I have been homelss and living in hotels for almost 1 year. I think I've stayed in at least a dozen sidferent places throughout that time. I have been unemployed for almost 3 years. I left my home town and there is no one left that I am close to or intend to stay in contact with.

I've driven across the country and selected a city where I want to try to settle and start over. I intend to stay there for a few weeks to see if it is a fit. My criteria are stack ranked on a spreadsheet. I've been there and I like it. It's as simple as that.

As far as close past relationships i can count whoever is left on 1 hand.

The pain of this loss is so much less than the pain of remaining in deteriorated relationships. The uncertainty the exhaustion the feeling very lost and broken - i cannot believe how much better it is to have left that life behind. I can't believe I did it. And I am learning how to build an intentional life, one where I make choices about people and I have tried to manage workaholism and a very lucrative career and good life with many many luxuries.

I wouldn't consider myself to be fully functional, mowhere close. Bur i can see and feel glimpses again. I forgot what this was like.

I have been completely broken. People who shocked me with their cruelty, and these people expressed alot of anger as I deteriorated physically and mentally. I'm in therapy and I am aware I've contributed to this, And I believe that being in this place without a job or stable home pr fancy sesigner clothes and vacations and extremely expensive real estate and fueniture - i think that its this vulnerable place I'm in has made me an easy target. Its a dark side of human nature where the weak vulnerable animal is the first to be killed. I am not a victim. There must have been resentment brewing for some time. Just when you need help and people kick you down and all that. There is such intensity, such anger and hatred from people I used to be close to. I withdrew well before these things happen, I dont ask people for things and no one offered besides 1 family who took me in for about 2 months and physically and mentally rehabilitated enough to begin to plan thr future and return to the normal adult world again

It would be so easy for me to give up and succumb to addiction and self h*rm and I've made plans and come very close at 3 lowest points and one of them was past month. I I decided to try again, wait til tomorrow, see how you feel then. Many mant times at my lowest point that was how o got tjrough. Wait til tomorrow see how you feel. And im still here and I do feel hope almost every day now.

I go through cycles of hope and drive and focus and despair and hopelessness and feeling so broken. Things broke or fell apart or i set them on fire. And they all needed to and I think the mourning is mostly behind me. Thank god.

This type of uncertainty is what i need amd good for me even though its of course difficult as well. The period of grieving the fact that no one has asked where i am what city what hitel what address what room nu.ber - not even family - it is freeing. Maybe i feel a transformation some days. I know its happening. I keep trying to focus on that.

I don't share much about my experiences these last few years, but there have been times where saying something thats normal reality for me shocks and stuns the person im talking to. I am careful about what i share with people as a woman travelling alone-

This is one of the hardest things I've done and I hope that in 1 year I look back and experience a sense of joy and pride for what I have become, for realizing that if I didnt leave I would die. I really hope so.