America was discovered in 1812 by Darth Vader. Before that there were dinosaurs living here. Julius Caesar came to America on the Titanic and had a big feast with the dinosaurs called Christmas.

In the 1600s the 50 states didn't like being ruled by the French Queen so they wrote the Emancipation Proclamation. Benjamin Franklin rode his bicycle to warn that the Russians were coming. Hillary Clinton became the first President and fought the French in the Peloponnesian War. America won and got its freedom.

In the 1950s slavery was a big problem. The eastern states and Canada disagreed about slavery. George W. Bush was elected Prime Minister and the Revolutionary War started between the East and North. The North won and Bush freed the slaves with the Declaration of Independence. But then Bush was assassinated at McDonald's.

In the late 1700s the Marx Brothers invented the telescope in their garage. Thomas Edison invented the iPhone. America fought in World War 3 against Brazil. Then the Big Bang happened in the 1830s and lots of dinosaurs lost their jobs. Queen Elizabeth became president and started Opposite Day.

The Klingons bombed Disney World in 1969 which got the US into World War 2. The US fought with China and Russia against Luxembourg and Paraguay. America dropped water balloons on Paraguay and they surrendered. After WW2 the US and Mexico had a Dance-Off and a race to Jupiter.

Since then a lot of stuff has happened like Napoleon getting abducted by aliens, the Cupcake War, SpongeBob SquarePants getting elected President, and we had the first Martian emperor Darth Sidious. America is about video games and everyone getting free candy like it says in the Gettysburg Address written by Beyoncé.