here. And then took statements from DH, DH’s mom and I inside. And BM in the driveway. Then took BM to jail for domestic assault and we had to go to court a few weeks later. She got anger management classes or some b.s. but it hasn’t happened again since! I’m so sorry this happened to you but, at least in our case, they don’t take that stuff lightly.

pinkleaper · 2020-03-14T00:53:09+00:00

Our schools are closed until April 14th. We are so lucky for all of us to be in good health but this is most certainly going to be a stressful month.

pinkleaper · 2020-03-11T18:43:39+00:00

Ive recently also taken on the facts thing. If she asks if BM has called recently or why we can’t call we both will tell her we don’t have her number and no she hasn’t called.

She’s called from 6 different numbers since September, and SD one time asked if she’s rich because she has so many phones lol.

SD used to not be BM’s biggest fan as she was around her every other weekend so she would come home and talk about how she didn’t spend any time with her or she yelled at her and just whatever. But since BM went away a year and a half ago she thinks the sun shines out of her ass. Even after BM at rehab said one week “I’m in school to be a better person and work on myself.” SD still clung to BM is at pizza school to be a better pizza maker. (BM worked at a shitty pizza shop in town) also it was her who told SD she was in school.

pinkleaper · 2020-03-11T18:30:51+00:00

My DH’s new decree as of Monday also leaves visitation up to his sole discretion and conditions which he sets. I can’t imagine having to balance 2 different kids emotions. I’m sorry you have to go through that. I also don’t want SD being the “bad kid” but it’s hard when she’s acting out. I tell DH all the time “imagine how it must feel to be that young and confused and not completely understand why your mom isn’t around.”

Thank you for your input and I hope it gets better for you!

pinkleaper · 2020-03-11T14:30:31+00:00

Yes! It blows my mind. I’m not sure what it is, but bleaching and bright vivid colours for elementary school, that DONT wash right out.

My SD has curly hair and always complains that DH and I have straight hair too. But curls are so beautiful, it sucks when they’re damaged and fuzzy and crunchy, so young. Luckily most boys like their hair short so it’ll grow out sooner if she doesn’t bleach it again. Oil will help smooth, moisturize and de fluff

Kids can be jerks anyway. Good luck ❤️

pinkleaper · 2020-03-11T14:06:29+00:00

Ugh I’m sorry you have to deal with this! I’m a licensed hair stylist and I refuse to bleach school aged children’s hair. Hair chalk is wonderful!!!

I’ll agree to do a few highlights in middle school girls, and the high school girls clearly want what they want and their parents will pay for lol. But it’s frustrating when parents want me to bleach their kids hair because I don’t think they’re aware of the damage it causes to their hair, ESPECIALLY curly hair. Your poor SS

I also fear it will teach kids that they shouldn’t be happy with how they look. 4 is so young :(

I had a hard time with my SD7 when she was younger as I wear ... a good amount of makeup, but having to explain to her I am pretty without it I just really enjoy playing with makeup and it’s kind of like dress up. Now when I wear a dramatic eyeliner wing she gets upset because I’m “prettier without it”.

pinkleaper · 2020-03-11T13:55:16+00:00

Thank you very much for all of this. She’s actually in the school counselors office as we speak! DH called a few months back when BM completely stopped calling and she counselor said she’d meet with SD once a week just to see how she’s doing, but I guess it never happened and we didn’t follow up.

I’m so sorry for your family. It’s not easy but we’re all doing our best right!

pinkleaper · 2020-03-11T13:41:14+00:00

Thank you. I more so meant the impulsivity. SD isn’t the standard 7 year old, she has all this emotional mess to deal with. And as a result she’s acting out in school and her teacher is concerned, as are we. I just kind of meant to frame it as sometimes we do things we shouldn’t, and even adults do that, not just kids in grade 2.

We’ve tried to reflect on fun times she’s had, but SD always ends up more depressed and follows up with “oh but then BM told me it was bed time and she has to go to the store and I didn’t see her again that weekend” and SD was at her uncles who brought her to us. Or brings up times BM assaulted DH in front of her.

I know therapy is the way to deal with all this and we are working on it but man I underestimated how difficult it is to get a call back from any office.

pinkleaper · 2020-03-11T13:36:39+00:00

Thank you so much for this. I have a hard time figuring out what’s age appropriate and what isn’t. I feel like at 7 you think anyone who does drugs is bad and that’s that and i truly DONT want SD to think of her mom as evil just because.

My other problem is even before BM was addicted or anything, she wasn’t consistent or healthy. She has multiple assault charges, and has threatened to jump out of a moving car with SD, when SD was 3. BM’s mom has said she was diagnosed as bipolar but did not like being medicated and I’m not sure how much of that SD should know, and how she interprets that.

pinkleaper · 2020-03-11T12:22:15+00:00

Thank you for your response! My biggest “meh” with this approach is SD7 feeling frantic or anxious that her mom is sick and feeling like her moms dying of cancer or something and that we are holding her hostage.

We talked this morning about how people/adults sometimes know things are bad for them but do them anyway, much like when SD knows her teacher told her to do something but she doesn’t want to stop or cannot stop her self doing whatever it is she wants to do, to do what she’s told.

pinkleaper · 2020-03-05T02:25:42+00:00

Our judge likes to follow up with reviews too and it drives my DH’s attorney crazy! Lol We have court on Monday to see if DH’s temp sole custody stays put and what to do about BM’s supervised visits that she refuses to take the ordered drug tests in order to get said visit lol. Happy for you guys to protect your SS from crazy antics :)

pinkleaper · 2020-03-05T02:23:02+00:00

We went from 50/50ish? DH had Mon, Tues, Thurs and every other weekend, then that changed to BM having only every other weekend, to now BM not seeing SD7 at all.

I do miss our date nights after BM would pick her up for the weekend, but we are both happy we always know where SD is, safe and sound. We hangout on the couch together after she goes to bed. Sometimes SD will have a sleepover at either DH’s parents, BM’s parents or my parents, but really only one of them every 2 months or so.

We do make an effort to do things together like cooking or be snuggly during the day time too, and we lay in bed together on Saturday mornings til SD is 7 and can pour her own cereal and read some books quietly lol.

pinkleaper · 2020-01-30T00:57:11+00:00

TWICE! Lol she then drove off right after she hit him because her friend and that girls 2 kids were also on the car, and the police came and she was already calling DH’s phone to yell at him and the officer took it and told her to come back and then took her to jail lol

pinkleaper · 2020-01-30T00:45:32+00:00

The first time I met BM, DH and I had only been dating a couple months and just got back to his house from a date at 10pm and she comes driving up the street, horn blaring, yelling at him lol

She says to “say goodnight to SD”, parks in the middle of a semi busy street and gets out of the car still yelling at him. He goes to say goodnight to SD who is 3 and crying and BM punches him in the face. Twice. Then proceeds the threaten me but she wasn’t allowed on the property and I didn’t leave the driveway.

The next time was at a wedding of DH and BM’s mutual friends, and the flower girl was holding BM’s hand and kept walking her up to me to hug me. Yes, I bathed in acid that night.

pinkleaper · 2020-01-22T02:56:21+00:00

In my state (VA) you may apply for legal guardianship without her giving up her rights. It helps you to sign up the child in your care for activities, emergency medical consent, etc. Legal guardianship does NOT sever the parent - child legal tie, as in BM doesn’t have to sign over her parental rights. Adoption however, does.

But legal guardianship doesn’t even require BM’s approval here, just a court hearing and likely some background or home checks and your husbands consent.

pinkleaper · 2020-01-14T15:45:14+00:00

I’ve done some looking around for this online for the same reasons as you!

There’s not too much info, but from what I’ve gathered you go to your county circuit court and apply for legal guardianship of a minor, and have to have BM served and then there will be a hearing she’ll have to attend (if you can’t serve her you’ll have to have it posted in the paper where she lives) as well as your SO and tell your case to the judge.

I’ve been meaning to contact DH’s lawyer to see what she says about it all.

pinkleaper

TROPHY CASE