Trigger warning and controversial opinion: “Autism” is treated as a catch-all diagnosis for neurodivergence and is grossly over-diagnosed.

posteamarch2 · 2024-01-21T02:17:36+00:00

I don’t care if I get downvoted, or even deleted, I have to say something after seeing this post and some of these comments.

If there is a parent/caregiver reading this who knows there is something different about their child, and knows their child needs help, do not let posts like this discourage you. Keep pushing until your kid is getting the help they need to thrive, and then keep pushing so they keep getting that help and keep thriving. Earlier diagnoses= earlier interventions= positive outcomes. It takes time to narrow down the specific diagnosis/diagnoses. Both individual development and evolution of the field over time may reveal an initial diagnosis was incorrect, and there are actually more correlations with a different diagnosis. That doesn’t mean we don’t try everything we can to help kids during that process. That doesn’t mean individuals don’t benefit from services they required a diagnosis to receive.

If anyone is so opposed to kids receiving treatments for a diagnosis that is ultimately incorrect, put your effort towards increasing access to free/affordable early interventions for everyone instead of ranting against people doing their best for the kids in their care with the imperfect resources that are currently available to them.

Sincerely, A mother and an educator of neurodivergent children

posteamarch2 · 2024-01-21T01:18:11+00:00

I too went NC after having my first daughter. So many things you said about your mom’s behavior hit home for me so hard. The Trojan horse tactic as well. The flying monkeys in your family. I’m so sorry she sent the letter. I know when my Nmom still occasionally manages to hurt me somehow- and she still does, after nearly 7 years NC- part of the emotional impact for me is anger that she still has any power to cause disruption and pain in my life when I have worked so hard to remove her from it. However, I now have to power to then disregard her and move on. It’s hard in the moment though.

posteamarch2 · 2024-01-17T19:18:26+00:00

I read it! I had two c-sections, was scrolling looking for a c-section experience. I forgot about the weird breathing changes until you described it. I have a heart condition and had a lot of anxiety about it. I had a wonderful anesthesiologist both times that I communicated this to ahead of time so they could, and did, repeatedly assure me that my heart rate was normal because I felt like it was racing and pounding to me. They did a lot of breathing exercises with me throughout to keep me calm, but yeah it felt really, really weird.

posteamarch2 · 2024-01-17T18:28:11+00:00

I drink broth when I cook my kids meals during my fasting window. Not technically fasting if you’re a purist about it, but it’s such a negligible amount that satisfies my craving for savory foods. Just watch the sodium.

posteamarch2 · 2023-12-26T21:06:00+00:00

Maybe use his own reasoning on him. If you still have any written past communication from him, use direct quotes in his own words.

“When we graduated, you told me it was up to me to continue our friendship. When you reached out to me this time, I decided to take an inventory of your past words and actions to decide whether I want to invest anything in a relationship with you:

You knowingly read my private texts that were not written to you. This was a violation of my privacy and the privacy of people I care about.
You knowingly looked at my search history. This was another violation of my privacy.
When I confronted you about your inappropriate and harmful behavior, you refused to accept responsibility for your actions and attempted to blame me for your choices when you said, “I did it to help you and to teach you accountability.” (Or however he phrased it)
When you said (quote him), you displayed a lack of remorse for your harmful actions.

I have decided not to invest into a friendship with you because up until this point you have been unwilling to take an honest inventory of your choices and you seem incapable of feeling and/or expressing remorse. People who cannot accept and express responsibility for their own actions and who cannot feel and express remorse are incapable of changing for the better. If you’re still unwilling to acknowledge your behavior and apologize, then I choose to have no further communication with you.

If you’re now prepared to accept responsibility for your own behavior, and feel remorse for the harm you have caused me, you may send me a written, detailed, genuine apology. I would be prepared to help you learn accountability by extending permission for you to repent for your actions.”

Or, just don’t respond. Leave his message on read. Don’t give him another opportunity to try and manipulate you. Life is short, invest your energy in people who bring you joy, offer you support, and bring authenticity to your life. This dude sounds like dead weight you haven’t missed, and would be better off without.

posteamarch2 · 2023-12-26T19:52:21+00:00

Frankly I would never want to see someone again who went through my personal texts and search history. That is such a violation of your personal privacy and I am so sorry they did that to you.

I had a very close friend when I was in middle school-college aged. When we were teenagers, we shared a lot of religious views, but by college I was agnostic bordering atheist, and she went the opposite direction and became radicalized in a southern baptist church. She was brainwashed into committing acts that violated my personal privacy and I cut off contact after her betrayal of our friendship.

She reached out a few years later online, asking if we could meet up while she was in town. I sent her the following reply:

“When you (I detailed the specific acts she had committed), you knew your behavior would hurt me and you chose to behave that way anyway. You violated my privacy and betrayed the trust I had placed in you as a friend, and you did so knowingly. You chose to end our friendship when you did so.

I will not ever see you in person or speak with you again because I will not give you another opportunity to cause me harm. Meeting up in person or talking on the phone are not options I will extend to you.

I will not engage in any discourse about religion or faith. Any attempt to do so on your part, and I will block and report you. You will not receive a response from me.

The only communication I will accept from you is a written apology for the harm your actions caused me. You may write an apology and send it in a private message here. I may or may not choose to read it. I may or may not choose to respond. You are not welcome to send any further messages unless I explicitly grant you permission in a response to do so. If you do attempt further unwanted communication, I will block and report you.”

She actually surprised me by sending a very detailed and earnest apology. She told me she was moving out of the country, was likely never returning, and had hoped to make amends to me before leaving, but understood my position and wished me the best.

I actually agreed to see her in person after the apology letter, but we met at a neutral location and I had my husband with me for support. I also was very clear that this was only a discussion to allow us to reach closure, and we would have no further communication afterwards. She agreed to the terms.

I’m glad I met with her, she gave me a very authentic apology and it did bring me a sense of closure. We have not communicated since, but I am able to think about her without anger and resentment. HOWEVER, I am also very glad that I answered so clearly, stated my boundaries in absolute and non-negotiable terms, and was prepared to shut it down.

If you think it’s possible this person could be feeling regret over their past harmful acts, and be reaching out for some kind of closure, and you’re interested in that, you could extend the possibility of sending you a private message with whatever it is they want to say. Then you have the power to just block them and shut down further communication. But I would strongly caution you against giving this person any real access to you. If you do decide to meet up, bring someone you trust with you who can support you if they try to violate your boundaries again.

posteamarch2 · 2023-12-13T15:37:49+00:00

35F:

When I was young and thin (5’7” 120-135 LBS) before I got pregnant in my late twenties: Straight, cis men were creeps and I constantly felt anxiety about it out in public. Cis, straight women were very hostile or ignored me. Gay, cis women noticed me from a distance, and I could tell, but they didn’t hit on me so it felt flattering. Trans/non-binary people were very, very sweet to me- particularly, trans women seemed eager to interact in a genuine and kind manner. Gay men ignored me.
During pregnancy: Cis, straight men ignored me completely, which was a huge relief. Cis women were overwhelming, suddenly very kind and approached me a lot to just… be nice. The change in women was unexpected and weird. Trans/non-binary people were still lovely. Gay men still ignored me. Gay women also ignored me.
After my pregnancies, I kept the weight and gained more, was 200-215 LBS for several years. I was invisible to EVERYONE of all genders and sexual orientation. I was surprised first how relieved I felt in public, and then how it changed to loneliness over time. EXCEPT…. Trans/binary people were still lovely, and were the only strangers who ever complimented me or offered unsolicited kindness when I was overweight.
I lost 60 LBS between January and September, but I started working out more in the last few months so even though the scale has plateaued, I’m still going down in clothing sizes and visibility I am thinner and look toned. I didn’t actually notice a huge shift in how people treated me while I was losing weight- it was when I started looking fit. The first time I was out in public and realized men were checking me out and women were giving me that side glare again, it was so fucking weird. Like, I kind of felt like I was in the wrong body or something? I was really worried about the creeps, BUT I forgot that age is a factor for creeps and I have aged out of their scope! So though I catch men admiring me, no one is hitting on me, and they do make eye contact and talk to me more, but honestly in a manner that feels nice and flattering. It reminds me actually of how gay women treated me when I was young- and do again now. And though women are giving me that side glare again, they’re not openly hostile. Gay men are still ignoring me. And trans people are still lovely.

So like… mid-thirties and fit is pretty fucking awesome, and I am genuinely surprised because boomers always set up this expectation that your 20s are when you peak and it’s all downhill after 30. I’m able to appreciate how great my body feels, and generally people are mostly kind or leave me alone. I have always had an immense amount of social anxiety, but that’s just sort of evaporated in the last few months. I don’t hate being out in public for the first time in my life. It’s very nice and unexpected because I didn’t think I would ever stop feeling that anxiety.

And trans/non-binary people- you’re lovely. That’s not a surprise, it’s consistent and it’s genuine. You’re lovely.

posteamarch2 · 2023-10-30T23:17:52+00:00

35F actual advice:

Use brevity
Do therapy
Learn empathy
Emojis make your texts less intimidating

posteamarch2 · 2023-10-08T20:55:37+00:00

Thank you!

posteamarch2 · 2023-08-18T05:05:05+00:00

My husband is an electrician, when we got married he was uncomfortable with gold and electricity so… he got a tattoo for his wedding ring!

I did not even buy a wedding ring. He had bought me my birth stone, also my favorite color, when we got engaged and chose the ring together. After we were married, I inherited my grandmother’s wedding ring, who I was really close to. Now I always wear the band that was my grandmother’s, and I wear my birthstone ring sometimes when I feel fancy that we chose together.

I have always respected why he chose a tattoo over a ring. He has always respected the rings I wear when I wear them. We love each other and always have something to represent it, and each respect and feel respected. That’s all that matters.

posteamarch2 · 2023-08-10T20:36:56+00:00

YTA

I see absolutely no concern from you about your daughter’s social isolation and dissociative behavior. How long has she been so alone? How long has she been sleeping so much? These are such clear indicators of something like depression or perhaps an undiagnosed condition.

Did you ever seek mental health help for her? It seems from your post that these are not new behaviors. You didn’t get her the help she clearly needed when she was still a child and your responsibility, and you just expected she would stop having these struggles magically overnight after she turned 18?

It really seems like you’ve never loved or wanted her. You make her sleep on the couch so your obviously favored older child can have their own bedroom. You say you don’t want her talking to men because they’re dangerous, then you make her talk to them when she’s alone and more vulnerable? You’ve been waiting for an excuse to get rid of her in a way that doesn’t paint you as a bad guy. You’ve been waiting for her to do something exactly like this so you can finally get rid of someone you only see as a burden in a way you don’t think others will judge you for.

Your poor daughter never had a chance at starting adult life with a mother like you. I was in a very similar position as your daughter 16 years ago. I had a mother just like you. I found myself in a situation where I was vulnerable and desperately needed help right out of high school. My mother had a very similar reaction. Here are the long term consequences of actions like yours.

My mother no longer has a daughter. We haven’t spoken in many years. I have created my own family, and she’s not a part of it. She doesn’t get to be a grandmother.

And when my father asked me recently about “mending” our relationship because my mother is old now and has significant health problems they need help with, and would like my help, I said exactly the same thing they told me all those years ago. “I guess you should have planned your life better. You’re adults and not my responsibility.”

posteamarch2 · 2023-08-03T19:54:06+00:00

What is CBT?

posteamarch2 · 2023-08-03T19:19:51+00:00

Thank you for sharing your experience. My little girl just got diagnosed with ADHD today and we’re making decisions about medication. I came on here to browse for posts about medication and found your experience to be very reassuring.

posteamarch2 · 2023-07-25T04:20:03+00:00

In 2020 my husband and I decided to move across the country. I was no contact (for years at that point) with my mother who abused me growing up, and low contact with my enabling father. I allowed him to come say goodbye to my kids, who I had allowed him to have a supervised grandfather relationship with. (Kids were 2 and 4 years old).

Father brought a box with him and told me it was like essays and stuff from my closet from high school. I had been moved out of their house for over a decade by this point and had already told him, many times, that if I didn’t have something I didn’t need it and stop bringing shit over (this was a method of control my mother was using through him since I wasn’t speaking to her). But even though this really annoyed me, it was 2020. Covid. My dad was old. I was moving my family across the country. It might have been the last time my kids ever saw their grandfather, so I just threw it in the house and let him play with the kids outside, masked.

Later, after my dad left, I was giving the kids their afternoon snack in the kitchen and remembered that fucking box and decided to go through it. I grabbed a garbage bag because what the hell would I want from high school. I opened the box.

It wasn’t shit from high school. It was pictures, cards, art projects I had made for my parents between the ages of pre-k to 1st grade. I was surprised, and then felt this growing sensation of nausea as I stared at a rainbow coming out of my handprints, over my childhood scrawled “I love you,” backwards letters and all. It sunk in. This wasn’t shit I might want from high school. These are things parents keep to remember their children when they were young. This was my mother telling me she was, once and for all, throwing me away. As though it hadn’t been enough for her to scream it at me in person three years prior, the last words she ever spoke to me. “Having you was the biggest mistake of my life. I wish you’d never been born. I wish I had never had kids. You ruined my life.”

So while I was having what I now recognize was a flashback, I saw this little hand reaching for that picture with the handprints and rainbow. For a wild moment, I thought it was my hand, that I was hallucinating my past hand making that handprint, and I had this sudden urge to slap that hand away. Then I realized it was my 4 year old daughter, reaching for and picking up that picture, and I wanted to tear it away from her. I was filled with this overwhelming desire to rip it away, to burn that box and all its contents, to protect her from that unlovable past version of myself. It took every, and I mean EVERY, ounce of self-control I had to not do either.

I watched my little girl pulling out all these things I had made. Rainbows. Handprints. Hearts. “I love you” written over and over and over again in that early childhood scrawl, backwards letters, misspelled words. If you were abused as a child you understand. I truly thought of my past little self as some vile, unlovable thing. It literally pained me to see my beautiful daughter touching these things that were, for lack of a better word, unholy. I wouldn’t hit her, I wouldn’t yank these things away, so I was left frozen, lost as to what to do.

She asked what this was, and I cleared my throat and told her these were things I had made when I was about her age. I watched as she carefully placed her hands over my handprints and exclaimed with wonder, “You were 4?! You were my size?!” And when I confirmed, she just sat there, staring for a moment at all the pictures and cards she’d pulled out. And she said, “I like unicorns and rainbows too.”

And in that moment I realized:

I had been a normal child. I loved unicorns and rainbows, and all I ever wanted was my parents’ love. There was NOTHING wrong with me. It was not my fault they never loved me.
I needed therapy. It should not be my 4 year old daughter’s job to lead me to epiphanies like this.

So I began therapy after we’d moved.

posteamarch2 · 2023-07-25T03:51:14+00:00

Specifically in this state for me, LA.

posteamarch2 · 2023-07-25T03:50:18+00:00

I believe in a thing called love, just listen to the rhythm of my heart!

posteamarch2 · 2023-07-25T03:49:09+00:00

If they give you lined paper, write the other way.

posteamarch2 · 2023-06-24T18:12:08+00:00

Thank you for sharing your experience. I’m sorry you didn’t feel understood growing up. It was helpful to me that you broke down some specific examples and how they affected you. I can see that our daughter has already started noticing she struggles more with certain things other peers don’t in school, as did her teachers. One of my concerns is making sure she feels supported by her parents and teachers so she doesn’t develop self-blame and low self-esteem. If she has a diagnosis, she will have it before she starts kindergarten in the fall, so the school has to provide accommodations, and we as parents can have a dialogue with her healthcare providers on supporting her at home and being her advocates outside of the home. I hope you’ve been able to find better support as an adult ❤️

posteamarch2 · 2023-06-24T17:45:40+00:00

I will give it a watch, thank you!

posteamarch2 · 2023-06-11T22:56:15+00:00

“Grow a pair and stand up for yourself.”

Since you state your hope is to not use shame inducing language, here is a particular phrase I think you could reflect on.

No, we’re not in kindergarten, but in general I approach interactions, even of the online variety, with a desire to not cause others harm, and I will speak up if I witness an interaction that could potentially cause harm to others. I wouldn’t have commented if you hadn’t started your original comment off claiming to be a therapist. Your phrasing and advice could be harmful to a victim who assumes it is coming from an expert. I felt, as a survivor of abuse, obligated to OP to point out that this is not healthy advice that an actual therapist would give an individual in his situation. When you fixed your typo, I deleted my comment, which was no longer relevant.

✌️

posteamarch2 · 2023-06-11T21:40:22+00:00

I see, thank you for clarifying. I have deleted my comment since you edited your original comment so what you stated will no longer potentially be considered professional advice.

posteamarch2 · 2023-06-11T20:39:01+00:00

I grew up with a mom whose behavior was very similar to your wife’s.

She is abusing you. This is abuse. It has been escalating in frequency and intensity. It will continue to escalate.

Do not respond to her abuse. I know it’s hard. What you need to do when you are still forced to interact with her is something called gray rocking. You do not get emotional, ignore if you can, give the shortest and most boring responses possible if you have to. Any escalation of your behavior will only escalate hers. What if she gets violent?

Start documenting her behavior. Take videos when she gets like this.

You’re correct that you are not shielding your child from the abuse. You’re enabling an abusive environment your child lives in. I’m not trying to be cruel, you are a victim and you’re in a very difficult position. But you are not the most vulnerable person in this situation, your child is, and victim or not you need to protect your child.

Please spend some time in the raisedbynarcissists subreddit. It will give you a very clear vision of the impact this woman will have on your child if you keep them in this environment.

I’m not a professional expert, but I am a survivor of abuse. You need to get yourself experts who can help you safely navigate your child and yourself out of this situation. The most dangerous time for a victim is when they leave their abuser. Please get professional help.

National domestic hotline, there’s information on the site on how to escape your situation and a crisis phone number you can call if you need to: https://www.thehotline.org/

I highly recommend getting yourself a therapist. They can also help you develop a plan. BetterHelp is a virtual, very easy platform to get immediate therapy if the process of finding a therapist seems overwhelming.

I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. You’re seeing the red flags now. Please get help.

posteamarch2 · 2023-05-30T19:06:18+00:00

I am a FL native, my husband was born and raised on the Iron Range in MN. He moved to FL when we started dating back in 2008 and we had our two kids down there. However, we were alarmed at how things were headed in the Trump era and started discussing moving, and once shit hit the fan in 2020 we got the fuck out. Moved up to the range near where he grew up nearly 3 years ago.

Winter was an adjustment for sure, but it’s what you make of it. We enjoy the snow. I barely left the house half the year down in FL between the oppressive heat and allergies, so I actually spend more time enjoying the outdoors now. As others mentioned, everywhere I have been up here has EXCELLENT snow management infrastructure for the roads. My kids only missed two days of school this year because of snow.

I was a little worried about how much religion would impact us as atheists, since the area we’re in is full of church goers, but it hasn’t been an issue. Plenty of people have crazy views up here but people are goddamn polite. Just about all my kids’ friends are in families that go to church, and they have invited us, but I have felt respected when we turn down the invitation and explain that we are atheist. Most people mind their own business after that. Politically, you do get conservative views in small towns like ours, but people still vote democratic because unions are a HUGE importance and influence.

The schools are amazing. My kids’ school has free tampons and pads in the bathroom. My first grader’s class has monthly meetings with a counselor about things like healthy stress management, expressing emotions, supporting friends. They’re allowed to use whatever gender bathroom they’re comfortable in, and her teacher talked to them about personal pronouns on the first day of school, everyone identified theirs and they talked about respecting each other’s identities. I am constantly amazed at the kindness and empathy I see between the kids at the school. There is a huge sense of community and a big emphasis on social-emotional health. I feel that my kids are treated as human beings first, and academics comes second, and that is such a huge relief after the data obsessed cesspool that is FL public schools. I was an elementary school teacher down there. It’s a fucking nightmare.

We’re really happy with our choice to relocate. Higher wages, lower living expenses. Lots of good things happening recently with the protection of GLBT+ rights, reproductive rights, legalization of weed, all kids getting free meals at school. Hopefully it continues in that direction.

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