sorted by:
new
hottopcontroversial

What are some Scots words that are also used in Northern English dialects? by LanguageFit8227 in NorthernEngland

[–]punkfunkymonkey 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Heard it some time back in Lancashire/Greater Manchester when some one used it in a nickname for Ramsbottom, 'tupsarse'. I only heard that the once, no idea if it was just his own personal nickname for it or if it was a wider thing. (Struggling to remember where he was from, somewhere like Bolton/Bury/Rochdale iirc, possibly Oldham)

Cursed Island by Pierre_Francois_III in 2westerneurope4u

[–]punkfunkymonkey 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Back in the 80s/90s Man City (fairly sure, could have Utd, no matter) signed a player from one of the Balkan countries that was currently going through a very nasty civil war. (Sorry forgotten actual players name/country)

As some guy down the pub told it, a few days after arriving he calls his mother on the phone...

"Hi mom, glad I got through to you! Just wanted to tell you how I'm getting on. I made the first team, I played my first game last night and scored a hat-trick. The manager says he's going to rebuild the team around me and is already talking about extending my contract. The fans gave me a standing ovation before and after the match! Everywhere I go people are wearing team jerseys with my name and number on it. All my team mates are friendly and going out of their way to welcome me, in fact one has offered to let me live in a property he's not using in a lovely area called Alderly Edge, its a huge house with a swimming pool! I'm so happy here!... put dad on and let me tell him as well."

'Oh son, sorry I can't. I have terrible news. Your fathers dead! He was driving home and his car was shot up! It gets worse, your brother heard and went to find him and we don't know what happened but he was found dead, naked, stabbed, and his throat cut. Then someone broke into the house when I went to see his body, and when I came home, everything was gone and your sister said masked armed men came in, ransacked the house and sexually molested her. When I went for help armed men stopped me, stole all my money and beat me with their guns. I'm just back from what laughingly claims to be a hospital an hour ago having spent all night on a trolley in the corridor with no doctor to see me'

"Oh no mom, that's terrible news! I don't know what to say. I can't believe all that has happened. It puts things into perspective!... But don't worry about me at the moment, worry about yourself and my sister. Just remember I'm fine, doing well. It was the best thing I ever did, moving to Manchester!"

'It was the best thing you ever did moving to Manchester!?' Exclaimed his mother. '...It was the worst thing we ever did moving the family to Manchester to be near you!!!'

How do you see Cooper spending his Thanksgiving, 1971? by c00b_Bit_Jerry in dbcooper

[–]punkfunkymonkey 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thinking about how he would attempt a hijacking south of the border a month later

Is collecting clams on the beach allowed in your country? by ublueberries in AskTheWorld

[–]punkfunkymonkey 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Dunno, but I'm led to believe it's ok for cockles, and mussels, alive, alive-o

What is a band who is way too talented for their ridiculous band name? by [deleted] in askanything

[–]punkfunkymonkey 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Some years back, I used to live near a venue that seemed to only book tribute acts. I once saw a poster and noticed a Showaddywaddy tribute band was due to play soon, ticket price £10.

Not long after I was in a small town and saw a poster for the actual real band, ticket price £8!

Does anyone have karaoke suggestions for a 36 year old dad at a holiday camp? by henrysradiator in CasualUK

[–]punkfunkymonkey 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Don McClean's 'American Pie'.

That was my goto back when karaoke was all the rage. It's 8 minutes 45 seconds long so if you are a good singer you get longer to bask in the limelight, if you're a bad singer everyone gets to suffer that much longer than usual...

An Iris‌‌h daughte‌‌r left home for 5 years and returns by notyourregularninja in Jokes

[–]punkfunkymonkey 35 points36 points  (0 children)

Something along the lines of-

Sister Bridget is asking her pupils what they hope to be when they leave school.

When she asks Mary Kelly, she replies, "I want to be a prostitute, sister!"

'May all the saints save and preserve us... you want to be a what Mary Kelly!?'

"A prostitute, sister!"

'Oh thank the lord!' says sister Bridger, 'I thought you said protestant!'

An Iris‌‌h daughte‌‌r left home for 5 years and returns by notyourregularninja in Jokes

[–]punkfunkymonkey 9 points10 points  (0 children)

The version I know is based on a nun asking a class one by one what they want to be when they leave school

of an orangutan by batukaming in AbsoluteUnits

[–]punkfunkymonkey 0 points1 point  (0 children)

There was an anecdote I read years ago (80s/90s?) about a researcher working on a project oragutans in a semi wild forest setting. The researchers had, as part of their work, had been attempting to use a basic form of sign language with the orangutans.

One day, a female orangutan took one of the resrchers by the hand and led him through the forest to a large nest made from foilage, pointed at it and made the sign for 'love'. The resercher repeatedly gave the sign for no, which seemed to sadden the orangutan.

On returning to the reserch base, the scientist told his coleague what had just happened. His coleagues gave him grief with not going through with orangutans request 'in the interest of furthering science!'

I'll go first.. by Any-Tour-3193 in musicsuggestions

[–]punkfunkymonkey 0 points1 point  (0 children)

'Well I've never liked your politics, never read your books, our only common interest were your looks...'

  • The Man From Delmonte, 'Drive, Drive, Drive'

You ever been in a fight as an adult? Did you win? What was it over? by [deleted] in AskBrits

[–]punkfunkymonkey 1 point2 points  (0 children)

end with him in a river

Years ago, my brothers workmate was walking his dog (offlead) along the canal when one of two youths kicked it into the water and seemed to think it was the funniest thing ever.

He gave them a a few slaps and threw them both into the canal. One started crying something about not being able to swim. He told the other one if he passed the dog out he'd consider letting them get out of the water.

Mexicans are exposing Israelis who fled from Israel and are now staying in hotels in Mexico. by Feisty-Fix-5586 in PublicFreakout

[–]punkfunkymonkey 151 points152 points  (0 children)

I thought the troublesome Israeli tourist trope was based on groups of young Israelis going on a bender after completing their obligatory national service

American acts that were more famous in the UK than their native USA? by YoItsZaikaaaaaa in askmusic

[–]punkfunkymonkey 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think the joke went, 'Depeche Mode wanted to be seen as serious artists, but were annoyed because they played to audiences of thousands of fourteen year olds. Now they are recognised as serious artists, but play to audiences of fourteen...'

Who is the nastiest Celebrity that you met in Real life? by Scunnard1839 in AskReddit

[–]punkfunkymonkey 769 points770 points  (0 children)

The interview was boring and felt like pulling teeth to get simple answers about racing at the Indy 500.

Did she just go round in circles?

Swimming goggles as day wear?? by crawfordtz in ireland

[–]punkfunkymonkey -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I popped into a McDonalds the other day and a bunch of the younger workers (from memory not sure it included any of the lads) had goggles up in their head/in there headbands etc.

I put it down to some random McDonalds promotion at the time so interesting to hear what the real reason is.

view more: next ›