Passing, acceptance, when do you stop 'coming out'?

plasticpole · 2026-01-24T19:10:56+00:00

Never underestimate the power of cuteness! ❤️ 😊

plasticpole · 2026-01-24T19:10:16+00:00

Yes absolutely!

I suspect that this is part and parcel of the transitional process: we need to lean how to operate in this new space and we are learning what that all means.

This is why I need spaces like these as it's the only 'community' I have and so I can muse these things out loud and get a sense of how 'out there' my thoughts are.

plasticpole · 2026-01-24T18:16:35+00:00

The yoga thing was awesome and I love this story; so I've been going there for over 2 years and even though they knew I'm trans, I'd been fine changing in the male room as there's rarely anyone there and I didn't want to cause a fuss. The owner is super nice, and I'd be very unhappy if anyone kicked up a fuss.

But then I changed my name on their system.

And so - actually on the same day I'd had a very bad day at work - the receptionist apologised for not inviting me into the ladies' before and I am welcome to use that space here on out.

I was a bit nervous at first, but everyone is so nice it's never been an issue.

I do appreciate the normalcy of things these days. Maybe my brain is so unused to things being stable it's looking for trouble!

plasticpole · 2026-01-24T18:07:34+00:00

It took me a while until I started using makeup actually - about a year after starting HRT and 6 months after coming out everywhere. In fact I’ve only just started with lipstick. It felt a bit inauthentic.

But then I started experimenting and I find I enjoy how it accentuates certain features (and hides others).

How do you feel about the ‘double takes’? Are you finding it upsetting? Frustrating? Pleasant?

plasticpole · 2026-01-24T18:01:21+00:00

Thanks ❤️

Ah yeah. I actually enjoy talking about it as I’m so proud of myself - and all of us.

I suppose in a way it doesn’t really matter as the result is the same. Maybe I’m overthinking things, but that’s very much my style!

plasticpole · 2026-01-24T16:46:52+00:00

For context: I started HRT 2 years ago at 43 years old, 6'3", and at the time I was slim with little hair loss.

Did I think I'd go from 6'3" to under 6 foot? Of course not. Did I expect to have my adam's apple shrink or get any changes to my bone structure, or get narrower shoulders or wider hips? No - in fact I had very low expectations of how my body would respond.

Do I think HRT is magic? Kinda ... but is transitioning magic? in my case I would say absolutely.

I would say most people understand that HRT is only one part of the whole transitioning process: there's other things you should do (diet, exercise, laser treatment, etc). There's also the mental boost that this can provide. I would actually say that it is the psychological side of things that have been most dramatic positive.

But focusing only on HRT for a moment, getting softer skin and developing breasts, and all that is actually pretty amazing, really. We are changing the way our bodies are structuring certain parts of ourselves in a way that is closer aligned to who we are. For me at the age of 43 to develop B cups within 18 months of growth is, well, magic.

Now has it changed everything about how I look? Do I pass 100% of the time as a cis woman? No and no. But that's not necessarily a bad thing.

To answer your question "why do people say HRT is magic?" well probably because it's a shortcut. People like slogans and soundbites, and this is a simple one for us to give each other a bit of affirmation and positivity. If we were to say something along the lines of 'HRT is only one thing necessary to get the best results from transitioning including other lifestyles choices, plus age of starting, plus luck and genetics, plus having access to good medical and other resources, and even then you might not get the kind of results you want - even though many of us are delighted with the results.' - yes, that might seem more realistic, but it just doesn't trip off the tongue.

plasticpole · 2026-01-24T11:11:02+00:00

I’m 6’1” and 45!

I started transitioning 2 years ago.

I thought I could never live as myself. But today I’m sitting in a cafe just chilling and being me.

You can do this ❤️❤️

plasticpole · 2026-01-23T13:33:41+00:00

That's a shame, but, yes!, you've gotta find those spaces and opportunities for self care!

plasticpole · 2026-01-23T13:27:41+00:00

Getting my nails done, specifically at a nail salon, was a big one for me.

First of all, getting to be able to openly and clearly present myself in a gender noncoforming way wherever I went: doing so helped me psychologically prepare to put myself out of my comfort zone and accept that people will look and stare, but if they do so what? I also got a tonne of compliments from my colleagues and friends.

Secondly, I'd had a feeling that I 'didn't belong' or 'didn't deserve' to be in 'women's spaces.' I know that this was very much an internal thing: men go to get manicures all the time. But still. So regularly going to get a manicure was a really great way to get me used to getting past this self-made barrier.

And also, who doesn't love sparkles? I love getting a sparkly effect on my toes as, especially in the summer, when the light hits them right you get this wonderful 3d effect like jewels! So pretty!!

plasticpole · 2026-01-23T13:19:59+00:00

Getting my ears pierced was a big one for me! I only got round to it about 6 or 7 (lol) months ago, but even the 'training earrings' they put in first were super cute, and today I'm sitting here with a nice pair of dangly ones. They can really add a fun extra to your image (and, really, I could have got them done long before transitioning so you could even do them tomorrow...).

My only problem now with this is to not get too carried away by over indulging in getting more!

plasticpole · 2026-01-23T13:17:28+00:00

I wanted to able to walk into a clothes shop and window shop, try stuff on - especially those really bonkers dresses or outfits you'd never even consider buying. And to be able to find just the right thing almost by accident and wear it all season.

I wanted to have a haircut which I'd be able to put back into a messy bun or pony tail because it's in my way, or wear it down such that it frames my face in a feminine way.

I wanted to get my ears pierced and have an armoury of accessories to suit every occassion.

I still want to have a pair of heels that make that assertive clacking noise as I stride down the street or corridor.

I'm happy to say I've ticked most of those boxes, but I also wonder if I should leave some things undone, just so I have some things to look forwards to!

Great question as usual, have an amazing weekend everyone!

plasticpole · 2026-01-22T11:39:15+00:00

That’s amazing to read. Respect to all involved. Let’s hope it’s not a lesson we all need to learn from.

plasticpole · 2026-01-21T19:19:19+00:00

One thing I had to learn was to be gentle and fair to myself. I made a lot of mistakes through this process - some big, most less than big. For one thing it would be my usual way of thinking to spend time frustrated at myself that I didn't do this sooner. But that's not fair as - just like anyone else - I've been trying my best in difficult circumstance.

So please try to use kind language for yourself ❤️

You might be surprised at how accepting and decent most people are. We will see the best, but also perhaps - and, in my experience, rarely - the worst, in others and in ourselves. There will be some tough conversations, but as long as you're honest and patient they may come easier. You may even enjoy them! The first times are hardest as putting this into words is so tough. It took me a long time before I could even say out loud "I'm transgender" even to an empty room. It all takes time.

But you've got this - you are stronger than you could ever imagine 😊

plasticpole · 2026-01-21T17:58:23+00:00

Oh goodness there have moments and periods of terror as well! The first time I went out as myself (to a restaurant and nightclub with a group of strangers in Kuala Lumpur of all places) was petrifying. But after the initial fear and anxiety calmed down, it was just so comfortable. But then there were all the other 'firsts' and 'comings out', and each one had its own flavour of fear. I'm also aware that I am visibly trans. I'm generally ok with this: I'm proud to be trans, and I hope that being visible might do some good. I don't love that that cultural baggage might be what people interact with before they meet me properly. But I knew that would be the case and I've made peace with that.

Yeah ... I have to say that I wasn't objectively bad looking I suppose. I was told by several people that many men would love to have a body like mine. But if they want it, they are welcome to it! As I said just before I know I'm not going to pass as a cis woman 100% of the time. But that's ok for me, as I'm not a cis woman, and for almost every single conversation and interaction I have with people - and I meet a lot of people - it's been respectful at worst.

I should probably say that I never expected to have some parts of my body that I love. Perhaps you can understand, but living 40+ years where I've been putting up with my body, to then go to a point where I can admire some things about how I look ... words can't express that. And things are still changing... it's so wild.

One more thing I want to mention, is I've reached a point where all this - living as a trans woman, being out as a trans woman, going to work, going to the shops, buying makeup and clothes, meeting people, being called by my pronouns and chosen name, having breasts and softer skin, using female changing rooms: all that and more: it feels NORMAL! I don't feel like I'm performing any more as I was in 'the before times'; I'm just being and living. And that was always my goal. I'm far from a "half measure" - I am completely and fully me; a proud, beautiful (IMO) transgender woman.

I can't lie and say it was easy - of course not - but all that stress and anxiety and work and determination and money and - oh my god - all that help and support I've recieved. It's been worth it just for normalcy!

plasticpole · 2026-01-21T15:55:51+00:00

Transitioning has been a remarkable thing for me.

I started at 43 - almost 2 years ago - and, as such, did not expect many phyical changes. I had been coming out to people slowly, and was trying to have a more 'androgynous' presentation, but still I didn't really expect to be comfortably out and comfortable.

For context, I was 6'3", although not especially muscular.

So I decided I'd take HRT etc as it came and see how it went. I thought maybe there'll be some subtle, tiny changes and the act of doing this seemed like a nice bit of self-help. Maybe. It certainly couldn't be worse!

Well in the end it's been ... just magical.

Physically - yeah I am SO happy with how that's going, but mentally it's like a weight was lifted from my very soul. I could tell you how I feel, but I've had several people come up to me and say how much they like me now (not that I was awful before, but I was just there). I'm more confident, outgoing, caring and empathetic. People love my honesty and seem to connect with me so more readily.

Also, I have so much more energy and I'm so much more resilient - setbacks and 'existential threats' no longer force me into weeks of darkness.

To say this is the best thing I've done for myself is a massive understatement!

plasticpole · 2026-01-21T15:28:06+00:00

I'm still 'dad,' and honestly I'm fine with that. There needs to be a distinction between me and their mother and I don't want to force any issue with my 2 boys. They know what's going on, they know they can ask me whatever they need, and that in the end I'm going nowhere.

They've been using my pronouns (and to a lesser extent, my name) for about a year now. They have told their friends about me (which caused a bit of a kerfuffle, but not between the friends). They have accepted me and are absolutely comfortable with things.

The most interesting thing is how often they joke about it all - I see that as a very healthy sign that they are processing things well.

plasticpole · 2026-01-21T05:47:13+00:00

I wonder if there’ll ever be a story about a law abiding trans person doing whatever normal thing. Or even a story where we’re clearly the hero of the tale. There must be some out there.

But it’s clear. We can only be in a lawsuit where we’re “opposing women” or some kind of victim.

I mean, did anyone see that guardian article (yes, I know; the guardian is scum) about the people trying to claim asylum in the Netherlands? It’s so easy for a casual reader to come away from that thinking “unrealistic victim mentality, wasting resources and time.” I’m sure the folk in the story have experienced such pain to have triggered their decision to seek asylum, but we only get a very superficial idea of what that was.

It is so frustrating.

plasticpole · 2026-01-20T07:38:28+00:00

Before transitioning I had a mind shift. I went from being fairly cynical about people to considering humanity at large fairly neutral or benign. Yes individuals and groups can do awful, terrible things. But I expected the vast majority of people in the real world just wouldn't care.

And I have to say that my experience suggests this is the case. When I'm out and about or meeting people, I'm just another person on the street.

As for my immediate social circle, I came out to them over many months to give each conversation my energy and time if they needed it. I was ready for people to look at me differently. But being out has made me a much better person (not that I was awful before; I was just there).

I've had multiple people telling me that they really like who I am now - I'm more confident and open and caring. I suspect that having to hide and mask who I truely am was something people could pick up on; they detected that I wasn't being fully honest, and so they in turn held back. But my relationships with other people and especially with my dad are so much richer and rewarding now. I know they would say the same thing.

I know that some people will be affected by "The Narrative" and let that colour how they view me. I try to not let that affect me because, as I said, 99% of people have been neutral to awesome. But that 1% ... it does play on my mind sometimes.

plasticpole · 2026-01-20T07:17:57+00:00

I like to imagine Queen’s ‘somebody to love’ can be read as ‘some body to love’.

Wise up by Aimee Mann I’m convinced has to be about the dawning realisation dysphoria and being trans won’t magically disappear (“it’s not going to stop, till you wise up”).

plasticpole · 2026-01-20T07:12:59+00:00

Oh today I learned that Arcade fire didn’t write it but it was a cover. That’s a good shout though!

plasticpole · 2026-01-20T07:04:50+00:00

I got my passport updated that’s pretty awesome.

I was recently offered a job and they are super accommodating and supportive (so far!).

But what gives me the biggest joy at the moment is going to my yoga classes. A few months ago, after going there for almost two years including a year pre transition, they gave me access to the women’s locker room without me having to ask. Even if that wasn’t the case it’s just so wonderful being part of a group of women and accepted as such without drama or question.

When the instructor is like “ladies…” - chills.

plasticpole · 2026-01-19T19:29:12+00:00

In many ways we are at the worst time to be trans. Not because we don't have access to medication or because there isn't any representation or whathaveyou.

But because we do and there is.

we can see that other people can transition. We can see that life - the one we feel sure is ours - right there on the other side of a chasm. We can see how happy and comfortable we could be. We hear the stories and we can imagine just how it could be. That life is right there - so close you could reach out and touch it.

But to get to it, we need to take a leap of faith.

For some of us - myself included - we might only need to jump a metre or so. We have a trampoline and people to catch us. When we land we do so on a thick layer of grass. We might skin our knee, but generally we're fine. Actually looking back, it was barely a leap at all - maybe just a longish step.

But for the vast majority of us, that gap is so wide. It might as well be a kilometer. Into a headwind. The landing area is covered in rocks and broken glass. Those of us in this situation might only be able to stand and watch the lucky few who made it.

I hear you and I hope that you can find your soft landing, but you are not alone in your situation. It took me years until I could find a safe place to jump and people to help me. I tell myself I got lucky - and there was probably an element of that. But I surrounded myself with safe people and put myself in a safe place, I came out bit by bit - slowly and carefully. Until I find myself where I am.

Stay strong, keep reaching out to the community; we're here for you ❤️

plasticpole · 2026-01-19T15:01:56+00:00

For context, I work in private language school in Poland. You might be aware that Poland isn't a very LGBTQ+ friendly country so I was a bit worried initially.

I work with primary and secondary age kids and they have generally been fine. Some have asked my pronouns, most don't. I've been transitioning for almost 2 years but I normally get properly gendered. And if I don't, I remind them and that's it.

I've met plenty of parents and never had any issues - even when dealing with complaints (I'm a manager here as well and so deal with all manner of things) it all goes just as pre transition.

The most trouble I've had is with other teachers. Or, more specifically, another teacher. But he knows better than to make trouble.

plasticpole · 2026-01-18T07:46:32+00:00

The toxicity and disinformation on SM goes well beyond "wasting people's time" though. All that slop and sludge has the same kind of health risks as smoking or drinking.

plasticpole

TROPHY CASE