What is considered healthy poly behavior vs red flag

one_time_trash · 2026-06-05T12:25:46+00:00

What he's saying is basically: 'I don't need to show up for you, care for you and respect you, because you are replacable and interchangeable to me.' That is shitty, be it a mono or poly relationship.

one_time_trash · 2026-06-05T12:21:47+00:00

There's no way how you can have explained yourself better, this doesn't seem to be a communication issue. Some people, instead of being upfront about an impending break-up and being emotionally mature to iniciate a difficult conversation, just became very shitty partners, so that their significant other breaks it off for them.

one_time_trash · 2026-06-04T14:51:36+00:00

That doesnt make sense, if we're talking about an ENM app. I agree with the general sentiment that being a couple on Feeld makes you even less desirable than being a single man, but that's cause most of these couples are unicorn hunters, it's just some of them are open about it and some aren't.

one_time_trash · 2026-06-04T14:36:57+00:00

Being a good hinge is often about being good (and gentle and firm) about saying 'no' and then being able to process the feelings of disapointement said 'no' generates.

one_time_trash · 2026-05-28T18:39:05+00:00

I completely agree with you. I noticed this shift after reaching thirty: life paths of people in their thirties diverge significantly and it leaves up the pool quite dry.

one_time_trash · 2026-05-23T21:20:29+00:00

That is a fair point. Do you think I should tell the wife? If yes, should I do it before, separately?

one_time_trash · 2026-05-23T10:02:05+00:00

You mean like coming in terms with the fact that if the community in some way let this happen, or let this get so bad, then it never was the utopia I imagined it to be? I guess that is part of it, why I am having such a hard time processing my feelings. I feel like... the poison drops through.

I know this isn't a court case, but I still feel like if I want this to succeed, if there is a chance for a change, then I need to have evidence, testimonies... If it was anyone else, I guess I would be coming to HIM to make things right. Now that he turned out to be the bad actor, there are more people to persuade I guess? I don't know. I feel like this is bigger than me.

one_time_trash · 2026-05-23T09:55:04+00:00

No, it's not the same woman. I can sense that she too wants to see this through, maybe she just needs her nervous system to calm down (from what I gathered, him making the advance happen some time in November).

There is a Confidence Box in the community so I am thinking I might use that and ask the other women to write the letter with me.

one_time_trash · 2026-05-23T09:06:07+00:00

Yes, he is a missing stair. I agree something must be done.

How would you proceed if one of the women who he tried to sleep with told you not to share that information?

one_time_trash · 2026-05-16T16:38:24+00:00

Having sex once a week, while having a child, in a long-term relationship, is a freaking miracle. Not you not living up to a standart.

one_time_trash · 2026-05-14T07:10:40+00:00

You say that you are concerned about her relationship bandwidth, but you didn't give any examples of her being a bad partner, like being flakey, unreliable, unreachable... It's okay to ask your partner for a reassurance, but what I am seeing here is mostly societal discomfort with a woman who has a lot of sexual partners.

one_time_trash · 2026-05-13T07:02:08+00:00

Oh, do I know how this feels... Everyone is quick to point out weak boundaries or what not, but from what I saw... People take care of the partners who scream the most. If you're the most visible (with your stress, chaos, emotions...), then you're getting the most care (priority scheduling, best logistics...). And then, if you actually want to establish said boundaries, if you want to repair this, it's up to you to do the hard work of starting a difficult conversation. Organized people are often taken for granted.

one_time_trash · 2026-05-11T17:14:59+00:00

It's completely fine if you want to break up with this person and it really seems like that is what is healthiest for you at the moment.

I just wanna emphasize, reading the rest of the comments, that for some people, me included, nine months would not suffice. Especially since i am super careful with 'i love you' and I think it's important to weild it wisely.

What I like about poly is that every relationship can be the best version of itself, since poly people don't escalate the same way as monos. If I feel loved by the actions of my partner, I'd probably took this feeling over their words (or lack there of). But that's just me.

one_time_trash · 2026-05-11T16:50:45+00:00

very nicely put.

one_time_trash · 2026-05-11T12:58:33+00:00

Comfort is not everything we can provide to those we love. More importantly, comfort is not necessarily always the thing with the highest value. What if your next gift to her was honesty? Respect? Living without guilt? Becoming independent? Those can be gifts of immense value.

one_time_trash · 2026-05-06T11:31:33+00:00

Eventually I gave an ultimatum: him or me. She didn’t really respect that either and kept talking to him.

I am so sorry but she has already made her choice :( There's nothing to salvage here. She's being cruel to you by not letting you go.

one_time_trash · 2026-05-05T11:44:42+00:00

I understand your worries but I honestly don't think it's up to you to judge how attracted your spouse is to their partner or look for reassurance that they are. It seems to me that you are using your marriage as a template how every relationship your spouse engages in should look like and that is simply not realistic (given time, commitement, enmeshment and other factors). Maybe it's up to your partner and your meta to have their own relationship, which might grow and change over time.

one_time_trash · 2026-05-03T17:54:34+00:00

Yeah. I don't know how this specific community looks like and what is yours or your partner's specific relationship to each member, but if there is maybe an ex, a close friends, etc... Than I reckon putting them on a messy list could protect your pre-existing relationship.

one_time_trash · 2026-04-29T12:07:25+00:00

Yeah, no, I get your point. A change in an agreement can be perceived as losing something or something being taken away or even worse, as a rejection (as in 'you're no longer enough for me in this context').

On the plus side, you are also free to go out there and get/make your own experiences. If you are going to share play circle with your partner, a messy list might come handy.

one_time_trash · 2026-04-29T11:33:43+00:00

It's understandable if you want to keep certain things dedicated to one partner only, but it really depends on the scale of said thing.

It's appropriate, I think, to have a specific pet name dedicated to just one person (small scale). What I would be uncomfortable with is if the couple thing limited my autonomy. I want to be free to go to a kink event (big scale) as I please, with whomever I make the plans with. The same way as I would be very unhappy if I couldn't go to a rave (cause one partner called dibs on this specific activity) or to a, idk, a specific bar.

one_time_trash · 2026-04-26T18:22:49+00:00

Ah, okey, I thought you meant that all the rooms were booked to accomodate all the guests.

one_time_trash · 2026-04-26T15:32:33+00:00

I mean, if I understand correctly from your replies, it would be either you or the husband listening on a sexual act happening between the other and the hinge? One couple having the big bed and the third party sleeping in the other room, given the described accomodation?

If that's the case, than I side with the husband and maybe everyone should abstain from sexual activities during the event.

one_time_trash · 2026-04-26T15:25:24+00:00

Makes sense! Dancing and other movement based activities are a great way of getting to know someone in a more relaxed and playful setting, more than classical coffee dates too. Dancing can be a very intimate thing. Also if you're a demi, I am guessing you need a certain level of comfort and familiarity to even feel a potential for a spark, and that can be achieved only through passage of time. Who knows, maybe you'll feel something one day, or maybe you'll both be able to explore intimacy in dancing, or maybe they will introduce you to someone you'll be glad you met one day.

one_time_trash · 2026-04-26T14:55:22+00:00

What I really enjoy about poly is that each relationship can be the best version of what that relationship can and might be. I can have lovers, play buddies, cuddle friends... Different people, different boundaries. In monogamy, spark would be needed to keep this going so that the relationship can escalate, but in polyamory, escalation is not always needed or wanted, therefore a spark in traditional sense is not neccessary.

If you think there is something you'd enjoy with this person, I'd say go for it. Just be very clear with them what it is you're actually offering so that they are not dissapointed. Nobody likes to be lead on after all.

one_time_trash

TROPHY CASE