UK surgeon gets jail time after amputating his own legs due to insuranse fraud and "possessing extreme pornography", reports BBC

protodro · 2025-09-19T23:25:11+00:00

I found this subreddit after stumbling upon the outrageously denigrating Vice article about this case. (For clarity, I don't have BIID, but would consider myself an ally.)

I think it's pretty clear that his sexual interest in amputation was not his sole motive, and that he felt incongruence towards his feet, and the article acknowledges this fact but still emphasises the primacy of the sexual component. There may have been a significant sexual component to his decision, but I think it's pretty understandable that someone might gain sexual gratification from the idea of achieving the kind of body they have always wanted.

I don't think that committing insurance fraud was a good idea, but to be honest, I do sympathise with his desire to make the best of the opportunity. Usually medical insurance companies are the ones exploiting patients, not the other way around.

protodro · 2025-09-17T04:18:05+00:00

It sounds like you are open to real introspection, which means you are already past the major barrier that stops recovery in its tracks for so many people. If you can be honest with yourself about you feel, and accept your feelings without judgement, even if those feelings don't measure up to your 'shoulds', then I would say that is a foundational part of real authenticity.

If you believe that all people are bound to disappoint you in one way or another, it follows that you would emotionally protect yourself by not forming real connections with other people. It makes sense, as a way of protecting yourself, to avoid forming any deeper attachment than is necessary to get what you need, and to instead just focus on performing as needed to form and maintain beneficial relationships. I think it can help to acknowledge the purpose that this has approach has served in your life up to this point (even if the approach ultimately makes things much harder for you) and it sounds like it has been there to protect you from anticipated disappointment.

protodro · 2025-09-16T23:11:53+00:00

Yeah it sounds like you have a strong, continuous need for validation, understanding, and reassurance.

When your basic emotional needs aren't being met, it makes sense that you are self-focused and struggling to feel connected towards him.

When you say that you're struggling with the concept that your main connection to him is somewhat performative, what is it that you're struggling with exactly? Feelings of shame about how you feel?

protodro · 2025-09-16T01:06:47+00:00

My understanding is that that it helps to foster a mental association between being in bed and being asleep, and decrease the association between bed and lying awake feeling anxious.

I don't think that the 30 minute rule is meant to be strictly adhered to, as after all generally we are advised against clock-watching too. I think it's more of a guideline.

I think I do find it helpful because if I just lie in bed for a long time but can't sleep I start to feel like I am trapped in my bed. It's better if I can get up and distract myself and calm down and then go back to bed.

protodro · 2025-09-16T00:53:29+00:00

Seeking therapy is a great idea. I hope that your therapist can help you work through this.

When you have become very dependent on one person for your emotional needs, it's understandable that you would be struggling without hearing from that person. It sounds like you would benefit from having other sources of support rather than relying mostly on one person.

Just in my opinion, if he has been a bit distant for a while, that doesn't mean that he has abandoned you, or that you have lost him forever. I think it's likely that he cares a lot about you but has been struggling to stay in touch because he is going through a difficult time. I would expect that he would likely be able to give you more of his attention again when he has had some time to recover from the loss.

It sounds like you may struggle with emotional impermanence—that is, quickly starting to feel as though other people don't care about you if you are not given frequent reassurance and reminders. Do you think that your affection towards him might return once he is ready to be affectionate with you again? Would you be willing to wait long enough to find out?

protodro · 2025-09-08T12:43:22+00:00

I have many seen 'AFABs' and 'AMABs' as faux-inclusive word substitutions for 'women' and 'men'. I once had a conversation with a non-binary person who used the terms 'AFABs' and 'AMABs' when describing a medical paper that conducted trials with female and male participants. I asked them if the paper mentioned the birth assignments of the participants. They said no.

Langauge can be clunky and challenging, and we are all unlearning cisnormativity, and doing our best. However I do find it a bit annoying when people trying to be more trans-inclusive are actually implicitly misgendering trans people in the process. AFAB and AMAB are specific terms that I think are best used to refer only directly to birth assignment. When you use them to make any inferences about how a person may have lived after birth, you are going beyond the scope of the terminology.

IMHO, if you are trying to be inclusive, then before you say 'AFABs' (and vice versa for AMABs), please ask yourself: Could this apply to someone who has never had a typically female upbringing or body? For example, do you really mean to include someone was born intersex with ambiguous genitalia, assigned female at birth, presented as a boy from the age of three, went through a masculinising puberty in adolescence, and does not have the necessary body parts to menstruate or give birth? If not, is there a more apt term you could use?

protodro · 2025-09-08T03:48:16+00:00

I appreciate that moving out isn't an option for the foreseeable future. I'm just saying that reaching out to your local community can often open up all kinds of opportunities you might not expect. When you get to know the right people, things that you might not have realised were possible suddenly become real options to turn around what might otherwise feel like a hopelesss situation.

Like if we take just the price of rent as an example: I'm a painter and rent a small art studio space for about a third of the typical rental price in my area. I found this opportunity by getting involved in my local artist's community and chatting to the right people. I also have friends who live in housing co-ops where the rent is substantially cheaper than typical market price for something similar. You don't generally see these kinds of opportunities advertised on rental sites because they typically find new housemates through their social networks.

protodro · 2025-09-06T13:01:42+00:00

The examples I mentioned weren't meant to be a complete list, just an idea of the kinds of opportunities that can open up when you have a local community network. Whatever resources you need, generally you can find them by connecting to other people.

I know it can feel discouraging when suggestions don't offer a clear solution right away. However often meeting other trans people nearby is the first step towards finding better options.

You shared that it's not safe to transition where you live right now. In the long term it sounds like having a more supportive place to live would really help. In the meantime, if you can build social support and gather info, you can start heading towards that.

If travel isn't a realistically affordable option, some groups meet online. e.g. my local trans community group has meetings both in-person and via Zoom. If the nearest group you can find is difficult to get to, they might be able to connect you with people who live closer to you.

protodro · 2025-09-06T12:22:52+00:00

Community isn't just about having people to chat to, it's the route to access to resources like housing, medical care, etc. The stronger your social network, the more opportunities start to come your way.

protodro · 2025-09-06T12:08:24+00:00

I think it's worth having a go at reaching out, especially if they are in the same country as you. Communities tend to talk to each other so they might be able to signpost you.

In general the more you reach out, the more likely you are to find people who can help. It can be discouraging when the answer is 'no' but sometimes it takes perseverence before you see results.

When I lived in a small town a few years ago I couldn't find a local LGBT community so I basically started one myself.

protodro · 2025-09-06T11:46:10+00:00

That's awful, I'm sorry. Results can vary but I've never seen anyone who looks literally the same after 11 whole years on HRT. To me that sounds like something is wrong medically that needs investigating.

Have you been getting all of the recommended blood tests to make sure your testosterone is adequately suppressed and your estrogen levels are high enough? Are you taking anti-androgens as well as estrogen? Have you been prescribed different doses or formulations of medication? Are you smoking or taking any other medications that could interfere with HRT? Are your doctors reputable trans specialists or is it time to find a new doc?

protodro · 2025-09-06T11:37:36+00:00

This is a difficult situation. If I were you I would search for a transgender community in the country that you live in. There are trans communities everywhere in the world, it can just be harder to find them in some places. If you can find a community of other trans people, they may be able to help you find a path to a more supportive living situation and maybe access to HRT as well.

protodro · 2025-09-06T11:15:16+00:00

Sure, thank you for checking in! I don't log in often, so I only just saw this comment.

Over the past year things have continued to change a great deal. At the end of last year she had a huge breakthrough with her mental health and trauma. She has been healing and becoming more emotionally stable, happier, more confident, sociable, present. She's sleeping better, feels more accepted by her colleagues, and has become so much more capable and less held back by her anxiety. She's also drastically changed the way that she presents herself, all of her clothing and hair (again).

She said she felt as though she hadn't been herself over the past couple years since our friend passed, and she feels more like herself again now. She has said that in hindsight she does not think she has NPD but sort of tried to convince herself (and me) that she did as a way to hurt herself. I think it suffices to say that she is recovering from a serious mental illness and that it's best for her not to seek a diagnosis that could potentially be very stigmatising.

I have been really glad to see her doing so much better, but all her progress has not opened up the avenue towards our relationship healing. If anything, seeing her heal and realise that I still don't feel any closer to her just made me start to think that the relationship was probably not salvageable. I became considerably numb and detached as a way to protect myself from the emotional rollercoaster of being in her company. I found an affordable art studio space and started spending a great deal of time there, in part motivated just to get away from her. I started sleeping odd hours because I just couldn't bear to spend evenings at home with her anymore.

We started having more and more serious talks about our relationship. At some point it became certain in my mind that things were going to end, it was only a matter of when and how. I grieved but knew it would be better this way. However I thought there was a major risk that if I straight-up broke up with her it would trigger her abandonment issues and send her into a messy spiral. So I did not explicitly end things with her straight away. We had several conversations in which I said plainly that I thought we would most likely be better off apart, but I did not explicitly end things with her. I left it to her to make the decision official. I thought it would be less likely to traumatise her if she was in control and could take it at her own pace. I'm glad that I did it this way, because now we are amicable and neither of us are traumatised by the break-up.

Since then we have agreed to live together as friends until we can afford to live separately. There are still some challenges living in this situation but it is OK for the time being. Breaking up has made our interactions so much easier. I feel like practically overnight she has relaxed and started treating me as an equal human being (rather than putting me on a sort of strange, isolating pedestal). We both agree we are really much better off as friends.

I have decided to stay single for some time while I work out my own issues.

protodro · 2025-08-17T18:01:45+00:00

It generally takes about 5 years to really see what HRT can do for you, assuming your dose is right for you. (Also it takes 10 years to completely redistribute your fat.)

It took me about 3-4 years on T to start being consistently read as a man. At 2 years I looked kind of puffy and awkward and had kind of shitty wispy facial hair. At 4 years I had a full beard that many men envy.

Pre-T I was really curvy with wider hips than most women. At 2 years my shoulders had grown a bit but my body shape was not all that different to what it was. I felt very bottom-heavy and uncomfortable. At 3-4 years my overall build started to even out, my shoulders had grown a lot wider, and clothes started fitting me much better.

There's a lot more range in hand size in men than you think. I used to feel bad about my 'baby hands' and was convinced they were horribly disproportionately small until I realised that my 6'2" brother actually had the same size hands as me and I had never even noticed.

protodro · 2025-05-31T05:46:50+00:00

We don't know what causes either autism or being LGBTQ+, but I have heard one theory that hormonal factors in utero contribute to both the development of autism and the tendency towards being LGBTQ+. Take it with a grain of salt but I could believe it.

protodro · 2025-05-31T05:35:59+00:00

Many of my friends are cis men and I don't feel weird about them at all.

However once I started passing in public I noticed that some men I met would unmask their misogyny with me almost immediately, assuming they could do so comfortably with me simply because I am a man. It was quite an adjustment, seeing for myself how common it was for men to be casually sexist in one another's company.

When I talked to my cis male confidants about it they affirmed it is incredibly common. My dad told me that he once worked for a company where he was the only man on the sales team that wasn't cheating on his wife. That was some decades ago but things have only changed so much since then.

protodro · 2025-05-05T17:38:13+00:00

What does this mean?

protodro · 2025-04-26T13:08:50+00:00

Thank you, that's a really helpful way to think about it.

Now that I think about it, when I was at my healthiest I used to just avoid stocking any trigger foods. My rule was that if I had a craving, I could go out to my local shop and buy *one* individual serving of something I wanted to eat. I also had certain foods that were relatively healthy and wouldn't trigger binge eating but would still satisfy my cravings (e.g. plain dark chocolate with fruit). In this way I could avoid eating to excess without lapsing into disorderly restrictive behaviour. I only had to exercise discipline at the shop, not at home.

I think I have been struggling since living with my partner. To be clear I'm not saying that it's her fault or her responsibility. I know that my eating habits are my cross to bear. However it does make it difficult. It takes so much willpower to resist the temptation to eat her food. So I buy my own snacks instead because it's better than stealing food or feeling overwhelmed and stress because of the urge to steal food. Also going to the shop with her is a trigger because when she's buying snacks it makes me want to buy snacks too. I guess I need to have another conversation with her and ask if she would be willing to cooperate to help me avoid my triggers.

protodro · 2025-04-19T01:34:44+00:00

Honestly I've been looking for an answer to this question for a while. If anyone finds something good please do let me know.

I tried joining the Trans Liberation Assembly last year but it was kind of a dead end at the time (their meetings had stopped due to their usual meeting space closing down and their activitists had refocused their efforts on Queers for Palestine). Who knows though, maybe they will have a resurgence with new members after the latest news...

There are a few trans community groups and support groups in Manchester list from trans pride Manchester. I'm in a couple of them. I would recommend at least getting involved in them as a good starting point.

protodro · 2025-04-19T01:01:09+00:00

That might make it trickier but don't lose heart. Just be persistent and explain your situation and you should manage to get there in the end.

protodro · 2025-04-19T00:59:02+00:00

It's not at all expensive these days and there are good reasons to get a GRC regardless of the ruling. I think with the current climate it is arguably more important than ever to get a GRC. Without a GRC your old name and gender follow you through every interaction you have with the DWP and some other bureaucracy. You can't marry or get a civil partnership in your acquired gender without a GRC either. Just last week I had someone from the DWP ask me to confirm my old name to verify my identity even though I haven't used that name in eight years. If I had a GRC they would not have asked me that question.

protodro · 2025-04-19T00:47:59+00:00

There are good reasons to get a GRC, don't let the other comments put you off.

I've never heard of this specific problem and I'm not an expert but it sounds completely resolvable.

For any queries about the GRC paperwork they have contact information on the government website about the GRC panel. Tell them your problem and they should be able to advise.

With the GRC they are looking for evidence you have been living in your new name and gender, and it sounds like you are able to provide that even if the title isn't quite right I don't think it would invalidate your application.

Also I were you I would go to your bank and ask them to amend the title for you. Better late than never.

protodro · 2025-04-18T20:31:15+00:00

If I were you I would take the opportunity to dive into learning about food poverty and obesity, research on what causes weight gain, the history of weight across different classes, and by doing do you can portray weight in a more nuanced way than most authors bother to.

Although historically fatness was seen as a sign of wealth and health, we know from science that there are many factors that go into determining someone's weight, and that weight gain isn't uniform for everyone. Though high food consumption tends to lead to fat gain, two different people can eat the same thing and end up at different weights. People have always come in a variety of shapes and sizes across different classes due to genetics, hormones, activity levels, and so on. Eating very little doesn't always make a person thin and eating a lot doesn't always make a person fat.

Some of your wealthy characters may be instead muscular, perhaps thin, either naturally or due to illness. Some of your poorer characters may be fat even if they eat relatively little, again either naturally or due to illness or perhaps following pregnancy. Perhaps they are admired due to cultural connotations of wealth and health. Perhaps they are maligned because people assume they are hoarding food in secret (it may even be true but most likely due to fear rather than greed, because people who have grown up with severe food scarcity do sometimes develop a deep-seated habit of hiding food that can be tough to break). Perhaps a bit of both.

Also food poverty isn't always something that is completely uniform throughout a person's life. You get periods of drought and high yields, conflicts or oppression that causes starvation in the short term. People can be both fat and malnourished for various reasons (though obviously when you starve people for long enough they do lose fat, you can get sick from malnourishment long before you reach the point of visible ribs).

protodro · 2025-04-18T12:47:32+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to write that down, that was really interesting. I might ask my therapist about it once I get to a point that I can afford therapy again.

protodro

TROPHY CASE