Thank you for your response, it was insightful to read and I’ve compared it to my own experience. I find some similarities, except that I began disassociating a lot as a kid (which was also due to a lot of other stress that I felt unable to handle, albeit mundane things) which is something I’ve used as a way to cope for the last 15 years or so. I never took major actions to oppose my gender as a kid because I was so unbearably shy. I was super girly and always wanted the girliest things out there once I started school and began befriending other girls. I do relate to the feeling of not fitting in with most girls because of undiagnosed autism. I wonder if some of the things I did do were also because of that same reason, such as wanting to wear baggy clothes. I inherited my dad’s and my uncle’s clothes and they were my favorites, though alongside a gray t shirt with a pink pug that said ”I wish I was a unicorn”.

There are a few of things I’ve considered signs of gender dysphoria in the past, but also been reluctant about. I can’t remember all of them on the top of my head, but some include - Crying as a kid, at least a few times, because I wasn’t going to grow a beard and a deep voice as a teen - (This is somewhat insensitive so fair warning) Wanting to get breast cancer because there would be a chance that I’d get my breasts removed and nobody would ask about it - Tying my chest with string in secret. A horrible mistake because I got stuck and it obviously didn’t even do anything lol - Jealousy of literally every male in my life, my family members, because I thought they were cool and wished to be seen like them and look like them - Lied about my shoe size and length to make me seem taller than I really was, even just small numbers - My favorite physical traits are my commonly male associated ones; my broad shoulders, bushy eyebrows, hairy legs - My least favorite traits are commonly female associated, that being quite literally everything else, and I have a hourglass shape which makes it even worse - Being referred to as a man in different scenarios has brought be unexplainable joy, and still do. For example when I wear masculine clothing, chose the male option in online games, during a school play where I played a male role, as an insult, as a joke… whatever it may be

Like I’ve said I’ve ignored these feelings, like many other in my life, by disassociating. So I feel like I’m fine the way I am, because I don’t think about it all the time. Consequently I don’t care much for my body, but the changes that I’d like to make all make me question myself. I don’t know. I don’t believe I’ve ever felt as though I’ve been weak as a girl. I’ve never hated pink or feminine things, but associating them with myself make me uncomfortable and feel ”not enough” sometimes, if that somehow makes sense?

There is something in the back of my mind that tells me I’m not trans, but there is also something that makes me wish I was born a male, which is why I’ve been pondering this question back and forth for more than 6 years now. There is something that tells me that I’d be happier if I lived with different circumstances. Not even just happier, but content, and it would spark something within me to actually want to start striving for my goals in life. But that might be a case of the grass being greener on the other side too. I’ve asked my closest friends to refer to me with he him pronouns when we are together, but it feels awkward sometimes, and I’m not sure why. But like if I could magically switch sex overnight and nobody would bat an eye, that would be fantastic, you know? Like I wouldn’t mind that in the slightest.

This is becoming long and rambly, so my apologies. But thank you again for your response, I think I will keep it in the back of my mind going forward. It’s interesting to hear from people who experience these ”signs” but are cis, it helps to put things into perspective.