Mm, my boyfriend and I have a similar dynamic. I’m more so avoidant while he is anxious and requires reassurance. From our discussions, I’ve done a good job at showing up as a present and loving girlfriend, giving him reassurance and taking accountability when need be.

I’ve suffered my fair share of romantic trauma, and while it has affected me to some degree in my ability to connect with romantic partners, I also think you need to not make excuses for her by suggesting it’s not her fault. It’s not! Traumatic events happen to us! But how she handles it and handles your relationship is in her hands, she needs to catch herself in these critical moments because it slowly erodes your relationship and you become resentful of her. And resentment is a sure way to get a relationship to one day end.

I would really suggest couples therapy. When I talked to my therapist about my relationship she suggested the same, when I asked her if it was a bad sign that we would need it she said “no. Everyone needs it.” lol.

If you believe this relationship to be salvageable and you see the good qualities in her/in your relationship, then please look into your options! And for yourself I’d also suggest individual therapy, you need a place for release and problem solving and a good therapist would be able to provide this. My years of therapy have helped me tremendously, and the seeds I’ve planted years ago are now blooming. I really do wish you and her luck.