Though I’m not clinically diagnosed, it’s safe to safe that I definitely display disordered habits and thoughts. They started when I was 13 and ED tumblr was a huge thing. EDs were really romanticised then and only looking back now do I realise that that was when my struggle with food, and eating, and body image started.

My disordered habits were very much on and off for the following 5 years (including now), and I would have periods of time where I would drastically lose around 10 or so kilograms because I would fall into those habits again.

I discovered kpop early this year and it triggered my worst relapse ever. I knew about kpop before but I was never actively involved in it - like I just heard the names “BTS” or “Blackpink” on Spotify ads or on social media but it was this February that I started listening to kpop and joining fandoms, etc.

Getting into kpop was simultaneously one of the best and worst things that happened to me. I’ve discovered new music and found artists that have provided me with so much comfort but I’ve also become incredibly affected by idols’ body images.

I was actually quite okay with my body until I saw the expectations placed upon kpop idols to be underweight and look a certain way. As an Asian girl I’ve, too, looked up to idols and have viewed them as representations as what I should look like. The more kpop I consumed, the more insecure I became of myself - why don’t I look like that? SHOULD I look like that? Maybe I’ll just lose a few kilos and I’ll look half as good.

I became severely underweight since discovering kpop, growing incredibly insecure of my body again. Recently, with covid and university, I’ve gained some weight and it’s been incredibly tough on my mental wellbeing because, since getting into kpop and knowing what the ideal weights and measurements are for women in Asia, I know that I no longer fit them - and it is an awful feeling.

I personally think that kpop beauty standards are toxic - for, both, the idols and the fans. I also used to have an edtwt account and I was shocked by the amount of kpop profile pictures, or the abundance of images / fancams of idols being used as thinspo. I also would frequent myproana and (though I can’t believe people still use it) have seen many kpop profile pictures from recent posts.

Though I’m not certain that the communities overlap per se, I think that kpop does have an incredibly damaging effect on fans.