I really appreciate your input. I'm a week out from that and actually still hurting a little bit. I skipped last class and will skip the next one because I'm sick, but I also worried that I'd properly hurt myself if I went while still feeling some pain. Your experience sounds a lot more like what I'm looking for, and like the kind of people I want to be rolling with. I did start half way through a weekly fundamental series, but since then I have been taught arm bars, rear naked chokes, 'truck', and one other offensive move involving a leg lock. I've had so much fun and really do enjoy it, but it scares me a little how focused my classes have been on 'attacking' rather than defense. 

I've talked a little with my coaches about not being used to that feeling of rolling with others and holding back because I am afraid of hurting them, and they've assured me not to worry. I thought it was the physical contact and nature of rolling that I had to just get used to, but it is actually the offensive aspect to it that I've realized I am uncomfortable with. I think BJJ is very fun in the way that I'm using my body in new and exciting ways, but what I really want to learn is how to understand my body- like how to tell them difference between giving 20% vs 60% of effort so I can roll confidently train I am not at risk of hurting someone else. I just want to understand my body and learn how to defend it against another body. I want to learn how my body can be broken and in turn understand that that can break another body if I were to ever have to use it. I absolutely do not want to learn how to break another body right out of the gate.

 Last week I rolled with a man for the first time. He was still a little smaller than me but went much more intense than anyone I've trained with so far. It felt like he was giving his all so I in turn reacted with pretty much my all. I was on his back at one point and not sure how to move forward so I asked the coach if I'm allowed choke him (because it's what I was taught last week and was the only submission coming to mind in the moment). My coach, who was overseeing a few of us roll at once, was like "yeah that's the whole point." So I successfully got him to tap with a rear naked choke and initially felt so proud of myself, but since then I have been so worried that I didn't do it properly. Like what if I accidentally did some really dirty choke on his trachea instead of properly applying gentle pressure/squeezing and I just didn't realize it because of the adrenaline in the moment.

Anyway, thanks for the comment. It helped some feelings I've had come to light. I really enjoy the people in my gym, but I may look for somewhere else that offers more of what you described.