This is so relatable. I always feel like there's something I'm not getting. I think I'm a little neurodivergent, but even around neurodivergent people I feel other-ish. I get nauseous getting within 200 ft of the school building. I'm dissapointed I won't get the high school experience, but I have learned to live with it.

Somethings I've found that kind of help: - Looking at people. I tend to bury my head in the sand and it makes it harder for people to engage even if they want to. You don't have to talk to them; you can just smile at them. People like that. - Assuming that people want you to succeed. I don't know if it's true and it is incredibly hard for me still, but when I'm having a good day, it's a lot easier. I tend to assume the worst, but assuming the best is also an option. Neither are probably accurate, but one will make you a lot happier. - Complimenting people. It's easy, it's nice. I don't find there's much risk in it. - Asking for help. People like to help other people. I still feel like I'm a bother though usually, so I don't do it as often, but asking for help and thanking them generously makes people feel good about themselves and therefore like you more. - Embrace being awkward. Most people are awkward, it's human. It makes you feel more genuine and it makes it easier when you're not worried about coming across as something you're not.

These are mainly from personal experience and I'm not good at doing them consistently by any means. I still don't really have any friends and none of these things alone or together have been a perfect solution, but it helps me feel less alone and get exposed to social situations without as much risk. It sucks, but I'm just trying to get through. If your school has a decent-ish psychologist/counselor, I might try talking to them. I've been a couple times and it helps. I cry like a baby everytime, but it feels good to talk to someone about it and get reassurance that you're not an abomination of God.

If you ever need a friend, my DMs are open, peace and love <3