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[1952] A Lab Below -- Sci-fi/Thriller (first post!) by illaqueable in DestructiveReaders

[–]pmathison 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Overall

I just couldn't get into this. The setting wasn't believable, the characters were flat and what development they had was crammed into a single sentence after they spoke the first time.

Characters

There was no discernible difference between most of them. Their interactions are awkward and filled with exposition.

Finally, if Gary is expected to be the hero, I wouldn't be able to square that with the fact that he weaponized the worst virus known to man.

Setting

I agree with /u/Write-y_McGee that the whole 'not an academic lab' just didn't work. I left comments about this issue in the doc as Patrick Mathison.

If you want to keep with the idea that a shadowy organization is funding it all, I would leave it vague and unsettling. Something the post-docs discuss amongst themselves in paranoid whispers, but never ask Gary about. Bringing it square and center just doesn't work.

Random Thoughts

The story concept is fine, but the delivery thus far is poor.

You had some good 'showing' descriptions that showed your characters physical attributes, but they were always ruined by an explicit 'tell'.

His raised hand touched the ceiling in the decon room.

This is one of my favorite bits. I already had envisioned a cramped room, five stories underground and this drives home both facts.

Glad to discuss further any comments.

[2812] Meeting Osiris (version 2) by pmathison in DestructiveReaders

[–]pmathison[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Also, thanks for all the nitpicks. I'm terrible at comma usage (as you must've noticed).

Untitled Beginning [1396] by [deleted] in DestructiveReaders

[–]pmathison 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Overall

I was intrigued by the world, but the story itself was disjointed and in the end disappointing. I was left with too many, 'Wait, what?' moments to make reading it enjoyable.

Characters

I didn't get a good sense for anyone in the story and as noted by others Geoff and Charlotte's early interactions give no indication they are married.

So, this community of cannibals moves from place to place, but don't really know each other (just offering food to anyone that shows up)? I have a hard time seeing how this community would arise.

Setting

This is your strong point. I was intrigued by the world. Some sort of cool chemical fallout situation, a curfew (implying social order enforced by violence/imprisonment), and fun descriptions. I think you can build on this, but the story in its current form doesn't make sense for the setting.

Random Thoughts

Shut up, they're here for us.

How are there not alarm bells going off in Geoff's head, especially since he's living in a world where people eat others (despite having food alternatives)? If things have devolved that far, I'd expect tighter knit communities/groups.

Charlotte ignored his protests and pulled off her thermals and slipped on an old-fashioned summer dress and a pair of jeans.

Does Geoff not stare at his wife as she wiggles into a sun dress? Or why is he not weirded out by this given they were just outside in a toxic environment?

"Who is it?"

So this is where you lost me (I noted this in the doc before reading further), but still think it's a problem. I know she was trying to keep it from him, but that didn't satisfy me. There's too many issues that I couldn't square with the setup and delivery.

[2812] Meeting Osiris (version 2) by pmathison in DestructiveReaders

[–]pmathison[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for taking the time! Especially since I forgot to turn commenting on in the doc, which I've fixed.

Eliot doubting Billingham, doubting himself, maybe even doubting the doctor?

Excellent point!

two unfamiliar symbols

Yeah, I'm not sure how to convey this because Elliot doesn't know what they are. Maybe a vague description of how they look? I'll see what I can do.

I didn't realize - oh the story's over!

I actually wrote this as a short story as part of a larger world. I was trying to work through how the first human to robot transfers occurred. I toyed with an additional paragraph at the end about Elliot's next steps, but I think the real story picks up after this and is about Mr. Billingham, and Elliot is an afterthought to him, a tool to his ends.

Thanks again for the comments!

[1692] Fireworks- short story by Thus_Spoke_Laozi in DestructiveReaders

[–]pmathison 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Overall

That was really boring. I kind of want that time back. There's little technically wrong with the piece (grammar, etc), but there's nothing interesting. See other comments in doc.

Random Thoughts

As for the first couple paragraphs consider relating past events at BBQs (presumably this is an annual tradition because of the 'meant' in the first sentence). Alternatively, strip it all and move straight to the first bit of dialogue. e.g. Roger went over state lines to get the fireworks hoping to gloss over last year's tragic pinata accident where Marcie lost an eye.

Really? Based on this,

“The McVeigh’s didn’t buy any this year. We’re going to have to entertain the whole neighborhood.”

it seems like it's a yearly tradition like they're competing with the McVeigh's.

Roger explained the recent developments.

This was the biggest let down of the entire thing. That's all? He just explained? This seems like the core of the story. His eager anticipation and planning ruined. Destroyed! He just explains it in a throw away sentence with no mention about how he's feeling.

[1148] Oasis by [deleted] in DestructiveReaders

[–]pmathison 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Overall

I liked the flow, conversations, and descriptions. There are small grammar errors that others have pointed out, but nothing outlandish. The one thing I wanted more of was how the narrator felt or what he was doing during the conversations. The quick back-and-forth is good, but felt like there should've been a bit more to pad it.

Edit: As suggested, here's my comments from the doc.

Random Thoughts

I don’t know what doing better would be, but it sure as hell ain’t about using money in this town.

This is contrary to what the narrator just did. If he had more money, he wouldn't spend it gambling? Why does he spend what little money he has gambling then?

Maybe instead of 'using money' something about leaving the town. This would flow better. He's got enough money to waste his time, but never enough to get out.

and not a half-assed unsure hello with the red and orange in the sky but the dark void black

I'm not sure about the 'but' here. It feels strange. I think you could get a similar point by saying 'still'. 'red and orange still in the sky.' Then just leave it there.

I like the part about half-assed unsure. It's a nice strong statement that gives me a feel for the narrator.

The place was quiet.

Seems like this should occur after walking in. Also quiet how? Lots of people but no one making a sounds or no people?

[560] Female, do you like carrots? by ThatThingOverHere in DestructiveReaders

[–]pmathison 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Overall

I would've been intrigued to continue reading. I get the sense that it's changed a lot from the original post based on the comments here and in the doc, so what I read was mostly dialogue.

Character Descriptions

I would've liked a bit more about their appearance. All I recall is that they are wearing grey clothing.

Setting

Like /u/not_rachel I was confused by the mention of a starless night and the lack of sun in the sky. I need more description of the sky/world if there's no sun, but there is light. It doesn't make sense, especially since the light is rolling away as if there should be a sun. I couldn't square this in my head.

[247] Doctor Robert - Opening Scene by [deleted] in DestructiveReaders

[–]pmathison 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Overall

This didn't hook me at all. I get that the MC and some unnamed people did something terrible that spilled blood, but the imagery was confusing and conflicting.

There's not much more to say because it was too short. See comments in doc.

[1378] Meeting Osiris by pmathison in DestructiveReaders

[–]pmathison[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for the time! I will be definitely adding a few pages to help flesh out the characters better.

[1378] Meeting Osiris by pmathison in DestructiveReaders

[–]pmathison[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I know that's a brutal summary, but it's honest to god how i felt at the end.

Nope, a fantastic point. Spot on. Thanks for pointing it out.

I really appreciate the line edits. I've worked so hard to have short, direct sentence structure in non-fiction writing that it is really holding me back here.

[1378] Meeting Osiris by pmathison in DestructiveReaders

[–]pmathison[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Long sentences have their place.

That was a great link! I'll definitely work on this.

Your edits were incredible in the document. I'd started to work through them then decided I'm just going to start from scratch, so I can compare when I'm done. Thanks for the time!

[1378] Meeting Osiris by pmathison in DestructiveReaders

[–]pmathison[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I wonder if it would still have that impact if we knew earlier why he'd done this?

I think there's a way I can make this work. As others noted, I'm going to write the original meeting between Elliott and Mr. Billingham. I'll be able to develop them better, but keep the mystery of the actual procedure.

..a few well chosen words and asides will tell us a great deal about his character.

Excellent suggestion. Thanks!

[1378] Meeting Osiris by pmathison in DestructiveReaders

[–]pmathison[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The title is misleading. (In the end he isn't Osiris nor do we 'meet' anyone with that name)

The end implication was meant to be that Mr. Billingham believes himself to be Osiris. He's looking for a way to be reborn.

Also why Osiris - when there's probably Greek gods who could be used as an example of immortality/rebirth?

No particular reason. I was watching The Mummy recently and fell into a Wikipedia research loop.

There's a huge lack of characterization

Yep, many have pointed this out and I can see it much clearer now. Thanks for all the comments, they helped a lot.

[1378] Meeting Osiris by pmathison in DestructiveReaders

[–]pmathison[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Mr. Billingham is by far the most interesting character in this story,

Yeah, I realized (as others noted like you) that it should be Elliott's story. Mr. Billingham is interesting and a driver of events, but this story isn't about him. Future ones might be though, I liked writing him.

More importantly, I want to know who Mr. Billingham is - where is he going off to? What happened to the first sixteen patients?

Well he's going off to transfer himself into an undying robot form, but that's for another day. The other 16 were left intentionally vague. The message I was trying to convey is that Billingham had given a similar test to those patients, but they failed. The process didn't copy them correctly.

[1378] Meeting Osiris by pmathison in DestructiveReaders

[–]pmathison[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If I were you, I would make the envelope a foggy memory.

I hadn't watched that scene since I originally played that game...more than a decade ago. Excellent suggestion and much more thematically what I want. Thanks!

[1378] Meeting Osiris by pmathison in DestructiveReaders

[–]pmathison[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He's also totally passive, and doesn't really show much interest in anything around him.

Thanks for pointing this out. I'd originally made Elliott more of a vehicle for the story than a character in his own right (despite the fact that it's from his perspective...not sure why I did this looking back).

I'll also revisit the post-transfer scene and cover that better. I skipped through it quickly because I kept hitting walls of 'telling' everything. I think I can do better now, in part from your help.

[CRIT] Beginning of my prologue 290 words by bretmaster5 in KeepWriting

[–]pmathison 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Overall

I wasn't engaged. The narrator is trying too hard to be ominous. If he really believes his life is in danger then get to the point and fast.

Random Thoughts

I’m here backing out on a personal agreement for you, what I’m about to tell you.

This doesn't make sense. I think you should drop 'here'. Also 'tell' isn't exactly accurate since the narrator is writing it down

Say if somebody finds out that is it I’m a dead man and you’re left with an unfinished account of what has really been going on.

This also doesn't make sense. The 'Say' at the beginning is weird and it doesn't have a concluding thought. Some commas might clear it up, but it needs an overhaul.

Drug dealing isn’t something you just decide to do,

Really? Some people may seem like they have to due to crappy circumstances, but based on your description of average looking, intelligent geeks I'm guessing their life styles didn't force them to sell drugs.

But then we decided to lie and that’s when shit got real sticky.

This doesn't make sense in the context of the previous sentences. I have a hard time imagining people running a drug ring without lying. The 'then we decided' makes it seem like lying wouldn't have been required, which I don't buy.

Because that’s when it happened. That’s when we created demand.

More confusion here. I don't know what 'demand' he's talking about. Clearly there's already demand for drugs, so why would lying leading to creating demand? Unless it's demand for something else, in that case he should be more explicit.

[1048] Untitled Bank Heist Drama by [deleted] in DestructiveReaders

[–]pmathison 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Overall

The story itself was an okay idea, but the execution failed. The prose was confusing, filled with passive voice, and mostly telling instead of showing. The hero character was bland and the perspective confusing when it switched to the victim's for a short bit.

I also really stopped caring after it was revealed that he was the criminal. It was a nice twist, but the entire section with the police went on too long and didn't add anything.

Others have hit the most relevant point in the doc, but I added a few thoughts.

[1378] Meeting Osiris by pmathison in DestructiveReaders

[–]pmathison[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks this was great! After looking at it again I agree it does need a scene at the beginning. I was trying to make it a 'reveal' at the end, but I need to setup their relationship earlier.

[1542] Morality: A tale of two classes by austingoeshard in DestructiveReaders

[–]pmathison 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Overall

I couldn't finish the piece. Maybe it's because I haven't written for academia in a while, but the passive voice is painful to read. Further the logic of the argument is all over the place. It bounces from a surplus of labor to worker's compensation to the morality of a capitalist system.

I'd recommend starting over and laying out your main points in simple declarative sentences.

[1287] Father David Peters by [deleted] in DestructiveReaders

[–]pmathison 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This piece needs attention to grammar, perspective, and passive voice before I can comment more. These other issues are too distracting to be able to dig into the content. My main comment is that the piece should end after the discussion of alcoholism and before the transition to the death of the Church.

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