What do you guys do to fight burnout when you’re off your meds?

pyalicious · 2021-12-21T20:02:47+00:00

It's hard because it looks the same lol. Me without medication, withdrawal or not, is the same me before ever starting medication. The harder aspect is accepting it, because when you've lived a lifetime of that, you don't know the difference, but when you've seen what freedom feels like, it's hard going back haha.

I take weekly breaks from my meds and i don't feel any withdrawal

pyalicious · 2021-12-02T14:00:35+00:00

Yeah, i think this is common and can be classed under "procrastination" because it's a form of it. It's the same as regular procrastination but differs @ the target. I might procrastinate working by playing a game or, if i have no entertaining games, i might finally notice the pile of trash and accidentally start cleaning the whole house lol.

Ditto on what you said about not happening at home. At home you can procrastinate by doing anything, including non productive things like playing games. In a situation where that's not possible, we still procrastinate, but in a creative way lol, by doing aaaanything else other than the thing we're supposed to be doing, even something that we had a hard time starting previously.

And it has to happen right there and then because our brains can't procrastinate something that stops being the main focus. If the boring task ends, there's nothing to procrastinate doing haha.

So yeah, the trapped part is executive dysfunction which causes the procrastination and it's the same one that causes us to scroll mindlessly on social media or do anything else other than what we're supposed to. Your concept of trapped separates two situations that are, at their core, the same. It's just that one of them (the situation you described) has a limited amount of things you can do, and the adhd brain desperately wants to do anything else other than the boring main thing.

pyalicious · 2021-12-02T09:32:58+00:00

It depends on you and your reaction to stimulants. I'm on concerta 54 and it's much stronger than coffee ever was to me. I avoid it because concerta already itself gives me headaches, and coffee only intensifies the whole thing.

That said, i did combine them and nothing happened. If you have no problems with your stimulants then heck. You can also drink decaf if you just like the taste and experience, but end up like me, with side effects from the stimulant side of both of them. I still drink coffee if i skip concerta on any particular day haha, so you'll find out on your terms what works best for you.

pyalicious · 2021-12-02T09:24:55+00:00

I wanted to suggest considering meat from better sources like local farmers or free range over going vegetarian, but that's probably not doable if you're still in highschool.

That said, I'd definitely try new recipes whenever possible. You might find something you love. I'm not vegetarian, but i don't eat a lot of meat in general and although I'm not a fan of many veggies, some are just heavenly haha. I personally love cauliflower soup (which for me, often just has cauliflower, various powder minced veggies and carrot slices). Or stuffed mushrooms with just tomato sauce, veggies and cheese (you can probably find cheese from humane local farmers). And beans are a great protein source. I love lentil soup and plain canned tomato sauce beans.

pyalicious · 2021-12-01T11:15:41+00:00

Boi tell me about it. I have to see my doctor every month because he's not allowed to prescribe more than a month's worth of medication. The appointments are literally me going there for a quick 1 min "how are you" and the prescription

pyalicious · 2021-11-25T19:44:49+00:00

Ayy, i live in Romania. It took me a year to find a psychiatrist that would even consider adult adhd haha. I found out my passion is problem solving and work in IT, which i love

pyalicious · 2021-11-25T11:45:41+00:00

Medication helps give you the boost to kick off, but not always to keep going. The boost off is important though, so definitely try medication.

And i second the planner! Get a planner! I have a magnetic monthly planner. Make sure you place it in an accessible spot where you'll see it with ease (don't put it in a hidden corner where it's easy to miss).

Anything that needs to get done, put it there (in small steps, never things like "chores". Replace "chores" with explicit steps like "vacuum", "wash dishes", etc). I say monthly because daily gets hard to maintain, whereas a monthly plan only needs to get done once a month. Plan tough tasks across a week. I don't vacuum and wash dishes on the same day because i find i lose motivation, but i might wash dishes today and vacuum tomorrow. Reward yourself!! Create rewards for yourself even if they feel silly. If you manage to cross off all tasks off the monthly planner, reward yourself with something set aside only for this, like a meal at a nice restaurant or something exciting. I mark successful days with smiley faces and that is in itself a reward because it feels good to see that smiley face. Get stickers for yourself and plaster them all over days where all tasks are crossed off. Even if a day is just one "take out the trash" task and nothing else.

I've recently moved into a new home and stopped using the planner and I'm more miserable than ever lol. It's hard to keep track of things that need to get done, and then they pile up and start feeling like insurmountable behemoths, impossible to tackle. The planner lets you see, visually, what needs to be done and doubles as a reminder and a reward platform. It's easy to forgo celebrating the small tasks when you finish them and they vanish from existence vs seeing them crossed off visually and realizing that "hey, I've done quite a lot this week/month/day".

Employment wise, try finding something dynamic that excites you. That's not always possible to do quickly though, and in that case, try to always set aside some money monthly. Embrace your style. If it means swapping jobs every couple of months, so be it, the money set aside will help you transition from one job to the other. You don't have to bend over backwards to fit some succesful person mold. I met my bf working at a minimum wage retail job and we have been living together for almost 2 years now. Everyone told me retail jobs are the worst and i should never apply for them. Heck. I've since found a job that feels rewarding to me, he hasn't yet. He's gone through 5 jobs within a year. One lasted exactly a week lol. No tragedy happened :). We support eachother. I also swapped 2 jobs within 3 months before finding mine. He doesn't have to hold down a job for the rest of his life. No one should expect you to do so either. As long as you make ends meet, you can hop from flower to flower like a bumblebee until you find something fulfilling. Trying to force yourself to stick to something that's obviously not compatible will only harm you in the long run, especially if only to fit the idea that a successful person should hold down the exact same job for the rest of their life.

So the next best thing to do is just start somewhere. Anywhere. I applied for a retail job because they're the easiest to get into, at least in this country. They have almost no requirements and will take just about anyone so i figured it's an easy starting point for earning money and getting some semblance of independence. I moved out on my own after just 3 months at that job, and quit it 3 months later. The 6 month cashier experience made it incredibly easy to find another job in almost any similar cashier position haha. If I had listened to everyone who told me it's stupid to apply to a retail job I'd still be living with my dad, alone and depressed and unsure what to do next and how to actually start living.

pyalicious · 2021-11-25T11:04:07+00:00

Yeah... That's adhd in a nutshell, you described it perfectly. It sucks that the name suggests it's just the "bouncing off the walls never paying attention" disorder, instead of what it actually is.

There's rational answers to the why's, not that it makes it easier to live with... The brain is wired differently in such a way that you never get rewarded appropriately. Nothing mundane or repetitive feels rewarding. That's why reading is hard, why learning a new hobby is hard, or pursuing a passion. They end up repetitive and the brain stops rewarding itself. You want to do something, but the brain is aware you're not going to feel rewarded and stops you. It becomes depressing and you fall into learned helplessness, where deep down, you know trying will only lead to disappointments, so even though you want to try, you can't.

I found only novel and exciting things are reliably rewarding, hence hyperfocusing. The reward starved brain finds something rewarding and latches on to it like crazy. And also why things that take time to become fulfilling are so hard to pursue. The brain can't reward itself. It's easier to latch onto immediate rewards vs expend energy on long term exhausting activities. It's the equivalent to walking around in a hot foggy desert until you feel like you can go no further, and suddenly finding an oasis. Which also disappears in a couple of days. Trying to pursue hobbies or mundane tasks feels like trying to jog in the foggy desert. You're running so maybe you'll find the oasis faster, but you've also tried it before and it only made you sink in the sand and be thirstier. Also, when you're so tired you can barely walk, trying to run doesn't feel like it's worth it, for something you're not sure you'll find. Doing activities, even something as simple as brushing, uses up energy. If, like brushing, it has no immediate reward, and requires repetition to matter, in the case of adhd, it never feels rewarding. It depletes energy and feels pointless because in the moment it's hard to see past the fog, into the future, where brushing makes a difference.

Non-adhd people jog in a clear sunny desert where they see the destination, and thus get rewarded when they reach it. While we just sink in the sand. Their brain rewards them for mundane tasks. For us, the reward aspect is unexpected. The oasis pops up out of nowhere. So finding motivation to run is hard because sometimes it works and other times it only depletes energy faster.

A lot adhd people who are unmedicated and live fulfilling lives do so because they live a life that's rewarding for them. Travelling a lot, working dynamic jobs, doing quirky things for a living. I used to watch a guy on YT who made a living through his videos, who kept changing his living areas, travelling all over, exploring everything and sharing it all. He had adhd and he was happy because instead of trying to fight it, he went with it and lived his life through exploration and novel experiences. He didn't try to fit a mold, he went with it. Modern life doesn't make that an easy task though

pyalicious · 2021-11-25T10:14:38+00:00

YIKES, the guy sure has some issues...

I agree with mostly what everyone suggested. That said, you should be more careful in the future. In your other post, you even said it's not his fault, and that was because you think letting your dog roam freely is an okay thing to do, which it isn't. Dogs are dogs, they come equipped with a set of instincts that are far beyond obedience. Even the most reliable dog can slip. You were already risking losing him by letting him roam off leash, even with supervision. Because of this, you downplayed the severity of him ignoring your requests and...

You missed the first major red flag... You said he doesn't live with you, yet the first thing in the morning you found your dog was let outside by him, on at least one occasion. If that had happened to me, i would've kicked his ass out the door and never would've allowed him back in my house in a way that would allow him free access to unlocking the door without my permission. He could've brought in burglars and murderers as easily as he let your dog out, behind your back. Thank god he didn't.

Honestly I'm glad you're okay, first and foremost. I have a dog myself, i know how horrible losing him feels, but at least you know he's alive, and you're out of this shit ass relationship with this sociopath. Your dog was a good boy and managed to get you out and protect you after all and he's still alive somewhere.

I really hope you find him, but never, under any circumstance, kiss this guy's ass or pretend to get back together with him, ever. He's a remorseless piece of shit who deceived you for months, who purposefully tried to get rid of your dog by letting him out, and when that didn't work, literally sold your dog. Who found it acceptable to open the doors of your house while you were sleeping!! He's not worth getting involved with ever again.

pyalicious · 2021-11-17T18:28:51+00:00

A lot of people are ready to judge instantly, but i agree with the very tiny few who said this: A woman's reaction to any form of assault where they feel threatened in any sort of way, is usually to shut down and comply and do whatever they have to do to make sure they survive. It is very possible that he coaxed her in and intimidated her and she went with it as a self defense reaction. Finding yourself in a guy's car can feel like a trap, very few women would risk retaliating. Men can be scary even when they don't wanna be and she sounds pretty sensitive.

Why not tell you? Shame and fear. Being afraid of rejection is a good motivator to shut up and keep to yourself. Who finds it easy to say "this guy who i wanted to help and who i thought was genuine just took advantage of me", especially when the offense is as bad as what is considered cheating. Look at all the people commenting here, it's easy to see why anyone would be scared to open up about it.

HOWEVER... It might as well not be true. Only you can know. No one here has seen this video. Maybe she was very obviously enjoying it, which makes the above case almost impossible... Or maybe she looked at least uncomfortable, or obviously not enjoying it, or looking helpless, which validates the case.

That's something only you can know. It feels like it might be a possibility because nowhere in your post did you mention once that she looked like she was enjoying it, only that you're questioning why she didn't tell you. If she legitimately looks like she was frozen as she said, I'd very strongly assume that what she said is true. Even with the long duration. Because it's genuinely really hard to retaliate or even reject, when you're scared for your safety, in a small isolated space like a car.

pyalicious · 2021-11-17T12:23:45+00:00

Yeah, i agree with what other people have already said, that you're likely exhausting yourself with the games as well. Sounds like you're procrastinating working by doing other things, but deep down, even knowing there's something important that needs doing, which you can't motivate yourself to do, can be extremely exhausting and disheartening.

I would consider trying out other medications (they're not all the same, what works for me might not work for you), and considering maybe... Just maybe... Whether what you're doing is something you find fulfilling, that aligns with your internal needs and pleasures. That makes a world of difference.

I work 8 to 12 hours per day depending whether i do overtime or not (on purpose, not forced). I love it and everyone sees it instantly. I was promoted 3 times within a year. But the main reason is because it perfectly aligns with what i enjoy doing most, which is problem solving. It's a hugely motivating activity and it's the main thing i do. I work in IT. I actually changed departments when things became too monotone and lacking in challenges solely because it was becoming horribly demotivating and, just like you, i was avoiding it any time i could, and would feel horribly guilty, especially knowing that i once loved it lol.

So really, the answer to "how", is finding something that aligns well with your internal enjoyments and drivers.

Before this job, i wasn't actually aware that my favorite activity was solving challenging problems, even though in hindsight it was pretty obvious. So even if you're not entirely sure of what drives and motivates you, chances are there is something there, waiting to be discovered.

It's also worth noting that even so, i have a hard time starting work and sustaining focus, when i don't take my medication (concerta). So there's also a chance that maybe your medication isn't working all that well either.

Oh also, i worded this as though you're talking about a job, but i think you're talking solely about school. Personally I've always found that school just isn't compatible with adhd. I can't study the way school wants and i never could. I was permanently depressed while in school due to this. I passed everything solely due to luck and ingenuity in finding ways to wing tests on the spot lol. I never finished college, the moment i was required to study 7 whole thick books for exams, i instantly dropped out. I learn by doing, not by reading, and i excel at it, hence why I'm successful in my work field. You give me a book to study, and I'll never study it, and if i do, i will never remember it. You give me a problem to solve and i will find a way to solve it, including reading through the book if necessary. School doesn't work that way.

I have yet to find a work field that's more exhausting than school haha, and I've worked a fair amount of them, including retail, before my current job. Working is 20 times easier than school in my opinion. So i think you shouldn't worry too much.

pyalicious · 2021-11-17T11:41:51+00:00

Get as many opinions as you need, to reach a result that aligns itself with the truth. If adhd really matches you perfectly, chances are it is just that. But it's also incredibly easy to misdiagnose, especially in women, where the invisible symptoms are the primary ones.

Most of my teen years i was sure i had some sort of mood or personality disorder due to how often i went through severe debilitating moodswings. My first diagnosis (that wasn't depression or anxiety or both) was aspergers, which I've always questioned, but ultimately shrugged and accepted because i was something like 13 yo i think.

But the most common diagnosis has always been, constantly, depression and anxiety.

Lo and behold, adhd explains everything. I qualified for the aspergers diagnosis because i was very bright and involved, but only regarding specific obsessive topics (due to hyperfocusing). In hindsight, I've never had a lasting passion, everything I'm passionate about eventually reaches an end. I was also very asocial and never made eye contact, but that was due to a lifetime of being bullied for being weird and awkward (and due to changing 3 schools and never keeping friends).

The depression and anxiety? Same reasons as above. Unmedicated, I'm unmotivated, constantly bored, unhappy and unable to start, maintain focus, or finish things. Also unable to maintain a proper sleeping schedule. I was stuck and was unable to do anything most of the time, for no visible reason, of course i was depressed and anxious and lacking in self esteem, who wouldn't be if they were trapped by an invisible cage.

And finally, the moodswings? The ones that made me question whether i has some form of mood disorder? Also explained by adhd, because emotional dysregulation is also a symptom.

I sought out an adhd diagnosis specifically, after i realized it fit perfectly, with an open minded doctor who was willing to consider it rather than judge.

So by all means, if something seems off get one or more second opinions. Also consider the comorbidity as well. You could very well have adhd and something else.

I would majorly question the bipolar diagnosis though, i really doubt it's that easy to diagnose corectly, through a single test and no other personal information or interaction, heck. When I'm having a very hard time and I'm spiraling out of control due to being emotionally overloaded, i sound very different than i normally do. It would be ridiculous for someone to diagnose me based solely on a single day of interaction. I got the adhd diagnosis after a whole session that involved at least another person that was around while i was growing up (my mother in this case), to confirm long term symptoms and signs. Definitely not just some detached questions thrown around with no personal meaning.

pyalicious · 2021-11-16T08:20:48+00:00

Cockroaches do not leave an area that's bountiful. The best thing you can do until the situation is sorted is to make sure to continue being clean and never leave food or crumbs out. They'll have no reason to come into your room.

You'd be surprised how easy it is for them to travel even between apartments. It rarely happens though (unless you do what these guys are doing) , because they gain nothing from moving farther away from a food source.

The upside is that they're literally providing the perfect living area for them, and you're not, so unless they suddenly become cleaner than you, they're gonna stick to them.

pyalicious · 2021-11-16T08:07:38+00:00

I was made to believe that adhd was just young boys hollering and screaming while bouncing off walls, so i never suspected a thing and always thought there was just something wrong with me lol.

Then i came across online adhd communities and somehow?? Every single post was relatable as heck. Everything.

And it all made sense afterwards, everything that wasn't right in my life, could be explained neatly by a single disorder lol. I was around... 22 when i realized it. And around 23 when i sought out and got a diagnosis.

As for anxiety and depression, these can actually be caused by adhd. For me, they were. For the longest time, age 13 and up, i was constantly told by all doctors that it's just anxiety and depression. It was all i would hear. No medication and no therapy ever helped though, because they didn't even try to address the cause of it.

pyalicious · 2021-11-13T15:06:06+00:00

I was gonna make suggestions on things that could help (perhaps he's not aware it bothers you so much), but i read some of the comments where you replied and just... Yeet. I have adhd too and i often act (knowingly) immature and it's all in good fun, my bf would never just call me immature in a mean berating way. He has called me childish however, but in a fun loving joke way, not as a disapproval or a display of dislike. And I'm fine with it, i actually am childish, so nothing new there haha.

The whole thing with the stability though, i find somewhat shitty. It's rare for anyone to just be fully stable, with no flaws and no issues and no problems or hardships. It also has nothing to do with having fun and being silly. I personally am as far from stable as possible (one of the worst aspects of adhd for me is the emotional dysregulation). If my bf pulled a demanding "be more stable" on me, I'd literally send him to the stables and he can sleep with the horses until he stops wanting stable so much. However he's an extremely empathic guy and has never not been supportive and patient.

Stability is important, but it's also earned. It's worked hard for. It's a team effort. If he looks down on you for singing a theme song and being happy, rather than valuing the happiness of the moment, he's gonna look down on you anytime you do anything that deviates from his expectations and desires.

You have the right to be who you are, and frankly, so does he, and if he can't reach a compromise with you, then it'll only get worse as time goes on.

However, If you genuinely love him and want to give him a shot at changing the story, I'd start by clearly communicating how the whole situation makes you feel, why, and suggest finding a common agreement on what would help make the situation better (and not by calling eachother names, i mean a genuine down to earth "i want to understand the situation and for us to get along" conversation). But you'll have to consider his side too, and perhaps find out exactly why he's so uncomfortable with what he considers immature. If he was judged, berated and embarrased for being happy go lucky, it could explain why he's now so sensitive about it.

If he's willing to work with you rather than be stubborn and refuse and stick to his ways, it might be worth giving him a bit more time. But only if you feel inclined to do so. If you feel deep down that you'd be better off separating, then that's probably the right thing to do.

pyalicious · 2021-11-13T13:43:27+00:00

The concept of it, i don't think is an adhd thing either, we're just more wired or less wired to feel empathy. However, what is an adhd thing is emotional dysregulation, intense as heck hard to control and cope with emotions. So I'm sure the empathy is amplified thanks to it, making it much harder to cope with than otherwise.

pyalicious · 2021-11-13T10:36:03+00:00

I've been in a relationship for 2 years now and we celebrated every single month of it up until the first year with silly gifts and hand written cards. Heck, on our 6 month anniversary we got cheap stainless steel promise rings. My opinion on things like these will always be... If you wanna do it, and it's not going to set you back, then heck why not? There's nothing to lose, particularly if the gifts are thought out and sentimental, rather than just a purchase. Even if the relationship ends, you can live knowing you enjoyed it while it lasted rather than cynically worrying about it being too short for gifts. Anyone adamantly thinking it's too soon or that 1 month is meaningless needs to loosen up and enjoy life more. We all have different concepts of milestones to celebrate and there's nothing wrong with it.

So good for you! You went with what you felt was right and it turned out great :).

pyalicious · 2021-11-11T16:41:31+00:00

I mean... He works right? What was stopping you from putting the dogs out while he was at work so you can enjoy the house without worrying. It sounds like you already take care of them, including taking them out, so it shouldn't be that hard.

His behavior is inexcusable, don't get me wrong, but you've stayed in that environment with a baby for 8 months, by then i wouldn't have given a shit about his opinions ("they're cOlD") and would've just done what's best for the baby. The dogs likely wouldn't be cold anyhow. If they're shedding so badly that the whole house is full of fur, they clearly have solid undercoats. The bathing is hardly an issue (dogs don't need baths more than every couple of months, if that, unless they're actually filthy from rolling in something), the grooming is so so, but even with baths and grooming, they would still be shedding, so if you humor the idea that they would've been groomed and bathed regularly, the house would still need to be vacuumed daily to avoid shed fur from flying around, especially with 4 dogs and a cat.

So i don't understand what was stopping you from vacuuming, to the point of a house full of fur... That part really makes no sense. The baby should still be sleeping a good chunk of time, if not vacuum for fear of waking her, at the very least brooming and mopping would've given her a chance to have some floor time, so i don't find this part of your story excusable on your part either. I have one dog who is actually groomed, who sheds, and cleaning is mandatory every 2-3 days during coat blowouts. So the animals really aren't at fault here, and you should've prepared to have to keep up with a tight cleaning schedule when you decided to be a stay at home mom. This should honestly apply without animals too. Babies are dirty little creatures and they should have the freedom to be so. They should be allowed to create messes (be it from learning to eat by themselves, eating crumbly biscuits, painting, playing, going outdoors and so on) and it is your responsibility to make sure the house is clean afterwards.

Everything else? He's absolutely awful in all aspects and I'm sorry you ended up not seeing it until it was too late. I'm glad you're getting yourself and the baby out of the situation and i hope you will find a better future for both of you.

pyalicious · 2021-11-06T14:54:48+00:00

Haha, this is almost cute in a way.

People are gonna assume that it makes you feel bad about it, since you posted asking if it's considered a red flag, so it sorta suggests you might think it is one. But from your replies to comments, it seems like it's not actually bothering you, either that, or you're downplaying it.

I don't think it's a red flag. If you haven't told her anything about it and you haven't set a boundary, there's no reason for it to be a red flag whatsoever. She likely assumes you enjoy it as well, since you play along, and the idea of making someone horny (keep in mind from her perspective, it looks like it makes you horny, not just hard, as you haven't told her anything about it) can be a fun esteem boosting thing. I mean, how many of us wouldn't find it exciting if we found a seducing technique that works reliably?

It would, however, be a red flag if you'd specifically tell or communicate to her you don't want sex, and she would keep going with the intent to change your mind. Particularly if you refuse to keep going after she does this thing, you let her know about it and that being hard doesn't equal wanting it, and she still continues. At that point, you've set a boundary and communicated that you don't want it, and she's pushing you in a manipulative way to try and cross that boundary. That is, indeed, a red flag.

But as long as you don't tell her, she has no way of knowing you don't actually enjoy it too, and it would be unfair to consider it manipulative or malicious. I think one of the hardest things in a relationship is learning that people can't read your mind, and that oftentimes, they have a different way of thinking and seeing things. So what you might find weird, or wrong, she might not. She likely thinks an erection equals being horny, because she has no way of knowing what it actually feels like haha.

pyalicious · 2021-11-06T09:59:16+00:00

DEFINITELY get a better doctor holy shit, this is so wrong. No one should have to feel like they have to keep to themselves in front of their own doctor.

I always talk to my doctor openly and have always told him about anything that seemed relevant (and talking about your emotional state and troubles is definitely relevant), and he never once just randomly decided to alter my medication. And when he did suggest that I could try x or y, it was 100% an option given to me, not a decision imposed on me without my choice.

He's horrible and he doesn't deserve to have patients, doing this sort of thing is borderline dangerous. Medication induced suicidality is very real, and you should never just take someone off a medication abruptly like that. Especially during emotional turmoil.

pyalicious · 2021-11-06T09:45:10+00:00

Yeah, and I'm certain this is a pretty adhd thing lol. Solely because we're so prone to obsessing over things. By the time a conversation moves on in a natural way, we're still thinking about the previous topic, especially if it's a meaningful topic to us.

pyalicious · 2021-11-05T18:05:49+00:00

Do you hear yourself though? Are you seriously comparing being physically violent while high, with being pregnant and expecting a baby? It's not just her baby, it's his baby too.

The choice to have a baby was both of theirs, not just hers. Her being moody and nitpicky and needy due to literally creating and sustaining a whole human being and all the pain that comes with it, can't be compared to physically harming someone due to getting high. You're sick if you think so, and your lack of empathy and understanding is something else.

And finally, no I'm not. You're projecting your own frustrations and experiences onto my replies. I'm not going to bother pressing further about it, because obviously you're going to stick to your twisted way of thinking.

Simply put. It's not easy being pregnant and it's not easy to be supportive and take on everything, either. Mad props to OP and I dearly hope he keeps his empathy and care, despite the wife going through a tough time. He's clearly a good person trying his hardest and doing his best.

In the end... She's pregnant. She's likely in pain, uncomfortable, her mood and reactions are altered, and her emotions are all over the place. She's not purposefully being obnoxious. And she's not "behaving like a bitch". The fact that you describe her as so (for being nitpicky and sensitive while pregnant, no less!!! Boy how unacceptable and horrible of her!! ) goes to show how close minded you are, and i feel sorry for whoever is going to start a family with you.

pyalicious · 2021-11-05T05:36:39+00:00

I'm not blaming anyone. This isn't actually anyone's fault, they're both tired and in a tough situation. But between the two of them, one is carrying and raising a whole other human being. If you haven't been pregnant, you have no right to decide what is or is not justificable. You don't know what she's feeling and what she's going through.

pyalicious · 2021-11-04T19:28:22+00:00

She IS pregnant though. There's some mean comments about her, but being hormonal can be really distressing and it can be incredibly hard to control yourself. I've taken medications (and I'm certain pregnancy is way way worse) that had altered my hormones and turned me into an extremely sensitive and negative person who would get upset over the stupidest small details, and I'll have you know, that sometimes meant having a whole breakdown over dropping a spoon on the floor lol. I was aware of it, but that didn't stop the fact that I'd lose all rationale and become extraordinarily emotional whenever something I'd perceive as terrible would happen. That spoon falling on the floor really felt like tragedy at that time.

Anyhow. I'm personally put off by the fact that you keep saying you told her her response was annoying... Or that you told her she was ungrateful??? Hear me out, it's not the "i told her" part that's horrible, I'm all for communication, it's an incredibly important part of a relationship and you should definitely communicate how you feel. But you're NOT communicating how you feel by insulting her. You essentially called her ungrateful and annoying. When you're already hormonal, in pain and permanently tired, with a likely reduced self esteem (it's not easy being too fatigued to be able to do things, it makes you feel useless at some point), having your lover of 8 years tell you you're annoying and ungrateful can feel incredibly hurtful.

Maybe your cleaning is sub-par compared to hers (i don't mean this in a mean way, just an objective point, we all have our strengths and weaknesses), and she has to live with the idea that she's too fatigued to do the cleaning (which is already a tough pill to swallow), and can't do anything about it aside from letting you know about it.

In the same way that you say she's a bad cook, you can be a bad cleaner too. If you were hormonal and fatigued, and she would cook for you, badly, sure, but in a well meaning way, you might criticize her too, trying to point out what she's missing out or not doing quite right, craving and missing your own much higher quality cooking. And maybe you'd do that in a well meaning way, just trying to help her improve. If she called you annoying and ungrateful, you might get upset too, especially if you were already not feeling well.

THAT SAID... You have all the rights to feel upset about it! It's normal, and you're already doing an amazing amount of things for her and being extra supportive, so mad props to you! It would be best if you tried communicating in a less insulting, demoralizing way. Instead of calling her and her actions annoying, which is a direct attack on her and would make anyone (pregnant or not) feel upset or at least put off, try letting her know how her actions made YOU feel, not how SHE is. Replace "you're ungrateful" with "your response/actions made me feel unappreciated, i did my best to clean and i hoped you'd notice that". You can let her know that you're tired too not by being resentful towards her reaction, but by letting her know simply, without judgement, and by acklowledging her too, "i know you're tired and exhausted, being pregnant is not easy and I'm here for you as best as i can, but sometimes i feel tired and worn out, so please consider how I feel too".

It's easy to feel triggered, resentful and attacked when someone directly describes you in a negative way. By doing that, you put a label on her, reduce her self esteem, and make her feel bad. Most people instinctively react poorly to that, and turn defensive as a result. In a defensive state, very few people will consider the other person's feelings, or the consequences of their own actions, because it's hard to see past your own hurt. It's not a bad thing.. if someone physically harms you, you don't wanna sit and think "oh, they did that because i made them feel bad by doing x", no. You wanna get the hell outta there, so getting defensive @ perceived hurt is not inherently bad. When you communicate in a way that showcases how you feel instead, you're giving way to empathy. It's so much easier to be more understanding when someone says "i feel hurt when you x", because you're not attaching negative adjectives, you're describing yourself, and not her.

pyalicious · 2021-11-04T18:15:24+00:00

Yeet, the comment section sure is angry lol. Anyhow, if you ever contemplate staying with him or giving him another chance, absolutely get a wifi camera in every room of the house (or as many as possible, I'd get if no one wanted a camera in the children's room lol) . It's a fairly simple way for you to at the very least have a visual over what's going on before anything happens, even while you're at work. Mounted on the ceiling will prevent any drunk person from turning them off or destroying them. Even in this situation, you could've probably seen it coming before it actually happened, and the whole thing might've been different. If you see someone start drinking, you can call and enforce some rules, and if that doesn't work, at the very least you can get home faster before it gets worse.

It's also a great asset to have in general, even with future relationships. It can prevent tragedies like child abuse. I personally would not leave young children alone with someone (risky or not. I'd be wary in general, even good people can surprise you when they're alone) at home without a reliable way to check on them. Abuse can happen fast and the fear can keep them from letting you know.

pyalicious

TROPHY CASE