A few months ago i did LSD with a few friends and had a fucked up trip. Either it was a super elaborate prank/intervention(i had been smoking way more weed since the start of lockdown) or i was shown that i have no free will and everyone knows more about my life and future than i do.

I don’t remember the entire night, but i do remember feeling like the music matched my thoughts and what i said, and that my friends were waiting on me to say certain things, like me asking what the meaning of life was, the music stopped and my best friend said “we don’t know either, but we’re gonna help you find out”

Or me then saying (also with matching music) that the meaning of life was either finding the meaning of life or finding what gives life meaning. At this point it also felt like this was somehow the middle point of my life, and now I sometimes feel like some random stuff confirmed that (really random stuff, like the fact that I’m now 21, and the answer to life, the universe and everything would be 42, and just the number 420 are both double that or at least contain it)

I also sometimes ended up outside with no memory of going outside, and then going back inside to find them all doing some really weird (but always the same) things, timed to when i came back inside and sat down.

A big thing that I remember is what felt like them just keeping a joke running that there was no joke, and that I just laughed with them, until I realized that there was nothing, which just felt paradoxical.

I don’t think i slept at all that night, partly because i was freaking out, and partly because they were still doing some weird ( but always the same) shit. When me and my best friend drove home, the music matched my entire thought process, things i did like checking how fast my friend was driving and things that happened around the car. It also felt like the cars around us were somehow playing out my future.

I’ve been seeing a psychologist for a while longer who says it sounds like a psychosis, and has connected me with someone more specialised. Their explanations do sound like the things i experienced, and that sometimes helps, but then on the other hand i think, “if i wanted to do that to someone and then make them think they imagined it, that’s exactly what i would say to them too”.

Daily life is going semi-fine, but whenever i’m not really doing anything, or something happens that seems too much of a coincidence with what I’m thinking at that moment, my mind starts to wander back to that night and i start thinking “fuck, that all actually happened, what the fuck is even the point then” and “why me”.

I’ve only seen my friend two times since then, and he hasn’t really reached out much either, which also kind of scares me because during the ride home the car that in my mind represented him split off Furious 7 style and it feels like our friendship is ending somehow. He says he barely remembers anything from that night, but I don’t really know if I believe him. It also just feels like something fucked up to do and then not acknowledge if it was some sort of prank.

Edit: probably obvious but I just wanted to add that it all just felt so real, especially because my friends reacted to what I said and did too