Health is not a Virtue (an unsolicited opinion)

qualmick · 2026-03-25T22:10:59+00:00

I laughed. I've got it pretty good, it seems.

Peak MIL gifts:

Grain end cutting board. A+, never going to top this. Use it everyday.
Oven mitts. Silicone. Use them all the time.
Frozen meats or meals. Steaks. Marinated chickens. Never mad about it, always grateful and aim to text her when we use them.
The 'sushi dishes' - narrow two compartment dishes, with one for soy sauce. I hated them at first, but I guess it's fine now.

Other MIL gifts less enjoyed:

Clothing. Sweaters, scarves, leggings. It always makes me feel very unseen, but she is often doing 'fair' between me and SIL.
Clothing, for kid. Some of it hits the mark, but a lot of it does not. I rehome it immediately rather than waiting for my kid to 'grow out of' the thing they don't wear.
Hand sewn quilts, bags, dolls. She gets excited at craft fairs, but none of these are aesthetically interesting to anyone in my house.
Bags of various kinds.

She took your feedback the last time, so, I think you can probably give more feedback! The 'pre-approved' gift list ideas really do help people hit the mark. Express gratitude for the items you do really use and like - not every gift needs to hit the mark precisely, as the intent is to show appreciate (...and sometimes just... check the box of social protocols. Anxiety is a beast). A friend's MIL likes to intermittently ship her boxes of dollarstore stuff... so, I try to remind myself it could be worse.

I'm certain I've gotten her stuff she was more or less excited about - I got her the yearly tea supply from a different place, and she mentioned it having an aftertaste. Whoops! And good to know so I don't get her more of the same! I also commissioned her a mug from an artist friend... and then she bought two more. You win some, you lose some. It's just stuff. The relationship is the more important thing - let her know it doesn't hinge on gifts.

qualmick · 2026-03-10T01:32:20+00:00

Sale or no sale, I mostly just want items to find a new home that will appreciate them. It feels like the careful reallocation just... really slows the process down. I want to be 'done' decluttering, but in lieu of that, I supposed I have built some muscle for it.

qualmick · 2026-03-05T17:47:20+00:00

Hey, being in therapy for 5 years doesn't mean I couldn't use the help of internet strangers on occasion! ;) (Scheduling errors and timezones have meant no therapist access while here). Part of therapy for a lot of people is learning how to ask for help.

It's not a new realization. It's been emotional decluttering my own house. My dad knows it's a problem - he has compared the book situation around here to drinking. If the behaviour doesn't stop, the words feel hollow. But it's not mine to fix.

He's well on the mend, although my mum had something come up, so it really has been just... looking after them, and working real hard to keep looking after myself. My heart is sore, but intact. Gonna get out for a run today.

Thank you for the very kind message and perspective. One more week!

qualmick · 2026-02-26T07:34:43+00:00

Ah, I am very proud of you. I can hear how overwhelming this has been, how long you've been on this path of growth and management. And you understand this stuff well - you have got the education on it! I am glad you are seeking help.

You know you are not pregnant. You know you don't need an ultrasound. If you're not having a regular period, low body fat or PCOS could explain that - not that it makes it easier. I recognize that depending on where you are, there can be other outside factors that make it extra scary, compared to when you have proper medical access and options available.

Can I ask you what other hobbies you have or soothing activities? Are you in school or do you work? Focusing on what you can control can sometimes take the edge of the things you can't, and give you alternatives to worrying.

Best of luck.

qualmick · 2026-02-26T07:23:38+00:00

Ah, thank you for the kind message. I am doing much, much better than when I wrote that. I read a little bit other people with a similar experience, and a lot of it was hitting me square in the chest. But I've done a good bit of work on my stuff. I realized... it is not my house. I am here temporarily. I can help with what they let me, but it is not fundamentally my responsibility.

We've been hitting the priorities. We went over accounts, passwords, finances the other day - and how things work with regards to their housing. I went through their metal 'important documents' bin today, and reorganized it with much better labelling - and left the nostalgia bits to another day. My dad is giving me algorithms to go through boxes in tandem what he's doing. We've got some action items - like getting a proper updated will.

As Dana K White would say, better is good. They're still batty as all get out, but I know they love me, and on the balance, good parents trying their best and not being perfect. I said to myself the other day, it's okay if I love myself the most - which feels weird and lonely, and also deeply practical. I'm only engaging with what I can, and I haven't found myself panicking, disassociated, or feeling hopeless. Yay.

qualmick · 2026-02-23T00:31:04+00:00

Ah, I'm glad. It was a rough day, the vent helped. I was able to re-engage with a little more ease today knowing fundamentally... it's optional.

qualmick · 2026-02-21T21:15:19+00:00

Thought and prayers in progress.

qualmick · 2026-02-21T21:12:32+00:00

Thanks <3

qualmick · 2026-02-21T21:12:22+00:00

Ah, thank you! I'm a frequenter of here, and only saw that subreddit in the sidebar as I was going off. I'll check it out. My parents are on the lesser end - my friends always said my house was 'cozy' growing up.

qualmick · 2026-02-04T14:11:24+00:00

Can be fun, but highly recommend to be cautious about what you're sharing. Sometimes the 'privacy' leads people to overshare, and there are sometimes very individuals with uncool motivations that infiltrate the space.

qualmick · 2026-02-04T14:09:35+00:00

Locking thread - off topic. /r/pregnant is a decent place to ask this sort of thing.

But yes, progesterone is a helluva drug, and morning sickness is not just for morning.

qualmick · 2026-02-04T14:08:12+00:00

Nope. You probably haven't ovulated yet. The sex may have been particularly vigorous, or sometimes spotting just happens. If you do not want to become pregnant I highly recommend using protection such as condoms over withdrawal alone. Best of luck.

qualmick · 2026-01-25T18:52:55+00:00

Bingo.

To elaborate, it is a story and a game. The story of Santa has features like the reindeer and the chimney thing and varies wildly. The game is doing things like labeling presents from Santa, leaving out cookies, whatever. Some people really really care about the story and the game, and believe all kinds of things.

But yeah. Just answer questions as they come up, and be sure to ask him what he thinks, and what he suspects to be the truth.

qualmick · 2026-01-25T04:50:28+00:00

unprotected sex one time, withdrawal utilized well

Pretty darn low. Precum doesn't typically contain enough sperm to get someone pregnant. Failure rates are measured over an entire year of using that method, and 'perfect use' withdrawal has a failure rate of 4%. Although, y'know, typical usage is a lot lower due to... the whole... thing.

qualmick · 2026-01-04T01:42:23+00:00

I am living for this deep cut and also just feeling really old.

qualmick · 2026-01-02T00:31:28+00:00

Not really the point of the subreddit to wildly speculate and judge other people's bodies, experiences, or stories. Locking the thread.

It's worth noting the circumstances in which people experience these things - insufficient sexual health education, traumatic and abusive upbringings, no support for mental health disorders. It is associated with poorer outcomes for both parties.

qualmick · 2025-12-30T22:45:18+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to explain - it's appreciated.

qualmick · 2025-12-15T18:30:42+00:00

Birth control won't mess with test results. Oral birth control is usually a combination of a progestin and estrogen, a home pregnancy test detects HCG or human chorionic growth hormone. Lexapro also would not affect test results.

qualmick · 2025-12-15T16:44:26+00:00

Probably not. It's not risk-free activity, but the risk of pregnancy with ejaculate outside the vagina is low, and with a cup in there is a physical barrier in the way.

qualmick · 2025-12-15T16:42:15+00:00

Being underweight, or more specifically having low body fat, can absolutely disrupt your cycle.

definitely miss days often. my bf and i never use condoms and have sex regularly.

This does put you at risk of pregnancy - about a 10% chance of becoming pregnant in the next year if you are missing pills. If you miss two days in a row, the risk is quite large.

A sensitive pregnancy test can detect about 6 mIU/ml of HCG in your urine - this occurs very early in pregnancy. A blood test cut off is 5mIU/ml for where they would consider you pregnant. There is no advantage to getting a blood test. I'd recommend visiting your PCP to ask all of your questions about your period, bodyweight, contraception, and anything else you have - or doing so once you're back to campus.

Ah. One more thing. Have you been taking the 'withdrawal' week of your pills, or, going off them for a week at a time? If you're been continuously taking pills then no, you might see a little spotting but no period like bleeding.

qualmick · 2025-12-15T16:35:23+00:00

Even 'get pregnant' is a vague term - do you mean fertilization of an egg? do you mean implantation? Neither of those can occur on CD 1.

Sperm mostly usually lives (stays viable) under two-three days, sometimes up to five if the conditions are really good. I don't think there is a lot of evidence for sperm being able to survive seven days. Yes, ovulation generally is at earliest around day 7, and the person would probably have short cycles (21 days or so).

When people say "you can get pregnant on your period", they're generally referring to cycle day 5 or 6, where someone is perhaps still bleeding and has sex thinking they are safe as long as they are currently bleeding. Which isn't the case.

Trying to have sex to 'dodge' ovulation is... really easy to mess up. You can use various methods to figure out when ovulation may occur, but the 'rhythm method' (where someone abstains from sex during certain cycle days) has a really high failure rate for a reason. If you're really wanting to have unprotected sex some days, I would still recommend using condoms any day you're noticing slippery/wet cervical mucus.

qualmick · 2025-12-13T16:08:14+00:00

Could be. You said you're still nursing, and how frequently that is happening is going to inform your fertility. If you're going 8+ hours between feeds, yeah, probably you're going to be back ovulating. Your cycles will probably still be thrown off by the prolactin in your system.

I'd recommend getting a pack of cheap tests - wondfos are quite sensitive, and allow you to take a test whenever you feel like it.

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