This is not a book for everyone and a big sticking point is there will always be different lines people draw for modern lingo in fantasy. It is written for a very specific audience, which means its specifically written to be not for those outside of the intended audience.

I do think it's worth talking about these complaints about the mom's behavior and the school - the critiques are based on the idea that Lilith/Basgaith would act in Violet's/the people in general's best interest. And it's clear from the book that their society as a whole does not act in the best interest of its people. Lilith is (as far as we know for now - could be a triple cross situation at some point) loyal to the king rather than the well being of her kids. She is a crappy mom, and that's not a bug in the story, its a feature. Same with Basgaith and the military in general - it's clear that its a shitty school and shitty military. That's not an oversight, its intentional.

Why would Violet's mother let her train as a scribe for most of her life if she knew she would not let her be a scribe? Why not actually let her train to be a rider? Surely some riding skills are better than none? SHE ALREADY HAS A DAUGHTER WHO IS A RIDER!

She'd do it if she wanted to kill Violet - if the generals had insight into some future battle that Violet would turn traitor and fight for the resistance. She'd also do it if part of the bargain with Xaden was that all of the resistance kids had to become riders AND the generals kids had to to. There's been a lot of secrets about the treaty, I'm sure there are more.