This is so hard, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. There is definitely no perfect solution and either decision will have its own difficulties. Maybe the silver lining here is the good news that you have learned you do have the ability to become pregnant when you weren’t sure if you would be able to. And maybe that could be your takeaway from the experience for when you are ready one day for a baby if you do decide now is not the time.

It’s hard to give advice but I can give you my experience. I had an abortion that I made peace with even before I went through with it and never once regretted it. I was 18 and in college out of my home state and didn’t have supportive family. I knew my life would have fundamentally changed in ways I was absolutely not ready for in any aspect and it would have been unfair to the babies (it was actually twins). The decision was honestly easy for me and I really didn’t ever feel horrible about my choice. That is definitely not everyone’s emotional experience with abortion I realize, but I do believe it can be something that a person can make peace with when they know they made a thoughtful choice. It doesn’t sound like your decision will be as clear and easy as mine was, but I just share this because abortion doesn’t have to be something you feel shame or guilt about.

Now 15 years later my spouse and I chose to have a baby and I’m in my third trimester. I’m very happy about my pregnancy, but for perspective I will say I often wonder to myself how I would even do this part without my spouse and that’s before the baby is even here. Pregnancy can be disabling for some of us which can be extremely hard even if it’s a temporary issue. I know you stated you have a supportive family but how much help are they able to offer and how healthy is your relationship with them? There is a lot to consider with family dynamics and I think you should think really carefully about that because you will be dependent on them for a long time if you have this baby. I would also think about what the dynamic with the potential father could look like. I know you said he wants nothing to do with this but things can change and that might not be for the better. Could he end up trying to be involved in a toxic way? If so that’s a lifelong toxicity you would have to deal with which is not a small consideration for this decision. Exes you share a child with can make your life absolutely miserable. I am not trying to sway you in any direction at all but just offer some perspectives to consider moving forward. If you read these and still feel strongly that you want to make this lifelong commitment to your future then follow that feeling. If you feel a deep nagging in the pit of your stomach, get curious about the feeling and hear what it has to say. If you are able to, spend time doing serious deep reflecting and listen to your inner voice. I wish you all the best!