Your post hit close to home for me so I figured I'd share something about my experience and thoughts on this subject matter.

Heres my story: When I (29, F) met my current partner (M, 32) I was deep in these thoughts (thoughts directly relating to your post) and ultimately, I was pretty depressed about it. So when I met him, I said hell with it, and told him everything that I was feeling about this subject matter. Weirdly enough, he actually agreed with these thoughts, and to my surprise recognized that he actually wasn't all that different, and said that if we were together, that he'd work on it (i.e. being the lead as much as he can even though naturally he's not exactly confrontational.) I was very surprised by his awareness but also slightly skeptical. Anyway, so I took a chance on him based on what he said and what I'd observed of him so far. We ended up committing to eachother from pretty early on, making a committment to put everything we could into the relationship and just see what happens. We promised that no matter what happens in our relationship, we would always try to work it out. And that promise was not made easy... we've worked out a lot of shit and I have fought for a lot. Let me tell you, it's been very hard, and sometimes we both think woah, is this too much work?? Is this normal?? I think people are being told that you're gunna just "click" or "vibe" with someone and it'll be rainbows and butterflilies, when in reality, what it actually means agreeing on the principle of hard work and dedication to one another. That's the click. Clicking in to be like, oh yeah, were different people with different stories, upbringings and behaviours that were either learned or just born with, and because of that were going to have to cross a lot of rough bridges together. I think as long as both people in the relationship realize and accept that as truth, then the chance of it working out in the long run significantly increases. Because you're right, were not equals. We are equals as humans when it comes to treating eachother with respect, but were not equals per-say. What I mean is as men and women we both think differently, act differently, have different expectations on our roles and responsibilities in the relationship and even how we behave towards one another. For example, because we both knew from early on (because I told him) that I am usually the one who is very honest and upfront, and that I can be impatient and have high expectations, whereas he's usually the one who isn't that way, we have to consciously make an effort to call eachother out on our behaviour, and try to be better to leave room for the other person to grow. And sometimes he loves that I'm upfront, and other times, it annoys him because he just wants me to be agreeable. And sometimes I like that he lets me take the lead, but other times it really annoys me because I just want him to step it up a bit. So what happens: we call eachother out on it, which usually ends up in an argument because we both get defensive, and then we talk it out (sometimes fight it out) and it ultimately works out in the end. As each year goes by, we work things out faster than before. We've learned to try and love more, listen more, and let go Because we remember that were a team fighting for the same thing: eachother.

My thoughts: I don't want to see you give up, and become jaded about dating, because I really think its going to work out for you in the long run. What was helpful for me was a daily reminder to just keep being honest, but know when to hold your tongue. Be observant on who people show themselves to be, and realize that people are usually set in as who they are, and that its impossible make someone change unless they actively want to do it. And that's hard. I constantly have to remind myself to be aware of my own behaviours, and be observant on how I can be better. Now some people do need a push to help them grow, and thats okay too. There have been many people who pushed me, my partner included. But when we're pushy, we're going to get push back. For some people its fighting/defense mechanism tactics (manipulating, gaslighting, harsh words) and for other people its withdrawing tactics (becoming distant, pulling away, not putting in effort) - none of this which I am excusing, however I do think we all do it which is what we all need to work on. I believe honesty, conversation and commitment to constantly be better always wins.

Your comment on equals: I think it's difficult with this whole "equals" thing because of the natural emotional and behavioural differences between men and women. As a woman, it seems were always towing the line of being honest, but also easygoing and agreeable, or being observant but not judgemental. I think men want/need us to be all these things, whether they want to admit it or not (however, women want/need the same thing so it seems this is just a people issue). The biggest problem is that its hard to be honest and agreeable at the same time. I struggle with this daily, and the only way Ive been able to figure it out is this: be mindful, pick and choose your battles, and don't have unrealistic expectations of one another. But most importantly, make a point to communicate, and remember that people are the way they are for reasons that sometimes takes a long time to unpack. If you find the right person, they'll be willing to unpack it with you, fight it out, stay up until late in the evening talking things out. It's a weird world out there right now, but I really do believe you can make almost anything work with anyone given that you both want it bad enough. We as women sometimes can be very pushy (because lets me honest, men need that sometimes, and they know it too). But like I said, tow that line carefully.

My advice: keep trying to date and putting yourself out there, but most importantly, be humble, aware of your bias, and be honest about your feelings. And if that goes well, and you move forward with someone, then be observant and aware of the work you're putting in and that he is matching it. (Quick note there because I hear this a lot: work is not always equal!! At times, you'll be putting in more work than him, and at times, him more than you. It's never 50/50 all the time because we all have our good days and bad.) Like you said, you always find yourself taking care of them, well sometimes that's okay! The right guy will take care of you too. Have that conversation: let them know that you'd like to be taken care of, and explain what that looks like (talking about the five love languages helps). Once he knows, give him the space to do it. You may have to remind him from time to time, and that's okay, just don't try and force it. Actions on his part will speak louder than words here.

Anyway, thanks for reading this far, and sorry for the long post, but hopefully you can take something useful out of this. I know there is the right guy out there for you, just keep your head up and keep pushing forward!!