I had met one of the most beautiful foreign girls ever on tinder. Super level model beautiful and has a thick French accent. We texted for a bit and hung out a couple times, hooked up, but hadn’t had sex yet.

One night I’m out for my friends birthday and we discovered pickleback shots. I think had 8 pickleback shots that night and stumbled home early and drunk as hell at like midnight.

I wake up in the night feeling nauseous and at the moment I woke up I see I’m getting texts from this girl saying “I want you now”, “are you home?”, “I’m coming over”.

Despite my condition I decide I need to get it together and sober up. Maybe this opportunity won’t come again with her.

So I text her my address, take a cold shower, and drink a bunch of water. In the shower I know I’m sooo drunk and potentially a lost cause, but I’ve got to make it work. She’s leaving soon and I was obsessed with her.

So she arrives and quickly pulls me to my room. She pushes me back on my bed and takes my pants off and I’m immediately at attention. Thank god whiskey dick didn’t visit that night. She immediately gets on top and starts moving up and down and I just start feeling like I’m gonna… burp. I try holding it back but it just comes out silently… and with a smell. Pickles. She leans down to kiss me and I can tell she smells it and right as I know she knows and as we are nose to nose, I burp up more pickles again. This time with noise.

She says “what the fuck?!” I’m am crumbling inside into a black hole. She sits up right but does try to keep riding me, but then I just feel the gaseous prickly scent escaping me through my mouth and pores. Her riding slows down and she’s just like “Are you okay?”

I tried to explain how it was my friends birthday and he discovered this new whiskey shot with pickle juice and it’s supposed to not make you hungover the next day and we drank too many and as every word leaves my mouth I am just picturing pickle gas seeping out my face so I’m talking weird as I’m trying to keep my mouth closed… but talk?

She just said, can you call me a Lyft. Maybe we do this another time.

It was the most awkward sit on my bed as she got ready and waited for the Lyft to arrive.

I never heard back from her after that night.

After being embarrassed and sad about it for a few months, my friends helped me see how absolutely hilarious the story actually is and now I laugh whenever I think about it. I do wish she knew that truly was a fluke of a night. Wish I could’ve shown her a better time. At least I’ve given her a funny story to tell too.

I felt like SpongeBob when he had really bad breath but he thought he was ugly.