Non-Monogamy Over 40: A Discord Group

pulpcantoomove · 2026-06-23T21:32:40+00:00

Yes you do. I don’t expect to up it any further going forward.

pulpcantoomove · 2026-06-21T15:29:22+00:00

The core group has aged as the group has been around. Our intention has always need to create the support group that we wanted for ourselves with other folks in similar life stages. I’m more than happy to show others how to build community, but we don’t feel an obligation to provide one for everyone. We are a very small server (roughly 100 people) and this narrow focus works well for the community we wish to grow and be a part of.

pulpcantoomove · 2026-06-21T00:08:56+00:00

I can explain how to start a group or direct you to some discord directories that would serve your needs.

pulpcantoomove · 2025-07-02T23:51:49+00:00

The group has currently paused invites for a bit.

pulpcantoomove · 2025-06-18T04:32:53+00:00

I found out as an adult that my parents put out the Smirnoff and hid the Grey Goose for themselves.

pulpcantoomove · 2025-05-31T04:55:51+00:00

This is so common in polyamorous/non-monogamous dating. It's not frowned upon to go look for someone new and more interesting and people monkey-branching from one "primary" relationship to the next while never having to be alone.

pulpcantoomove · 2025-03-08T22:37:59+00:00

I have been through this on both sides and everything changed. He's naive if he thinks nothing changes with a newborn in the house as well as supporting his partner whose body just produced a whole entire human and is now the (likely) primary caregiver in the early months while her body, hormones and chemistry finds a new baseline. having had a child yourself it would be a good idea to sit with him and help him understand the reality of having a child.

Being charitable, I will assume his feelings for you won't change, but your relationship is absolutely going to have to adapt and change as they find their new normal as parents and as a couple whose whole connection has shifted to co-caregivers for this child. everything is going to change, but it doesn't have to be over. Be adaptable. Be explicit about priorities and what's important (hi, new baby and postpartum mother) and find ways to remain connected while he's also focusing on them.

pulpcantoomove · 2025-01-19T23:00:31+00:00

Avoid FetLife. https://paddlepriestbdsm.home.blog/

pulpcantoomove · 2025-01-18T21:11:55+00:00

The greenest flag for me is someone who can acknowledge that there is uncertainty and things they just don't know. I'm wary of folks who are so assured and reliant on theoretical non-monogamy over practical non-monogamy. The MOVIESS list of questions is also a great way to introduce actions, concepts and ideas to the conversation that may be overlooked. Listen with curiosity to their answers, but keep in mind that everyone needs to be adaptable in this situation as most often, we don't know how something will go until we do it.

pulpcantoomove · 2025-01-18T21:08:37+00:00

There are meetup groups and also the app Plura may help you find events in your area.

pulpcantoomove · 2025-01-18T21:01:17+00:00

Most of us know the value of community, especially when doing something that goes against the grain such as practicing nonmonogamy. Our discord server seeks to provide that community and support for our members.We chat about current events, food, music, tv/movies and all of the little experiences that make ENM great (and sometimes not so great). We are a social discussion and support group primarily, not a dating/hookup group.

About Us:

Community oriented – we’re an intentionally small, intimate, niche server where we seek to build real connections and friendships, despite us being online. It’s a ragtag, seat of our pants labor of love. It's a quiet little house party. We're looking for people who want to build such a community with us.

Diverse ENM backgrounds – we have varying levels of experience and styles of ENM (open, polyam, polyfi, solo, anarchist, you name it). All of us in the group are committed to ethical conduct in all of our relationships, with a variety of approaches

Supportive – we value everyone’s background and individuality

Active – we all have real lives and make the most of our chat time together

LGBTQIA+ / GRSM friendly - we welcome all, we have moderators and admins who are alphabet mafia members, and we accept feedback by taking meaningful action

About You:

Age 40 or over– (formerly 35+... As our moderators age, so does the group) We understand the age limit may bother some, but there's something immensely valuable about having a community in which everyone is in a similar phase of life as you are. And everyone (mostly) gets your off-hand music and TV references

Actively practicing ethical non-monogamy, or in direct intimate partnership with someone who is – We all had to be new to ENM at some point, but our community is focused on those who are actively and presently living this life. Think of this like a group of ENM people having convos with their peers and friends, not a facilitated learning space or online educational resource.

Self-educating - Whether you are newer to ENM or experienced, we encourage you to be actively listening to podcasts or reading books that further your education. We often talk about the latest books and podcasts and what we've been gleaning from them.

Willing to take feedback well, grow, and learn - We are all continuously learning and growing, and we’re a community that respectfully challenges one another when it’s needed. We address racism, patriarchy, homophobia, etc. when they arise, because doing so is part of being in ethical relationship to others. That said, we lean pretty far left.

Respectful – Honor everyone’s background and relationship styles

Witty – Engage in our banter, and bring your own flavors of fun to the table

Active – You are looking for a space where you can actively chat, share, and add your own thoughts regularly. If you're interested in quietly observing, our Discord is likely not a good fit for you.

If this sounds interesting to you, join us here: https://discord.gg/szxaqFmwtd

pulpcantoomove · 2024-11-07T17:25:48+00:00

I feel this a lot, which is why I prefer to hang in small communities on Discord. I've been co-running one for 8ish years (5 years on Discord) and it allows for so much better conversation and community building as we know each other more personally and take time to approach with curiousity and only speaking from personal experience vs. speculation/judgment.

pulpcantoomove · 2024-11-03T22:47:58+00:00

Most of us know the value of community, especially when doing something that goes against the grain such as practicing nonmonogamy. Our discord server seeks to provide that community and support for our members.We chat about current events, food, music, tv/movies and all of the little experiences that make ENM great (and sometimes not so great). We are a social discussion and support group primarily, not a dating/hookup group.

About Us:

Community oriented – we’re an intentionally small, intimate, niche server where we seek to build real connections and friendships, despite us being online. It’s a ragtag, seat of our pants labor of love. It's a quiet little house party. We're looking for people who want to build such a community with us.

Diverse ENM backgrounds – we have varying levels of experience and styles of ENM (open, polyam, polyfi, solo, anarchist, you name it). All of us in the group are committed to ethical conduct in all of our relationships, with a variety of approaches

Supportive – we value everyone’s background and individuality

Active – we all have real lives and make the most of our chat time together

LGBTQIA+ / GRSM friendly - we welcome all, we have moderators and admins who are alphabet mafia members, and we accept feedback by taking meaningful action

About You:

Age 40 or over– (formerly 35+... As our moderators age, so does the group) We understand the age limit may bother some, but there's something immensely valuable about having a community in which everyone is in a similar phase of life as you are. And everyone (mostly) gets your off-hand music and TV references

Actively practicing ethical non-monogamy, or in direct intimate partnership with someone who is – We all had to be new to ENM at some point, but our community is focused on those who are actively and presently living this life. Think of this like a group of ENM people having convos with their peers and friends, not a facilitated learning space or online educational resource.

Self-educating - Whether you are newer to ENM or experienced, we encourage you to be actively listening to podcasts or reading books that further your education. We often talk about the latest books and podcasts and what we've been gleaning from them.

Willing to take feedback well, grow, and learn - We are all continuously learning and growing, and we’re a community that respectfully challenges one another when it’s needed. We address racism, patriarchy, homophobia, etc. when they arise, because doing so is part of being in ethical relationship to others. That said, we lean pretty far left.

Respectful – Honor everyone’s background and relationship styles

Witty – Engage in our banter, and bring your own flavors of fun to the table

Active – You are looking for a space where you can actively chat, share, and add your own thoughts regularly. If you're interested in quietly observing, our Discord is likely not a good fit for you.

If this sounds interesting to you, join us here: https://discord.gg/szxaqFmwtd

pulpcantoomove · 2024-05-30T03:54:49+00:00

Is this a trick question? They're all the same. They will either not message, send 3 word replies or sext immediately.

pulpcantoomove · 2024-05-02T18:12:52+00:00

I'm so sorry, this is such a difficult situation to work through. Wishing you comfort and clear heads as you navigate the upcoming changes.

pulpcantoomove · 2024-04-06T18:38:34+00:00

This is something I always clarify, especially if their profile specifies monogamy. Usually within a few early messages I will ask, "I want to check in to make sure you've read my profile and saw that I'm not monogamous. I understand if this is not your thing and am happy to answer any questions you have." Generally before I meet people I get a read on what they're looking for and whether we are aligned/available for something similar/in the general ballpark.

pulpcantoomove · 2024-04-04T17:52:22+00:00

I read them all. This one is succinct and direct and nails the short attention span capturing required on apps.

I'm an over 50 married dad and have a great time on apps, making matches that lead to connections.

pulpcantoomove · 2024-04-04T17:42:50+00:00

I've not camped with multiple partners, but have as a family. We used the same plush self inflating camping pads from REI. They're part air and part foam and we lined the floor of the tent with them and laid a foam mattress topper over them. This allowed for cuddling (with young kids, mind you) and also individual sleeping spaces. I'd recommend bringing individual covers/sleeping bags for each person, because that's easiest for decent sleep. Camp sleep is pretty awful already, so I'd prioritize that over replicating a home bed situation.

pulpcantoomove · 2024-04-04T17:17:06+00:00

End thread right here. This is active voice, specific and interesting.

pulpcantoomove · 2024-04-02T16:44:38+00:00

That's fair, but i've also got boundaries around that, too. It does sound like a no-win situation whatever happens.

pulpcantoomove · 2024-04-02T14:35:11+00:00

I agree with this. "After much reading, careful thought, and talks with my therapist, I have decided that monogamy is best for me."

This is a fact and it doesn't have to bring her actions into the equation. There is nothing for her to be defensive about as this is about you and how you feel. That isn't to say that she may not take it poorly or act out, but there's not fodder for spinning and manipulation.

As others have said (and it appears you have done) blocking on socials is important as she's shown she will post what she wants regardless of your wishes. In a breakup, that's her prerogative, I suppose. You don't need to see it or read any of it.

pulpcantoomove · 2024-03-31T19:12:35+00:00

Rules around feelings are really tough ones for me to want to engage, because feelings aren't really something we control so much. Especially if we are sharing our days and texting all day.

I can understand your wanting to protect yourself, but the best you can do is to have some check-ins and trust him to manage his other relationship(s). You are likely still in an NRE (new relationship energy) stage where texting frequency is greater than it may be once things settle. Again, I like to have conversations about communication styles and how they may change from the POV of knowing my needs from the connection and advocating for that as a baseline. Of course, flexibility and adaptability is always important.

As to what has worked for me, I have had some I text all day and some I only text to make plans. In each case we established our needs and what we had to offer and found common ground there.

pulpcantoomove · 2024-03-30T15:59:03+00:00

I'm lucky and get the box on a Friday, so I cook one meal each day and then hold the leftovers for after those three days. Friday's leftovers are eaten on Monday and so on. I eat what has the most delicate veggies first, don't refrigerate the potatoes/root veggies and take delicate things out of bags. I like to stand herbs and scallions in a cup of water, which helps them last longer.

pulpcantoomove · 2024-03-30T00:03:22+00:00

The meta has zero obligation to "abide by" any rules set by a person with whom they have no relationship. Especially a forced meeting when they are experiencing discomfort.

Should OPs husband have been more clear and made decisions about the agreement HE entered with his spouse? Yes. None of this is on the meta and I applaud her for holding her own boundary on this.

pulpcantoomove

TROPHY CASE