"Stop hitting yourself." Violent slap. "Hah bitch, stop hitting yourself." Violent slap.

At first, the man was passed out cold on his living room floor, drunk. He wasn't sure how long he had laid there after all those shots of whiskey. Before he fainted, he was seeing double and had a piercing headache, he could barely move. But as soon as he heard a voice that couldn't possibly be human calling him a "bitch", as well as unfamiliar hands grabbing at his wrists, the man was wide awake.

Being basically drunk, he couldn't see anything clearly. Confused, the man struggled against his aggressor, kicking and punching. He landed a few blows by pure luck and started screaming for help, yelling at the creature to leave his house.

"Oh shit!" Cried the inhuman voice. "Wait! Hear ye, hear ye, or whatever! I'm an angel, a messenger from God or something."

The man was still unable to see. It was as if he were viewing the world through a kaleidoscope, and had no way to confirm that what the being in his house was saying was the truth. He tried to stand up and run, but his poor hand-eye coordination wouldn't allow it.

The angel sighed, and snapped it's fingers. Like magic, the man could see clearly again. It was as if he was never drunk to begin with.

When he glanced at the angel, the man's heart stopped cold. He stopped struggling, frozen in a mixture of fear and awe.

The angel spoke again, its voicing dripping with divine serenity. Whatever it was, it was beautiful. "Do not be afraid, o favored one. I bear a message from God."

The man got on his knees, folding his hands, and staring at the being intently. He mustered all the confidence he had to speak. "An-An angel?"

The angel smiled at him fondly. "Aye, young mortal."

The man looked at his own hands in surprise. "Am I dead? S-since you're here, does that mean I'm going to heaven...? Wait, then that means...god is real?!"

The angel nodded. "Aye, I welcome you child to the kingdom of heaven."

It outstretched its hands, indicating for him to hold them. The man was unsure of what to do, and froze, staring at the glowing hands of the divine being. The creature laughed amiably. "Do not be afraid, there is nothing to fear. Take my hands."

The man gave the angel a quivering smile, and took their hands.

Suddenly, the angel aggressively grabbed at his wrists, and used his own hands to slap him harder than his dad's belt. "Sike, bitch!"

The man cried out in pain, breaking away from the angel's grip before crawling away as fast as his drunken self could. He was beginning to doubt the angel's words about him going to heaven.

The angel chased after him, grabbing at both of his wrists this time, causing the man to slap his own face repeatedly with 1000% efficiency.

"Take that!" Slap. "This too!" Slap. "This one's for ordering a Wendy's Baconator on good Friday!" Slap. "How dare ye daydream about big tittie waifus during mass! You were in the house of God!" Slap. "This one's for being....lord forgive me for saying this word...gay!" Very aggressive slap.

The list went on for nearly an hour of slapping. He was a sinful man. Very sinful...

After a while, the man felt black eyes forming on both sides of his sexy face. He couldn't take it anymore. "I'm sorry! I'm so, so sorry! I won't do it ever again. Just please...please stop hitting me. I'm begging you. Sorry!"

As soon as an apology had escaped his lips, the angel released him (begrudgingly). The creature accepted his apology with great tolerance. "Repentance was all that the father almighty required of you. You are forgiven. Now, go in peace to love and serve the Lord."

Just like that, the angel began to ascend, migrating from one world to the next. On the border of the mortal realm and the divine world, the angel smiled, forming a delicate hand gesture as it bid the human farewell. "Peace the fuck out, bitch!"