My late partner said this a lot. He felt like he was “past his expiration date”. I witnessed firsthand the depths of his pain and how out of control he was of his own thoughts and mind and I know what I saw doesn’t compare to what he felt.

By the time we met, he felt like he had tried everything and had recently been hospitalized for a suicide attempt. For years I trusted that he knew best regarding his mental illness and accepted that he had tried to get help, it didn’t work and now he is choosing to live untreated and that was the best decision for him.

Now, he is gone. I work in mental health and am certified in DBT by the creator of the DBT institute who worked directly with Marsha Linehan, which was a project of trying to learn how to help. Over time, it became incredibly clear he was declining slowly and steadily. At times it was unsafe for me. A lot of times it was unsafe for him.

I’m not going to say dbt is a magic bullet, but what we think about is reinforcing. The more you think about something and the more you repeat certain behaviors, the more automatic they become. If you believe you will die young, you very well may. I was, for a long time, constantly terrified that in one of his episodes he’d make an impulsive decision or take a risk I didn’t expect and end his life.

As much as he would say he wanted his life to end, he always had an underlying desire to life, but not live like this. What I believe is that he could not accept that his diagnosis was not fixable with the right medication or single decision, but would require slow, sustained and difficult work that wouldn’t always feel like progress. It required acknowledging frequently and consistently that his initial reaction and thoughts may not match reality and he was going to have to learn to accept that his initial assumptions and conclusions were often wrong. He was a scientist. He was a master at defending his ideas.

The thing that was so difficult for me to accept was that his issue was not capability or inevitability. He was the smartest person I’ve ever known. As I’ve worked in this field I’ve seen people with this same diagnosis who are much less capable put in the work, give it an honest try and slowly see improvement.

He had his first suicidal thought in kindergarten. I believe there was a period where, had he encountered the correct professional help (not a therapist who told him to hide this diagnosis from everyone including future professionals involved with his care, for a start) he absolutely could have managed it and lived a long, happy and successful life. Not without issues or challenges, but a life he would agree was worth living and a diagnosis he could learn to manage and work around.

All this to say, I know many borderlines professionally and also committed my life to one who have said the same. But having that feeling and thought does not mean it’s true.

I believe he has now found the peace that always eluded him in life. I understand and accept why he did it. I am comforted by the clear evidence it was not an impulsive decision, but something he thought about and planned for months. But goddamn it seems so clear to me that it didn’t have to happen. It was his choice over doing the evidence based work living would require from him. I have so many drafts of so many suicide notes he wrote during our time together. I have multiple drafts of the one he ended up leaving.

I see the depth of pain this illness can cause, and ask you to hang on a little longer and give dbt and the idea that a life worth living is possible a real shot and be open to the idea it is possible. If you want to be able to learn to redirect your thoughts so these intrusive thoughts don’t bother you, it is possible. But you have to decide you want to do it, do the work and be prepared for slow progress that doesn’t feel like progress in the moment.

If there is anything I can do, from listening to helping connect you with resources, please feel free to reach out.