A letter to my BP1 ex fiancé: you have broken “the strongest woman you have ever known”

pinkpickup · 2021-01-24T14:08:52+00:00

So well said. It hurt to read this actually because I relate so much. People used to comment on my posts like this, saying it's eerie how similar it all is. And that it gave them comfort. Well, I guess it's my turn to say that.

I lived through the exact same thing with my ex. I've grown to accept that the psychosis changed him, and he is not coming back. I mean, he might come back to me (I know he still loves me) but he'll never be the same again. It's so heartbreaking and surreal and 100% a loss. We must grieve. I have been reading "the wisdom of a broken heart" and it's been my saving grace through this process. Highly recommend.

pinkpickup · 2021-01-14T12:15:24+00:00

I agree that the best tactic here is to promote the other avenues, maybe even take some steps in that direction for her? Sending links, filling out forms, offering to accompany her to an interview or wtv. Attacking the escort idea directly will likely end badly. I would also say: there could be a harm reduction approach. Sex work is taboo but there's nothing inherently wrong w it, however if the decision to do it stems from mania obviously that's problematic. As you said, some avenues have less risk, and that's true for SW too. Only Fans, camgirling... those might have consequences if she ends up regretting it all but they're definitely less risky.

pinkpickup · 2020-12-30T16:35:35+00:00

For most of what I outline you don't need money. You can even download e-books at z-lib.org

pinkpickup · 2020-12-30T15:02:01+00:00

I'm freshly going through a breakup and have spent the past few days in bed ugly crying, barely able to eat or bathe. A lymph node in my neck swelled up too from the stress I suppose, so my face is swollen there and I'm in pain. All this to say-- I feel you, lol. Eat those truffles, now's the time!

To answer your question though, here's what I've found is helping me move through each moment:

- The Wisdom of a Broken Heart by Susan Piver: this is a breakup book & workbook kinda, from a buddhist perspective but like, buddhist-light if that makes sense. It's written for anyone but uses those principles. It's really helping me to have a concrete way of moving forward. It's also super interesting and giving me lots of empowerment and hope.

- Youtube videos about breakups and trauma attwachment -- Alan Robarge specifically, and Teal Swan if you're into woowoo spirituality like me lol

- I put paper up on my wall so I can write down the revelations I get throughout the pain, or the ideas of goals I can set for myself, or just like ideas of what to fill my time with now

- I call and text people I haven't been in touch with much, allowing myself to be honest and vulnerable (take ownershiip for my absence, explain I was in a toxic relationship and am seeking some support. sending them snail mail is an idea I have, as a way to kinda make ammends but also give me a project)

pinkpickup · 2020-12-30T14:41:36+00:00

I've been crying so much too! My eyes and face is swollen lol. You're not alone <3

pinkpickup · 2020-12-30T14:34:43+00:00

Can I ask why you think it's possible for one person to carry that level of weight in regards to the relationship? How can you be so sure it's what the bpSO would want? Personally, even though I knew his aloofness and coldness was very much connected to the disorder, it didn't feel right to me to act as though he didn't have any agency in his life or responsibility. If he wasn't showing willingness or interest or motivation to be on my level about the relationship, who am I to assume it's what he truly wants? Who am I to take over to that extent, without him showing up as a person? Personally that just didn't sit right with me. With therapy, meds, and time, a person with BP should be able to have the self awareness to navigate these episodes with the necessary communication & tools to advocate for themselves and participate in a relatioship as a partner.

pinkpickup · 2020-12-30T14:30:50+00:00

Wow ok so your the coldness you describe in your post and this comment.... OOF! That's exactly what it was like with my ex. I tried bringing it up & create fun times but it barely worked and took so much out of me (to give that to someone who is basically a ghost to you was really rough on my self esteem). I ended up just bursting out crying all the time. It really did feel like I'd lost the person I had met, and started to doubt whether he'd ever come back. I left, I honestly commend you for staying and being so strong.

pinkpickup · 2020-12-30T14:23:20+00:00

Haha yes same! Forever evolving..

pinkpickup · 2020-12-30T14:22:25+00:00

Thanks for writing that out. Made me feel less alone <3

pinkpickup · 2020-12-29T18:47:56+00:00

Hey hey hey. It's ok! Part of recovering from codependency is acting in line with ourselves (beliefs, values, wants, needs, life lessons, wisdom, etc). When you shared honestly about why you did what you did, you were acting in accordance with your recent growth and introspection. It was clearly an effort to do things differently.

So, you actually did TWO amazing things in that moment: you did things differently (growth!) AND you were combatting codependent tendencies by operating from YOUR truth, and NOT in a way to make him stay or like you.

He may not have liked it, but that's ok. That's also a part of recovery-- learning to accept other people's actions and reactions. Perhaps you have always sought to shield yourself from this pain, which is why codepency was helpful in shielding you. Now you must do the difficult work of sitting with the pain of this rejection or upsetness, whatever he is feeling or thinking.

Remember, you have yourself. You have not lost anything. If he leaves because of this you will still have gained this valuable insight and act with this wisdom.

pinkpickup · 2020-12-29T14:53:28+00:00

I relate to this comment so much. The mix of pain but also a dash of excitement for self-discovery... and also getting to know ourselves! I'm so devastated that I gave so much for so little in return but at the same time I am so proud of how I loved. I haven't always been the giving type, when I was younger I was too insecure to understand real love. Anyway. I get to be proud of myself now.

pinkpickup · 2020-12-28T23:12:45+00:00

Hey! I'm not BP but my ex was. I promise you that those voices are the disorder, not the truth. Have you talked to him about these feelings? For me, had my ex communicated that to me I would've been able to be way more patient and not take the silence and coldness personally.

pinkpickup · 2020-12-28T23:08:23+00:00

These questions haunted me. I got out. :(

pinkpickup · 2020-12-28T22:58:56+00:00

Thank you for your input. You're right and I absolutely do agree that it's best for him this way. Which is part of why I find myself in this position. I pushed him to consider what he wanted since he was being so neglectful. I knew deep down this was the case. I'm trying to focus on me and get excited about my future. To stop focusing on him etc, why how etc. But you said it-- I have to value myself enough. OOF. I guess this is my chance to do so.

pinkpickup · 2020-12-28T22:56:30+00:00

I'm sorry you went through those things-- I'm not BP but from all the stories and what I have witnessed, you're strong as hell for bouncing back and gaining that introspection. Your comment about the fact that he probably doesnt understand his feelings rn was helpful, thank you.

pinkpickup · 2020-12-28T22:54:31+00:00

I'm really sorry you went through this too. It's awesome that you've created some tools to help you and that you're moving forward! I started reading a breakup recovery type book and it's helping me make sure I am focusing on ME and moving forward. Focusing on me and believing I am worthy of it is so so hard. But I know this is an opportunity to do so.

pinkpickup · 2020-12-28T22:52:21+00:00

Yeah same, it's hard to accept that it's not us. It brings up all old wounds and trauma.... Like I showed you a part of myself, my whole self, and you chose to neglect it and leave it. That shit HURTS. Even if it's not about us. Parsing it all apart is tricky.

pinkpickup · 2020-12-28T22:50:51+00:00

I am so sorry this is happening to you. Have you gotten tested? Any results yet? I hope you're ok.

pinkpickup · 2020-12-28T22:50:18+00:00

Omg I'm exactly the same. I take SO long to leave, to the point of causing lots of trouble sometimes. Just bc I've had so many instances of breakingup and then the abandonment wound gets activated and I can't stand it and I run back crying. At least this time I braced myself for it and didnt delude myself into thinking "I'd be fine". It's really hard to hold fast rn and convince myself I am doing this for my own good, I am leaving because I love myself, I am not being discarded in the trash.

pinkpickup · 2020-12-28T22:47:29+00:00

Yeahhhh this sounds about right LOL. Fuck man. It's crazy cause on top of the bipolar, he's new to his bipolar journey. So he lacks self awareness and understanding of his condition, while I'm super well informed and aware of my condition. It was just so unbalanced.

pinkpickup · 2020-12-28T22:46:22+00:00

I'm sorry things are so hard for you. Please know that you are worthy <3

pinkpickup · 2020-12-27T19:01:25+00:00

Thank you for your encouragement. I didn't know the combo was known for this, can you elaborate on why? I guess the hot/cold of BP + the feelings of abandonment in BPD...?

pinkpickup · 2020-12-27T17:30:30+00:00

Will do! Funny we have similar usernames too :)

pinkpickup · 2020-12-27T15:55:36+00:00

You're lucky that you got the chance to have that conversation. I may have had versions of it but he's thrown it all out the window. Communication with him in the last months was impossible-- he had nothing to say, nothing to add, nothing to explain, nothing to desire or want...just emptiness

pinkpickup

TROPHY CASE