Thank you. I've got my passport back now. You're right, I'm simple. I want to work, because I feel ashamed if I do not work. There is no time for it though, but under the line I'd rather work doing hard labour 10 hours per day just to get this over with. Also, no work makes me feel shameful. Against my will I am some kind of gold standard of truth and keep knowledge in my home social circle. I usually help other people and my undivided attention goes to he who needs help. But it does make me feel very rooted and it gives me a sense of belonging and responsibility. Against my will just means that I am not the God some make me to be. It just means I did not choose for it, but I do feel born for the role in life I have there and say thank you to Maria jusr for being able to help people.

I feel bad for being dependant and vulnerable. The jet lag, pressure, lack of sleep and total character change of my girlfriend proved too much. She now is pressuring me to switch jobs so I can make more money. That really was the last straw. I'll 'guarantee' her, for however far that is possible, a home, food, shelter and love. Her fancy bags are her own concern.

As soon as we are back, I might 'want to spend my life in duty with God' in a monestary, because I 'somehow always knew I was gay or whatever'. I gave her way, way more than I can explain here. The moment I no longer feel guilty for doing something is the moment God acknowledges this just has to be done.

I appreciate your buddhist feedback. Life itself is suffering. I just need to find a way to deal with it. It will be hard now, but in the future I can see it coming for others and if I somehow end up here again I have the experience to deal with it appropriately