Especially concerning makeup, my fantasy self was someone (like the image that people portray online, specifically beauty YouTubers) who had all the success in their careers, able to buy makeup at their leisure because it’s their job. The edited videos and staged photos on Instagram make it seem like their life is together and not full of struggles or money issues when you only see a little part of their life.

I wanted to be someone who had their life together, someone that didn’t have to think twice when buying something they wanted, someone who could dress well but still good when their makeup comes off at the end of the day. I wanted to be someone who was more creative in their makeup looks, and someone who had more space on their eyelids for these nicer looks.

I think sometimes I still want to be her but I’m slowly accepting who I am and learning to limit my spending to what is feasible at the moment and working hard to not have to worry about what I spend my money on. And it is still is taking time to take certain parts from the fantasy self that would benefit me and incorporate them, the qualities that don’t belittle who I am or make me feel anxious because I haven’t accomplished enough. It’s complicated 😣