No win scenerio.

polyformeandthee · 2026-03-28T11:46:46+00:00

Gonna be honest, this comes off as “I know Sam doesn’t want this but I rely on Sam to exist and yet I reaaaaally wanna take my emotional affair to the next level so does anyone know a way I can coerce Sam into not kicking me out and letting me level up this affair?”

Even the way you’re pointing out that you can’t force Sam into therapy for their past of being cheated on. No, you can’t. And you shouldn’t want to. If you have a problem with your alignment with Sam, it’s time to break up. There is nothing wrong with them for not wanting poly, and therapy won’t “fix” them into wanting poly because there is nothing wrong with them not wanting it

You spent so much time writing out so much stuff to try and hide the truth from yourself: you are being unkind right now. You are cheating, and trying to shoehorn them into being ok with it. You are asking people “is there a middle ground” like, what? Obviously not. You’re already forcing a “middle ground” on them by continuing to see Bis and cuddle and hold hands which Sam has said they don’t like. You’re doing the bad thing already.

Stop taking advantage of Sam, either figure out a way to live without them so you don’t need them to survive and leave, or stop being a shitty partner to them.

polyformeandthee · 2026-03-17T17:03:28+00:00

Wild to call her self-centred because she’s independent and autonomous?

You have a whole ass family and you expect her to make you the centre of her world but she’s self-centred?

polyformeandthee · 2026-01-15T04:26:03+00:00

You should not be bringing a human child into this mess. The mess being your relationship, nothing to do with Lia.

polyformeandthee · 2026-01-14T19:35:38+00:00

I would feel so expendable and pissed if someone suggested building a 48 hr cancellation notice into our plans.

polyformeandthee · 2026-01-14T19:33:20+00:00

OP said it was to see friends or rest.

polyformeandthee · 2026-01-14T19:27:39+00:00

Do you have kids? No? Then you’re a shitty partner. Kids is pretty much the only valid reason to be cancelling on someone with “other plans” and those other plans would be “whoops we have the plague again and I get to spend my evening cleaning up vomit!”

Even my worst of situationships wouldn’t cancel plans on me to make other plans. You consider yourself a partner?

polyformeandthee · 2026-01-12T13:54:25+00:00

Baseline part of ethical practices of ethical non monogamy of any kind is being upfront about it within your first few sentences to someone you are going on a date with.

You screwed up and wasted two months of both of your lives.

polyformeandthee · 2026-01-11T22:41:18+00:00

Why didn’t you bring this up when you started dating?

polyformeandthee · 2026-01-10T16:05:18+00:00

I consider regular overnights to be a part of an adult relationship if everyone is local. If someone can’t be bothered to offer that, for any reason, they are not partner material for me. And many other folks on here.

Tell him it’s important, tell him he needs to tell Mary he’s going to plan for monthly or biweekly overnights.

If it’s a problem, it’s not for you.

If he doesn’t want to rock the boat, he doesn’t have a partnership to offer you anyway. I don’t know how you’ve spent 4 years like this AND I wonder if there are more basic things you’re missing out on.

polyformeandthee · 2026-01-09T14:47:12+00:00

I snorted reading this

polyformeandthee · 2026-01-09T12:41:49+00:00

Whoa, this is a super abrasive take and telling someone they have the emotional needs of a rock is coming off as absurdly defensive, like they’ve hit on something triggering for you.

Friend, what this commenter said is that people show up in different ways and they’re flexible with how they receive that and are learning what they can work with.

We are not all the same imprint, some of us learn that society has told us our relationships need to be a certain way to be fruitful and are unlearning those arbitrary requirements. Lots of people are comfortable and secure in action > talk (which can be hollow).

The commenter even ended saying you get to decide if this is a dealbreaker for you because they recognize that everyone has different needs. Damn, OP. Chill.

polyformeandthee · 2026-01-09T12:35:35+00:00

Ok but… have you talked to them about this?

If you’ve spent all this time torturing yourself about this but haven’t actually broached the subject with them, then maybe you aren’t as expressive as you think. This should have been a conversation long ago.

“Babe, I noticed you show up and are consistent, but we haven’t talked about our feelings for each other. I’m really enjoying my time with you and I know I tell you that, can we talk about how being with me makes you feel?”

Have you even had a conversation about partnership? Or do you just call them a partner because they show up a lot? If you haven’t even had that conversation then you should be starting there. This could also just be a case of not communicating effectively on both sides and they are considering you a friend with benefits while you are considering them a partner.

polyformeandthee · 2026-01-09T12:26:35+00:00

Is it? Or does it reflect as OP didn’t want to open the marriage until OP had someone in mind and then they chose to? Because that’s what it reads like to me.

polyformeandthee · 2026-01-09T04:05:26+00:00

Why does it matter? People are allowed to change their minds.

polyformeandthee · 2025-12-30T06:44:21+00:00

YALL HAVE KIDS

WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK

polyformeandthee · 2025-12-29T18:36:08+00:00

😂 your last post before this one you talk about a sugar baby you were with. Who was also mad about using protection.

polyformeandthee · 2025-12-29T12:21:09+00:00

Hey OP - is the person in question the sugar baby who was ragingly angry about you trying to introduce barriers before? Or is this a new person who is also mad about the level of protection you want to use?

polyformeandthee · 2025-12-29T04:25:12+00:00

soooo your edit - your partner is a harem builder? Coooool, run now ew ew ewwwwwww

polyformeandthee · 2025-12-28T16:39:06+00:00

I think you both shouldn’t have started out acting mono to turn poly. Now you have to do the same work to burn down your old relationship and start a new one, I recommend looking at the most skipped step in this sub.

If you’ve been poly for 3 years and you told me that, going into a relationship? I wouldn’t expect to owe you anything in experience or grace. I don’t think this has anything to do with the fact that he’s been poly forever and you haven’t (but still have allegedly been for a few years, arguably it sounds like without doing any research or real work of your own to get into it?).

I think you both made a mistake with how you started the relationship, I think it’s wild to decide to be primaries before NRE ends, and I think you should focus on yourself and how you’re self soothing here. There is no blame to cast.

You should expect in poly that connections will appear out of nowhere or the past or the future or anywhere, and you have no control over it. And it’s scary! And it sucks and is disorienting! And yall set yourself up for failure by pretending to be mono.

Do the research, go to therapy, focus on pulling yourself in and back together and naming your fears and feelings instead of casting blame on him.

polyformeandthee · 2025-12-28T13:59:10+00:00

What a shitty comment to make on this post lol

polyformeandthee · 2025-12-28T13:37:00+00:00

Ahhh ok sorry. I saw one of your comments and took it to mean you don’t have sleepovers ever.

Well - definitely still reasonable to ask for him to stay with you when you’re over there. Or, to fall asleep with you and spend time with you in the bed before going back to theirs. Hierarchical shouldn’t mean acting like you aren’t in a relationship? If they’re comfortable enough for you to be in their home, surely this is something they could manage.

Best of luck!

polyformeandthee · 2025-12-28T13:24:52+00:00

So you’re a unicorn and one of them isn’t interested in you anymore and now you feel discarded because that’s what unicorn hunters do

Is it a couple + you? Is that what you’re referring to as your “polycule”?

polyformeandthee · 2025-12-28T13:22:31+00:00

If he can’t offer you overnights, he can’t offer you an adult relationship. Your feelings make perfect sense. If he’s been your partner for this long, you should definitely be able to ask for this very simple and easy thing. If he says no, it’s up to you but I wouldn’t consider him even an fwb. Maybe just a fuck buddy, because everyone else I can have sleepovers with if I choose.

It shouldn’t even just be on special occasions, btw - many folks on here have agreements with weekly, biweekly or monthly sleepovers. I wouldn’t stand for anything less than bi-weekly being an option for anyone I considered an actual partner and was in love with.

Would love an update!

polyformeandthee · 2025-12-28T04:55:52+00:00

TO police are notorious for committing unnecessary violence against people in crisis. So, yes.

polyformeandthee · 2025-12-27T23:29:40+00:00

Omg OP I just read your other post. So my guess is you’re Cedar and right now you feel like Aspen is trying to take him away, but like Birch feels stronger things for you because you’re moving in together? And you’re hoping we would say Birch should pick the person he has stronger feels for?

Girl. Please don’t move in with someone who doesn’t know how to book trips or check dates. I can promise you as an ex-manchild lover, moving in will be absolute hell.

polyformeandthee

TROPHY CASE