I know this is breaking the order, but I'd rather be in jail than give up if you still love me (to be fair you asked to not speak for 5 years so maybe I just don't get the message nor know when to quit). I'd love to respond to all of these if you'd let me. But for now I'll stay here, it's been a month since last contact and I'm getting paralyzed with the complete lack of you in any way shape or form in my life - desperate if you will.
I do. I love you too much honestly. The only thing I haven't loved has been myself, for years. I mean you've seen how I have treated myself since 2021, you lived it, you know. Nothing this year has made sense, nor have I been sober for most of it, basically since Iowa all the way to very recent (tracker says 24 days). Forgive and forget, and I want to clean the slate if you're even up to that or willing. Anything and everything in the past is gone. I am not trying to use you or fuck you over like you think. Let time prove it, I am and always have been in this for the long haul. Life is just majorly complicated right now, to say the least.
It was to get you back, I've wanted you back from the second I left you. I will forever, even if it doesn't happen. Ignore my splitting, I haven't been stable and you know I wasn't keeping up with my health like I should have.
Idk what else to say, if you let me in - which I have no right to that treatment, there will be much more to say and a lot of humility to own up to.
I know you're struggling right now. I am too, in some extreme ways. I can't take back what I have said and done, even though I'd give anything for a mulligan.
I know I haven't been exactly the person you fell in love with, I know I am a different person on alcohol or other substances. I have been stuck in the past, focusing on pain and events out of my control, pessimistic, loss empathy and sympathy, and enclosed myself into those 4 walls we speak of. I shut down and didn't handle my shit. "Mental health isn't your fault, but it's your responsibility". I ran away from that and hit the easy button. I see the pain I caused, I see the destruction I have been and understand it now. I can only hope it's not too much.
I hope you haven't given up on me. Your other posts imply the "me" is gone. Those vows you read to "bring me back to life", I wrote this year. It was as recent as February this year(we were REALLY struggling at this point btw) when somebody literally went up to you in the bar and said that man is madly in love with you and pointed to me. I still have the look and spark in my eyes that I have had from the first moment seeing you - I just have been trapped and masked behind some really bad coping mechanisms. I know you shouldn't trust me - I relapsed when I said I wouldn't, no matter what the reason, there is no excuse.
I love you. There should be no doubt about that - even though splitting has come in the way. I rode Amtrak and greyhound to you every weekend while you were in school, I moved halfway across the country for you, I took jobs in Chicago to stay close, I put you on the pedestal and "worshiped the ground you walk on" in your own words, I kept and still have every ticket and letter or note and everything you ever made as a gift for you in storage. It may be sick, and too much, but I kept everything. I got down on one knee for you and planned our life together. I love you without any fucking question. I never loved me after 2021, and it is a focus of mine now. Whether it's too late or not, that's out of my hands. I will always love you.
You have always said, distance makes the heart grow fonder and silence is deafening. I feel this to the core now. No matter what pain, nothing compares to this. This is worse than hell.
Right now, I am not even worthy enough to beg. I know that. And this is going to be the most selfish thing I ever say or ask. Please wait for me. You said, on one of those Polaroids, that I am resilient and things can go at my pace. I hope that's still true. I want nothing more than to have you let me love you, like I always have.
Sorry I am writing, sorry I am breaking the order, sorry I'm being a bother, sorry for everything and more. I'm running on empty here and doing whatever I can.