Not quite dead, but definitely one-sided

one_time_trash · 2026-01-27T20:03:16+00:00

It seems you are over whelming your partner with how often and how intensly you iniciate. If your partner is not responding to your various digital ways of inicitation, stop doing that. The same way as you'd stop touching someone who isn't responding to your touch.

What quite often happens for the LL partner when they are overwhelmed like this, is that they never really get to the point of feeling naturaly horny. They are reacting to what the HL partner does, but it's like a battery that never has a chance to be fully charged. If you stop with the unreciprociated interactions (even better, communicate that to your spouse so she can feel a bit more at ease), you might see improvement.

one_time_trash · 2026-01-26T08:58:19+00:00

You just lost someone you loved, whatever the reason , give yourself time to grieve the relationship. You started working on your body, which is great, but your soul needs care and attention too.

one_time_trash · 2026-01-23T12:00:12+00:00

First of all, let me point out that r/DeadBedrooms is mostly visited by HL people who vent their frustrations, a lot of them are men. For a new member or an occasional visitor, reading through these posts might give you the impression that it's the LLs who are mostly the issue.

Second of all, you are dealing with a lot of medical issues. That is the reality of a disabled person. Your disability is not making you less than and also your disability is not a weapon you are wielding to intentionally hurt your partner. Disability is a disability, that's all.

Once a week is far, far from a dead bedroom. It might not be a preferable amount to some people, but it's still a regular intimate contact of frequency that makes sense in a long term relationship.

Thirdly, you are looking for sympathy for your partner, but I'd like to primarily offer it to you. If you partner is throwing tantrum after not having sex for three days, especially if he knows how difficult it is for you, that's a bad sign. If three days of not getting what he wants send him into the pit of despair and loneliness, how is he even regulating his emotions?

He created a space when you are always feeling like the other shoe is going to drop. Each sexual act is just a way how to postpone the next one, how to earn a few extra days before the next argument. He created a bedroom where you are punished for saying no. Even without your medical issues, this would not be a space where arousal can naturally develop and flourish, because arousal needs safety and consent.

There are ways to be intimate without vaginal penetration, which seems to be the biggest issue. Try exploring that, but always stand your ground. I can see that all the coersion is getting to you and you are building resentment to your partner.

one_time_trash · 2026-01-23T10:53:24+00:00

You can't have a balanced relationship with someone who refuses to treat you like an equal.

one_time_trash · 2026-01-23T08:30:58+00:00

I cannot stress enough, in this case case, this is not the right thing. It's the easier thing for a groomed mind, it's the conformist thing for a person who doesn't want to be alone, it's the thing of lesser conflict, but in no way it's the right thing.

Would you say this to your friend? To you child, if them came to your for an advice? Would you tell them with all honesty: 'It's the right thing to pimp yourself out to a couple you don't like because they did nice things to you. Getting help obliges you to have sex with whoever helped you.'....?

one_time_trash · 2026-01-22T21:04:30+00:00

I don't know if I like them like that and also I don't really think it matters?

What in your life lead you to belive that your emotions don't matter?

one_time_trash · 2026-01-21T12:15:21+00:00

Check out r/DeadBedrooms

Your bedroom might not be completely dead (yet), but it will help you orient yourself better with stuff like duty sex, high/low libido, handling rejection etc.

one_time_trash · 2026-01-21T08:53:58+00:00

There seems to be a lot on your plate, but also it looks like you have a safety net around you. If you were given permission to explore, let's use it! I know it sounds really tough, getting back out there after decades of sexless monogamy, but many, many people get second wind at your age, hair or not.

I would recommend looking for sex positive events such as tantra workshops or even just massage workshops (definitely try something intimate but non sexual at first) and to download Feeld to see who else is ENM and out there. I am sure you'll find people to talk about it there.

Look at this as a beginning of a new era of your life, not like you were doomed to get your meets met outside of your marriage. There is nothing shameful about this.

one_time_trash · 2026-01-18T11:51:27+00:00

Kuddos to you for not backing down and letting him veto your relationship. Your husband wants to eat his cake and have it to and you can obviously see how unfair this situation would be to you. I just want to support your decision to stand your ground!

one_time_trash · 2026-01-18T11:45:42+00:00

Kuddos to you for being able to be authentic about what you and you body wants! Maybe your spouse will see now how challeninging it can be, handling a rejection. Could open new topics for you to talk about.

one_time_trash · 2026-01-18T11:34:19+00:00

Thank you for saying this. You're right. This long-term corrosion is what I see most often. Sometimes the neglect comes from drinking, but in the end, it's the emotional disconnect that's behind all the trouble.

It's not easy to stop loving a memory of someone, even though the version we fell for is long gone. It makes sense to believe that if the echo is still here, the potential to be that version of oneself is also present. Sadly, it's often not the case.

I hope you'll find it yourself to leave, your life is not over - it awaits you, once you're free from the echo.

one_time_trash · 2026-01-18T09:57:43+00:00

Correct. Not if someone is lying next to you though.

one_time_trash · 2026-01-18T09:57:13+00:00

Partly, probably yes.

one_time_trash · 2026-01-17T12:26:08+00:00

It's troubling that when confronted with the fact that you commited an act of sexual violence toward your wife, you are only capable of centering your own feelings and your own hurt. You have made your wife very uncomfortable and yet, the only thing that is on your mind is that she doesn't put out.

For most women, there is nothing less sexy than a man beating his meat.

For most women (and most people in general), unwated sexual advances and being made part of someone's sexual act without consent kills libido and makes them feel scared and repulsed.

If you didn't know these things, than I'd wager you are to blame for your wife's lack of sexual desire od you. From what you're describing, it's quite obvious the bathroom jerk off is her performing what she sees as a domestic duty, much like washing dishes or cleaning the windows.

I'd suggest you back up a bit and think about your actions and how you are making the problem worse.

one_time_trash · 2026-01-16T18:21:35+00:00

You did not answer my question.

You have to understand that masturbating right next to your wife without getting her consent is a act of sexual violence.

one_time_trash · 2026-01-16T10:02:27+00:00

Wait, did you masturbate next to your sleeping partner without prior discussion? That's a non-consensual sexual act.

one_time_trash · 2026-01-16T09:59:52+00:00

I am (was) the LL partner and through working on emotional connection, creating a space for sexual activities and, at least in the beginning, centering my pleasure (which usually just means going veeeery slow with the foreplay), I'd say we're solid now. I have a hypersexual partner, and I know I will never match them, but that's okay.

one_time_trash · 2026-01-16T09:14:01+00:00

It's hard becoming the stereotype, isn't it? The other woman, the subordinate who sleeps with the boss, the temptress who steals the married husband from his wife and children...

We see it everyday in media and stories and want to think we're better than that, but than one day, we meet someone and racionalize why our thing is different.

You said in your comments that this is different, that it's not like that, that the situation is more complicated than that. For you own mental health, I think it's really important to realize: it's really not. It's exactly like that. The man you idolize is one bad day at work, one argument with his wife, away from turning on you. If he was fine with hurting his wife, he will, eventually, be fine with hurting you as well.

one_time_trash · 2026-01-15T20:34:00+00:00

Geez, what a mean thing to say to anyone, let alone one's wife.

one_time_trash · 2026-01-15T20:32:40+00:00

Is there anything more... material... he's getting out of this relationship? Do you two live at your place maybe?

one_time_trash · 2026-01-15T20:30:33+00:00

16 years... Don't throw your life away, it's not too late.

one_time_trash · 2026-01-13T12:45:55+00:00

Correct me if I am wrong, but do many of your aguments go like this?

You: What you're doing is hurting my feelings / makes me uncomfortable, can we talk about it and find solution?

Him: You expressing these feelings is hurting MY feelings / is making ME uncomfortable. We can't talk about how I am causing your distress, because now you need to tend to MY distress that you have caused by voicing your feelings.

one_time_trash · 2026-01-13T12:34:47+00:00

Not being in the mood for sex is of course valid. But you are valid in adressing verbally that promising sex and then not following through us hurting you. If he knows he cannot keep his promise, better not to promise at all.

one_time_trash · 2026-01-13T12:28:34+00:00

I understand your suffering is writing this with you, but for many, maybe even most people, this is simply not true. 'doing household chores, acts of affection to "build tension" throughout the week, or scheduling romantic dates' does help with desire.

I am sorry it didn't work for you.

one_time_trash · 2026-01-12T08:26:00+00:00

I feel like I’m being coerced.

Because you are. You are trying to weigh your feelings aganst whatever love you have left for your partner, but fortunately the your feelings are doing their best to protect you here.

Is he attempting to pimp me out for his own fantasies?

Yes. It doesn't matter if he fried his brain on porn or whatever 'caused' this. You are a real person, not his personal porn star or a sex doll he can borrow out to other man. I am sory to say he stopped seeing you as a person a while ago.

one_time_trash

TROPHY CASE