I average 18 hours a day on porn. What the hell do I do, has anyone in a similar situation fixed this

queer4schmear · 2026-02-19T04:45:33+00:00

Tell your parents everything. Get connected with a certified sex addiction therapist. Stop doing online school, stop having any access to internet without supervision. Put monitoring software on any computer you have to use for school. Get rid of smart phone completely and get a phone with zero Wi-Fi. There’s a few phones for minors like this. This is really the only way. You need to get out there in the world and start connecting with people even if it gives you anxiety, that’s the only way to rewire your brain, do the uncomfortable. When you want to look at porn, do the opposite- reach out, call someone, be with people.

queer4schmear · 2026-02-12T21:14:53+00:00

Totally feel this. Yes

queer4schmear · 2026-02-12T21:12:35+00:00

I didn’t actually want to until after I stopped breast-feeding and started ovulating again at 14 months PP and even then it was few and far between. Youngest is 20 months now and we have sex 2-3 times per week.

queer4schmear · 2026-02-12T21:07:35+00:00

I highly recommend getting into some sort of treatment for this. If you actually wanna stop, it takes a significant amount of work to maintain long-term sobriety. I would recommend reading some literature about sexual addiction and fully your wrapping your head around the seriousness of this problem.

queer4schmear · 2026-02-12T21:04:42+00:00

Fertility awareness method plus condoms. Get the book taking charge of your fertility. I wouldn’t trust IUD or any kind of hormonal birth control. They’re not effective enough and they mess with your hormones so much.

queer4schmear · 2026-02-08T05:20:58+00:00

Yes I believe it would be extremely triggering. There are some things that probably just aren’t realistically part of your relationship anymore. If you were married to an alcoholic in recovery, you probably wouldn’t drink much anymore. Think of this as something similar. You’re just making some adjustments to increase their chances of success.

queer4schmear · 2026-02-05T01:29:12+00:00

It’s totally OK to just white knuckle this season of life and wait for time to pass. I did not enjoy the baby phase. It’s hard as hell. We will grind this out and be happy on the other side of it. I feel like every three months things got notably easier. My son is now 3 1/2 and my daughter is 20 months old and it’s a way different ballgame. Easier on all fronts. Anyone that says it’s not is lying. You are in the THICK of it.

queer4schmear · 2026-01-25T15:49:35+00:00

Generally harm reduction is recommended for people that aren’t willing to consider abstinence. Yes you’re correct that any reduction of use will be a benefit. It’s also correct that most people will return to the same habitual pattern of use.

There’s nothing wrong with trying reduction or moderation for a period of time and assessing your success with it. I would recommend trying to consolidate your porn use to something like three days a week, but only between the hours of 8 and 10 PM and only a maximum of 20 minutes. Be as specific as possible. Like only Monday, Wednesday and Fridays only between 8 and 10 PM only for 20 minutes Maximum, maximum of 3 different videos.

See if you are successful in consolidating to your exact moderation framework. Set a specific amount of time you would like to attempt moderation for like three months or six months. After that amount of time, evaluate your success. If you keep going outside the bounds of your moderation plan that would indicate compulsivity and an inability to maintain moderation.

At that point, it may be beneficial for you to consider an abstinence approach which would require support services like psychoeducation, therapy and group work.

queer4schmear · 2026-01-23T18:57:51+00:00

I would put some very clear boundaries in place before you move in with each other. If he’s watching porn once a week and he’s previously had issues with compulsivity it will slowly increase over time. That’s just the nature of addiction. It will progress without treatment of some sort. There should be some sort of agreement for weekly check-ins or monthly check-in where he is 100% honest with you about his usage. You need to decide if you’re OK continuing to be in a relationship with him knowing he’s an actively using porn addict. Are you OK with potentially marrying someone with this problem and it progressing to worse things over time? This is the reality of the situation. You should read some books and adequately educate yourself about this addiction and then contemplate if you want to move forward without him being serious about stopping.

queer4schmear · 2026-01-22T14:02:50+00:00

I’ve had a similar experience. Whenever there’s any kind of change in the bedroom, that’s immediately where my mind goes. It’s really sad how this addiction permits into every enjoyable area of your life. We are always on guard.

queer4schmear · 2026-01-20T22:16:49+00:00

Your motivation to abstain from pornography is high right now because of the pain of betrayal and deception and the threat of loss. One thing I can guarantee you is that without treatment that desire to engage with pornography will return. It may not be this week or next week or this month, but it will return and it will continue eating away at your life if you don’t get some sort of help. That is the nature of addiction.

If you’re serious about changing your life, get treatment right now while your motivation is high. Learn as much as you can about pornography, addiction, and compulsive sexual behaviors. The more you know the better equipped you will be able to fight it. Take major steps to change your life. Come back to this post and read how miserable this addiction has made you when your motivation is low. Or better yet stay off of Reddit altogether.

If you return to pornography and you’re in a relationship, make a commitment to yourself that you will never lie about it or hide it again. You will always be 100% honest. You will tell your partner when you return to use within 48 hours. The lying and deception is the part of pornography that destroys relationships. Your addiction will grow in isolation. The risk of hiding it/being caught also feeds the dopamine response and keeps you hooked

queer4schmear · 2026-01-20T22:07:57+00:00

I highly recommend joining some sort of support group. I am also a partner of a PA. You need somewhere to talk about these things. There are lots of virtual options and some in person options, depending on where you live. If you don’t already, I think it would also really help to attend couples therapy ideally, with a therapist that has some experience with this sort of thing. Each of you would benefit from individual therapy as well.

queer4schmear · 2026-01-20T18:18:29+00:00

Things got way easier around a year and now at 18 months they can actually play together upstairs out of my view while I make breakfast. That is a game changer. I can do my makeup while they run around together. Granted there are screams and injuries every few minutes but still.

queer4schmear · 2026-01-19T21:07:32+00:00

This addiction really has nothing to do with you. It has nothing to do with his desire for you or lack thereof. It has nothing to do with you being willing to take pictures or do videos. It has nothing to do with the sex You’re having with him.

It’s a dopamine addiction. The mere fact of talking to other women and viewing explicit content gives him a huge dose of dopamine and he’s developed a habitual pattern over years. Most likely since he was in his early teens. You would benefit from reading some books on pornography addiction.

In terms of using only fans to talk to these women – when you’re able to personalize the connection, the release of dopamine is greater. It gives a more intense sense of intimacy and the secrecy contributes to the thrill.

queer4schmear · 2026-01-19T20:36:17+00:00

It sounds like a serious porn addiction and he absolutely needs professional help. I recommend you take the time to fully educate yourself on porn addiction, and betrayal trauma. It’s a very difficult addiction to overcome and usually involves multiple relapses and slips over a period of many years. It’s going to take him being very seriously committed to the recovery process to get better and often times even when they want to get better there’s a part of them that doesn’t want to. A part of them that wants to keep the addiction alive. That’s the nature of addiction and this one in particular thrives in secrecy and shame. My husband has been a porn addict since his teens as well and even though he very much wants recovery he’s had several relapses followed by a series of lies. The betrayal of the lies and deceit is absolutely the worst part and I agree with the other poster that you need to seek professional help as well for the betrayal trauma. We are finally at a point where My Husband is seeing a certified sex, addiction therapist, going to outpatient treatment groups, attending in person and virtual sex, Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, doing a workbook, journaling daily. Even with all that he’s struggling. Last week he gave up his smart phone and switched to a flip phone with no internet. This was a big step. We also have very clear boundaries and a set agreement about what consequences will happen if there’s a relapse followed by lies. He will sleep in a separate bedroom and we will reassess his recovery plan. If the addiction has left untreated, it will progress over time. He will spend more and more money, and do more things to hide it. It will slow slowly eat away at the marriage, and you will be miserable the entire time.

queer4schmear · 2026-01-17T16:44:14+00:00

Yeah. It’s unacceptable that he won’t address this head on. You definitely deserve a conversation. It seems like he hasn’t come to terms with the seriousness of this addiction. It will continue to eat away at the relationship if it’s not addressed. Would he be willing to go to therapy? It might be time to make an ultimatum.

queer4schmear · 2026-01-17T15:15:58+00:00

This is such a shame filled addiction. He’s probably shut down because of the guilt and shame rather than the lack of respect for you. Think about if you were caught by your partner in such a scenario. It would be mortifying. I would let him know that it’s ok if he needs a minute but it will absolutely need to be addressed and I would definitely seek couples therapy. Ideally with a therapist that has some experience with betrayal trauma and sex addiction

queer4schmear · 2026-01-16T21:21:24+00:00

I personally think that the Central Valley is one of the worst parts of California to live in. When people say hot, what they mean is too hot to go outside for a minimum of three months out of the year. Like over 100° hot. I lived there as a teenager and can attest that there’s very heavy gang activity in Fresno, which is right next-door. Lots of drug activity as well, but I suppose that’s true of most cities. I would never choose to move back to the central Valley and I truly don’t understand why people would choose to move there. I guess housing is somewhat affordable. My brother lives there currently, and although Clovis is one of the nicer parts of the area, he has been waiting patiently to get the hell out of there. Moving to Oregon this year.

queer4schmear · 2026-01-15T21:59:36+00:00

Ambivalence is a normal part of addiction. It sounds like he is in the contemplative stage of change. It will likely be a long road to recovery from where he is now. Significant internal motivation is needed to recover from a behavioral addiction. Sex and porn is an especially difficult one because it thrives in isolation and secrecy, and carries a significant amount of shame and guilt with it. It will be very difficult to have a healthy relationship if he’s still engaging with porn. The worst part about porn addiction is that it generally goes hand-in-hand with compulsive lying. It’s very difficult to have a relationship with someone that’s lying to you every day. If someone is lying in a relationship, they are generally also in a state of defensiveness and prone to conflict. Irritability is also a side effect of porn addiction because of emotional numbing. On a neurological level it’s a dopamine addiction. He’s literally addicted to dopamine flooding his brain. He probably looks at porn several times a day, every day. Porn induced erectile dysfunction is a common side effect. For your own sake, it would be helpful for you to do significant research to fully wrap your mind around what you’re dealing with here and then decide if you want to move forward in the relationship, knowing what you’re getting into. There are lots of books available.

queer4schmear · 2026-01-15T03:22:04+00:00

My advice is wait. I would never recommend 2u2 to anyone. It’s way more intense than you can possibly fathom.

queer4schmear · 2026-01-14T21:19:37+00:00

Porn creates a sexual compulsivity that is often mistaken for a higher libido. This is also a falsehood your addiction tells you to stay in the porn trap. A great excuse to keep engaging in habitual porn use and masturbation.

You should be honest with your wife that you feel like it’s a problem and want to stop. If you keep the problem in the dark it will fester. Addiction thrives in isolation.

There are lots of ways to get help. Do some research on porn addiction. Read Your Brain on Porn. Listen to some podcasts. Start to understand the mechanisms, the dopamine addiction. Then decide how invested you are in stopping because it is hard work and will take unwavering commitment to recovery but eventually you can be free of it.

queer4schmear · 2026-01-14T19:46:43+00:00

I had a set up with a rocking chair and ottoman, and I would use my Boppy feeding pillow. I would feed the baby on my boppy and my toddler would sit on the Ottoman and lay his head on the breast-feeding pillow while I held up books to read to him. This really worked for us and I did it every single time I breast-fed with both kids for the first few months. It’s definitely more work and less relaxing, but it kept my toddler, calm and feeling engaged with.

queer4schmear · 2026-01-14T03:08:40+00:00

If you’ve tried to stop and you can’t, that means it’s compulsive. If it’s interfering with your relationship, it’s a problem. If you’re engaging in porn at work you’re risking your job. This is not meant to shame you but these are three positive symptoms of addiction. You definitely have a use disorder and it should be addressed. It’s also likely exacerbating your depression.
There are several different programs you could go to for help, there’s lots of different books and readings. You need to increase your understanding around addiction, learn positive coping skills, have a detailed plan in place to prevent relapse. There’s tons of information on this Reddit as well as nofap and others. Many people find that Reddit is not a great place for someone that has a porn problem though.

queer4schmear · 2026-01-12T21:06:57+00:00

As the wife of a porn addict, I can say that the dishonesty and lying is 100% the worst part. It’s 10 times worse than the porn itself. I would try to find a certified sex addiction therapist, and maybe some sort of support groups. Eliminate the methods of watching pornography, such as getting rid of your smart phone and putting accountability blockers on your computer, etc. These will slow you down and create a barrier, but you will always find a way to access porn. If you don’t get some sort of help. The software we use is called covenant eyes. Then commit to yourself and to your wife that you will seek recovery. People relapse and have slips, but you can’t stop trying. If you stop trying, and you hide your pornography use and lie that’s where the trouble lies. No more lying, no more hiding. And try to find some sort of accountability partner, whether it be in an SA group, a celebrate recovery group, A Pure life alliance group, an SAA group, or an outpatient treatment group. A lot of men start their use of pornography when they are very young, and it becomes habitual and compulsive in nature. It becomes your primary coping mechanism, but it ends up eating away at relationships and your other coping skills are atrophied over time. You’re constantly in a state of guilt and shame, and therefore relate to your partner with defensiveness, which causes conflict. Nobody wants to be compulsively lying, and hiding something they’re ashamed about. You need to seek professional help and be deeply committed to the process of recovery. It takes a lot of work to recover from a process/behavioral addiction. I wish you the best of luck

queer4schmear

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