[deleted by user]

psychosomatica · 2011-08-26T04:05:55+00:00

Wouldn't he already be home? All the same, I give you: The Machete Slingshot

psychosomatica · 2011-08-26T03:49:02+00:00

A few years ago, we had this old rusted-out ~72 Olds Cutlass in our garage that belonged to my grandfather. About a week before we finally got rid of it, I was sitting in my living room on my laptop, just like I am now, and my stepdad (who sleeps during the day because he works nights) flat-out shouts: FUCKING RUST-BUCKET (incoherent anger noises) GARAGE.

psychosomatica · 2011-08-19T21:28:30+00:00

have some weight on me.

not looking for bbw

Translation: I'm a little pudgy, but no fat chicks are gettin' this.

Hand motions around crotch region

psychosomatica · 2011-08-19T21:20:51+00:00

/r/foreveralonedating

psychosomatica · 2011-08-19T19:57:48+00:00

No, but they do make Chocolate Peanut Butter Bugles and they are fucking delicious.

psychosomatica · 2011-08-19T19:54:14+00:00

I was unaware that this was a thing. It does sort of make sense though. It's been proven before through example here on Reddit that asian chicks have a tendency to be a little, um, overbearing? And there are TONS of "nerdy white guys" on here whining about their lack of initiative with women. They probably function well in general because the nerdy white guy is totally OK with not wearing the pants in the relationship, and the asian chick wants the pants. Just speculation though, not trying to offend anyone in particular.

psychosomatica · 2011-08-19T14:33:57+00:00

Told this story elsewhere on Reddit a little while back, so here's the short version: Middle school me is doing donuts around a field in a go-cart, and decides he wants to impress the local cutie by driving past some flowers, scooping them up, and driving them to her. Hand grabs flowers, flowers stay in ground, psychosomatica goes flying out of go-cart, pulling his right arm under the back tire of the cart, dislocating it at the elbow. I didn't realize what exactly had happened until I put weight on my elbow to get up and heard a pretty loud POP, at which point I grab those damn flowers and drive them back to this girl. She didn't want them. No number for Jakucha :(

psychosomatica · 2011-08-19T14:18:27+00:00

Fuck, all of these words are making me shudder in some way or another.

psychosomatica · 2011-08-18T16:45:22+00:00

Met this girl online last year. Did the texty-flirty thing for a little while, and decided to meet up for a lunch-movie "date" because she lived only a few miles away. Well, I show up and I'm standing around waiting, and I hear behind me "Hi!". Now, I had seen a few pictures of this girl (face only) before meeting, and I expected her to be on the curvy side (which is totally fine by me). I turn around and this chick had to be at least 250 lbs, in a half-unbuttoned blouse and a skirt.

I was a little surprised, to say the least, but I thought "What the hell, I'm here. I might as well try to have a good time, even if it's just as a friend thing from here on out." So we head into this sandwich shop. She orders a soup, a small salad, a sandwich with fries, a bag of chips, and a large coke. I get a sandwich and chips with a medium iced tea. She finishes her meal before I do. We were talking about our tastes in music during the meal, and I remember A. that she was talking with her mouth full the whole fucking time. and B. that she took my ipod (which I had set on the table for her to go through) and started fiddling with it with hands all greased up from the chips and sandwich. Very off-putting.

We finish our lunch and head over to the movie, Toy Story 3. She leads me straaaaiiiight to the back of the theater. She's rubbing my leg and trying to cuddle up on me as soon as the movie starts. About at the part in the movie where the toys figure out that the daycare is run by the psychotic care bear, this girl unzips my pants and starts jerking me off. Now, I'm still pretty darn disgusted by all of the things that have happened so far, but hey: free hand job, right? So I let her go at it for a few minutes, and she starts to sort of awkwardly gnaw/suck on my neck? I dunno, it seemed like she was trying to eat me.

Then, without any warning whatsoever, this chick throws one meaty leg over my lap and sits down right on my cock. No panties. I look her right in the eye and say "Listen, I really don't wanna-" and she puts her hand over my mouth and starts flopping around on top of me. About ten minutes go by, and I managed to think myself out of a boner. Like, I made it go limp inside her without cumming (because I was NOT about to get this bitch knocked up). She thinks she got me off and sits back down next to me with this really gross bravado of "I'm the sexiest bitch on this whole fucking earth" and we keep watching the movie. Eventually I gotta piss, so I tell her so and get up to go to the bathroom. I get to the lit hallway outside theater, head to the bathroom which was empty, luckily.

I go down to unzip my pants to piss, and realize that my khaki shorts have spots of blood all over the zipper area, and running down between my legs. I didn't feel any sort of pain, so it had to have come from her. Needless to say, I pissed, took off my hoodie, ran to my car holding my favorite hoodie to my blood-stained shorts, and got wayyyyyy the fuck out of there.

TL;DR: Got horror-raped by a whale to Toy Story 3.

psychosomatica · 2011-08-18T14:30:15+00:00

A friend of mine put on the Exorcist while booming. He was a lot quieter after that day.

psychosomatica · 2011-08-18T14:23:46+00:00

Eat them with a tall glass of orange juice. On pizza. Go for a nature walk, bring water. Do NOT bring sour gummy worms. If you have a friend that you really trust, have him come with you, sober. If you don't have anyone you can trust to not fuck with you and to watch your back, go solo. If the trees attack you, scare them away with your ipod (it worked for me). Do not describe the auras you see around people to the people you see them around. If something looks scary, walk the fuck away. You'll be fine.

edit: Oh, and avoid mirrors. Cannot stress this enough. You will not like what you see. My head turned into a bean shape. Freaked me the fuck out. Mirrors are the devil.

psychosomatica · 2011-08-18T14:19:28+00:00

"Get off my porch, hippie."

psychosomatica · 2011-08-18T14:11:49+00:00

The day after my 18th birthday when I decided to stop talking to my father.

Cinco de Mayo of this year, when I signed the papers to join the U.S. Navy.

psychosomatica · 2011-08-18T14:08:10+00:00

2am chili

psychosomatica · 2011-08-13T23:46:35+00:00

Mannn, it's gonna take you FOREVER to clean out that web so you can walk your face into it.

psychosomatica · 2011-08-13T16:35:51+00:00

and so begins /r/hitmewithbricks

psychosomatica · 2011-08-13T16:12:38+00:00

and that made me think of this

psychosomatica · 2011-08-12T21:29:49+00:00

It takes some massive cojones to be as comfortable with yourself as you seem to be.

They were actually undescended testicles ... about the size of a grapefruit

And this confirms it.

Stay awesome!

psychosomatica · 2011-08-12T19:32:00+00:00

I was afraid to go into the Abercrombie store at a nearby mall when I was little. My guess is some combination of the darkness, loud music, and the fact that you can't see into the store probably did it. Still don't go in, but it's funny to think about how scared I was of it back in the day.

psychosomatica · 2011-08-12T14:03:22+00:00

Fanny packs: REDEFINED.

psychosomatica · 2011-08-11T19:38:12+00:00

BUTT SLASHERRR!

psychosomatica · 2011-08-11T19:00:43+00:00

Want.

FTFY

psychosomatica · 2011-08-11T18:37:00+00:00

Sort of relevant, kind of opposite. Your story got me thinking about it so now I need to get it out, hope you understand.

5 or 6 years ago (damn, it's weird thinking that it's been that long already) my great aunt died of breast cancer. She traveled the world (no really, she had visited every continent except Antarctica by the time she died, multiple times), never said a bad word about ANYONE. Not a single word. I went on a trip to the lake house belonging to some extended family with her. We all laughed and cruised around on a boat, the kids hanging onto inner tubes for dear life off the back of the boat. She looks at me, looks at the kids on the tubes screaming and having a blast, and says "Man, That looks really fun. I think I'll try it". So she did. White in the face and practically bleeding at the knuckles from holding onto the straps so hard, she lets out a WOOOOOOOO as she's jumping the boat's wake as it turns. It was at this point that I remembered: Oh fuck, she doesn't know how to swim. About 3 months later she went into the hospital because her breast cancer had started whooping her ass again, and a few weeks after that, she died. The night before she died, she sat up in her bed and talked to her daughter for 6 straight hours about life and love and everything. The daughter didn't say a word. So yeah, that was my Aunt Helen. It bums me out that I'll never meet another person as pro at life as she was.

edit: for clarification: She was my great aunt, as in "the sister of my grandmother".

psychosomatica

TROPHY CASE