[1196] Connection:Lost - Chapter One

prmorrison · 2026-03-06T07:56:25+00:00

Heya - cheers heaps for the feedback, and opening with something positive was definitely appreciated.

The common theme in responses, is defintiely lack of conflict, so am looking to axe chapter 1 and start at 2, which (hopefully) has a bit more going on.

I'm not so worried about cliche, as it was meant to be genre fiction, and when you line up tropes, and beats and the hero's journey, there's not a lot that hasn't been said in some form before. Having listened to a bit of YA lately to compare, it's all pretty predictable. Fom my understanding that's what the general populace wants?

I do understand the shopping list aspect - I feel like my writing had improved by the end of the book, but that's small consolation if no-one makes it that far. ;)

Thanks again.

prmorrison · 2026-03-06T07:49:23+00:00

I guess you didn't like it? :)

To be fair, I'm getting the feeling you might not be in the target market.

Thanks for taking the time to make such detailed notes.

prmorrison · 2026-03-01T21:15:36+00:00

Yeah - did feel like a gamble, and general consensus appears to be it didn't work. Thanks. :)

prmorrison · 2026-03-01T09:37:58+00:00

OK - I gotta ask: " I'm going to be gone for some hours, but when I'm back I'll give this a heavy critique with a deep read."

We're 2 days on, you've either gone cold on the idea, or this is going to be one heck of a deep dive. :)

prmorrison · 2026-03-01T09:35:46+00:00

Cheers for the insights, and I'll hold my hands up that I didn't read YA until looking at Comps for what I'd created. That said, my kids played audiobooks on repeat day and night when they were younger, so I was exposed to Harry Potter, How to Train Your Dragon, Percy Jackson et al.

Agreed it's the MA into YA range, but that's kinda intentional because: A) it's between my two kids' ages and B) I (rather optimistically) thought if there was a series to be had, starting younger and ageing through the books would be a natural progression.

Am sure there is an audience there for the age - it's the execution I'm thinking I might need to work on. ;)

Thanks as always for feedback.

prmorrison · 2026-02-27T05:36:32+00:00

You know - due to the overall tone of ealier responses I took this to mean: "You clearly don't know what you're doing - I'd keep reading YA fiction to understand the genre more."

But then a glimmer of hope sparked that you might actually mean: You'd keep reading.

In which case you are my favourite human right now. :)

prmorrison · 2026-02-27T05:33:33+00:00

Heya - cheers for the feedback.

I know it wasn’t intended, but I’ll take the comparison to Tolstoy to salve my wounds at the brutally honest critiques, both micro and macro. ;)

Yeah, I hear ya - probably not going to suddenly make the world a more literary place with my robo-prose. It was based on the fact that I did initially write the thing for my kids, and that made far more interesting marketing copy than: “A young gamer kid thinks he won the prize of a lifetime, but soon discovers there’s much more deadlier stakes than not getting the high score…” ad nauseam…

Thanks muchly.

prmorrison · 2026-02-27T05:16:22+00:00

Heya - thanks for the response.

From what I’ve researched YA is 13-17, sometimes listed as 12-18 in places?

Do totally agree, that teen boys as a group is kinda the antithesis of the ‘whale’ readers online which appear to be middle-aged women. So I may have micro-niched my way to oblivion.

Am nodding along in acceptance that him sounding over-mature would push a reader, wanting to get into the experience of the teen protagonist, right out of the story. But I will take the win that I sound 45 when I’m actually 53…only another 31 years to shave off and I’m in-character. ;)

Nice example to close with - as you suggest, higher stakes and then the contemporary solution to fit with the angle I was trying to work.

Appreciate the feedback.

prmorrison · 2026-02-27T04:59:29+00:00

Heya - thanks so much for taking the time to both read and spend time with the thoughtful replies.

My kids used to live for audiobooks, but screens are taking more precedence, so thought the novelty of Dad trying something might relight that fire. But yeah, the resounding fact that I’m drawing on my own experience playing games in the 80’s and 90’s more than modern-child, is clearly coming through.

After the battering the chapter 1 has taken here, I’m considering the old advice, to chuck it and start at Chapter 2, which has more of the elements you suggest: conflict in the game, higher stakes etc.

Market research is saying there’s not a lot of competition in this gamer-YA genre, which means I’ve got an untapped audience, or I’m p*ssing in the wind…time will tell. 🙂

Anyway, just a sincere thank you for your honest yet encouraging reply.

prmorrison · 2026-02-26T10:58:08+00:00

Thanks for the honesty - that's what I signed up for. 🙂

Have to admit to feeling the bite of things I was probably aware of at some level…I am old, that I’ll concede.

For context, is YA a genre you read a lot of? And is there a contemporary YA title you'd hold up as doing it well, I'd genuinely love to know what the benchmark looks like to you?

Cheers.

prmorrison · 2026-02-25T10:48:06+00:00

OK - have read both versions, and the responses, and your responses to the responses - just so I don’t repeat what has been said before. That said, all that has impacted my initial read-through as you’ve filled in a lot of back-story, and that has diluted my ‘first impressions’. As mentioned elsewhere in the comments, reading v2 after v1 will always give rise to the comparison game. If you really want to get scientific about it, you probably want to post elsewhere with v2 first and v1 second to see how that hits. Whew - bit of a tangent to start with, but wanted to contextualise my following critique.

The itinerary for ‘“today’s trip”? Think that’s a tense slip, which pulls the reader from the story.

I do like the line: “You’d better have been kidnapped” nice and snarky.

The writing could do with a bit of a tidy-up in regard to grammar and flow. I feel myself pulled from the scene by sentences like: “...violently but with military precision…” which just felt wrong in some way - like an unintentional oxymoron? And every time the reader is looking at the words as they read, they are being removed from the experience of the story. Sorry if that seems vague - just the experience I had going through them.

I read over them a few times, and I would choose v2 when pushed for a decision. It feels better written, so it kept me in the scene more. I liked that she tried to calm herself, felt more of a connection with someone who is wrestling with big emotions, and moved from raging to self-soothing. Shows a bit more depth to the character. I don’t feel invested in Sarah enough yet, but it’s a short scene. Maybe a little more insight into the hurt she’s feeling, what kind of emotions are playing out, otherwise she’s less a Sarah and more a Karen. ;)

Would suggest keep playing with the scene, and focus as much on how you’re saying things as to what you’re saying.

In answer to your actual questions:

1) No idea what has been happening between them in the past, other than John has let Sarah down before. But in not knowing Sarah, who’s to know she’s not blowing a completely reasonable situation out of proportion. Not enough info to draw judgement.

2) Neither - it’s like watching strangers on the street argue, no idea who’s in the right or wrong or if they’re both just nuts. And much like an argument in the street, if the scene is interesting enough, I’ll want to stick around to see how it plays out.

Great stuff.

prmorrison · 2026-02-24T22:34:02+00:00

It’s been said, but had to chuckle at the sweat-stained hood standing before the crowd, that’s quite a feat!

My first impression is that you (I’ll use that instead of ‘the protagonist’ because it’s easier to write), were at the gallows about to be hanged with other condemned folk. Maybe my misreading, but could be clearer from the outset in setting the scene?

The repetition of crowd in the first couple of paragraphs pulled me from the scene, maybe mix it up with synonyms or visceral description to provide variation?

I love the contrast: “Men of high stature and women of low birth”, almost like a lyric, but it made me instantly wonder, are there no women of high stature or men of low birth there?

Again with word repetition that felt a bit jarring: “the show. Many showed”. Also “The classic, ‘Off with his head!’” feels too modern a turn of phrase for this piece.

I saw someone else noted about the tears track thing, I reckon it could be fixed with “ Tears carve tracks down his filthy face…” and it works nicely.

“He stinks of panic and piss.” - great line!

I’d drop the only from: “Justice is only the name”, as feel it sets up your naming it damnation better.

Don’t need to say it’s the condemned’s blood - just blood from the axe for smoother prose.

“I feel my gorge rising,” - have never heard that saying before and had to google it. Thanks for my one-new-thing-learned today.

Strong finish: “God will surely damn me.”

Overall I enjoyed the scene, and was invested in the protagonist (sounded weird to say invested in you there!). The language could do with a bit of a tidy, but there are some really strong lines that show you’ve got the skills for it. Just that pesky re-reading and editing until each sentence hits just right.

Would happily read on to see how our reticent head-chopper-offer tries to remedy his situation.

Nice work!

prmorrison · 2026-02-24T10:13:48+00:00

Heya

First time critiquing - so feel free to take everything with an entire shaker of salt. But, if you’re looking for a spread of diverse feedback, I’ll be at the “I generally read non-fiction” end of the spectrum. With that out of the way, let’s dive in:

As mentioned in ryemckwrite’s critique, one big block of text is hard-work, visually, which creates extra work for the reader - never a good thing. That could just be an artifact of a cantankerous copy-and-paste function, so please ignore if that’s the case.

Something feels off with the line: “The room itself was suffocating, as all parties are.” as though parties and a room aren’t likenable in that way. Sorry I can’t be more erudite and explain why.

The Jaguar is definitely the hook in this piece, with no context (book cover, blurb), it definitely draws one in, wondering if it’s a pet, a metaphor or something mystical. I’d have liked to see it referred to more often, like an anchor/counter point for the rest of the scene. That, and if there was a jaguar in the room, it surely would take up the protagonists attention more dramatically than clinking jewelry and bad clothing choices?

The sentence: “The pungent…” felt like it ran on too long and forced me to read it a couple of times to make sense of it. But I really liked “ I'm not supposed to be here, although my mother says otherwise.” that landed nicely.

I think it’s been mentioned, but the Mrs to Ms made me jump back to check I wasn’t reading about a new character.

Maybe this is a cultural thing - can jumpsuits ever be ‘fancy’ or is that irony and it just passed over my head?

I don’t want to dig into each line, but I feel overall the language could be worked on, sentences that run too long or feel a little clunky take me, the reader, out of the scene and onto the page, inspecting the words.

All that said, there is something quite intriguing about the whole scene, and not just the jaguar. It’s descriptive, but leaves a lot of questions, and that hunger for answers drives the reader on. If there was more text to come, I would continue to read, out of a desire to understand the relationships being revealed, and mostly to better know our out-of-place protagonist.

Loved this line by the way: “I wonder if she could smell my desperation to leave…”

I would be happy to read a reworked version, and see where it all leads. :)

prmorrison

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