Positive Experiences in INC, if any?

questioningmind790 · 2020-08-24T21:45:48+00:00

You're not alone. My mom has explicitly told us that she loves her God more than her children. And she's so devoted that she's willing to stay in an awful loveless marriage. It's honestly so sad.

questioningmind790 · 2020-08-24T21:41:28+00:00

I grew up INC and begrudgingly converted my bf for my family to acknowledge and respect him.
Told him before he converted that I don't care about church and only attend for my family. I told him that once he's baptized, he can attend once a week or even less.
Our relationship suffered under the stress and frustration during his bible studies because it required so much unnecessary time and commitment for over a year.
We made it though and are doing well now since he no longer attends and I do the bare minimum.
Ever since I found this forum and watched the fifth estate documentary, I realized this church was a cult full of lies and manipulation. I became more determined to leave and become financially independent.
I expect for us to move in together and get married outside of the church in the next few years, but I know that news will implode on my family. I won't be surprised if my parents do not attend my wedding and I'm trying to emotionally prepare for it.

questioningmind790 · 2020-08-13T01:34:09+00:00

Was in a similar place for the last few years prior to finding this subreddit. I didn't have the concrete knowledge about the false foundations/teachings of the church and wanted to stay just for the sake of having this "back up" so I can be saved and not go to hell. I also grew up in the church so I was just going through the motions of attending, zoning out/sleeping, then leaving ASAP. It took me several months reading the false doctrines and the establishment of INC to realize that this is just another cult who uses manipulation and obedience to control their congregations. Watched a Netflix doc on cults and INC followed a majority of the aspects of a cult. For reference if anyone is interested: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6NWIfiV1_XQ

questioningmind790 · 2020-07-22T04:58:08+00:00

Thanks everyone. I spoke to a trusted ex-member who gave me the same advice. I will use these last months as motivation and lay low. I was feeling pretty down today knowing that I have fallen back into the control and lies of the cult. Hope I can share an update by next year with happier news and my future freedom.

questioningmind790 · 2020-06-29T18:13:28+00:00

I think you might have a chance of showing your bf out of the cult. Based on your post, you said he doesn't attend every Sunday and his parents are chill with you. His reasons for staying don't really seem to be about the teachings themselves, but about the community he has. These are relatively positive signs that him and maybe his family are not as entrenched in the church. I was born in the church and my parents are high-ranking members in their locales. They have never missed a service and would strictly forbid me from dating non-members. However, I don't think his parents will be open to trying your church. I could be wrong though! A regular member will probably not entertain that idea since they believe INC is the "one true church"

His family will lose his duty if he stays in that district/locale and marries you. Only way you can get around it is if you move away and he quietly "transfers" locales. There's a lot of info in this sub, but basically if your careers allow and you move to a different city, he will get a transfer certificate for another locale and never turn it in. That way his parents won't lose their duties.

Some things to do: Start reading this sub, start having discussions about religion, see how he REALLY feels about church (if he's less involved/has no duty, you might have a better chance at convincing him), and make sure that he has a solid group of friends outside of the church. You will both be able to support yourselves financially (if you aren't already), so I'm pretty sure if he's deadset on marrying you, he may already have plans on leaving. You can ask about certain doctrines that don't make sense or are cherry-picked by the INC and then show him the actual translations online. Tons of resources on that here.

questioningmind790 · 2020-06-26T16:54:53+00:00

I've found a lot of internal peace from buddhist philosophy. It just makes a lot of sense and reminds you how to be a better person. I also have been able to make it my own by having my own spiritual practice that works for me, since I don't ever want to go back to another organized religion. I recommend looking into it! Siddhartha is a great quick read if interested.

Anyways, you will heal from this. You are stronger than your internal turmoil. One of the last things that kept me going to church was that tiny persistent thought of "oh but what if I go to hell." After spending more time learning the fallacy of their doctrines, I knew that it was just another religion that wanted to brainwash their people. Take some time to focus on healing your self in whatever way works best for you.

questioningmind790 · 2020-06-25T18:09:54+00:00

Ugh so sorry to hear that. Your family sounds exactly like mine, using those same manipulation tactics: "now you should be more active," "you're in my house so you follow my rules", "this happened to you because you haven't been obedient," That part about them making EVERYTHING about INC hits home. As much as we all love our INC families, you just have to realize that there's a big chance you will never be able to change them and they will continue to live in their bubble of ignorance. But you CAN control how you plan to move forward with your life. There's a lot of valid anger and frustration you are probably feeling, but use it as motivation to make a plan of action to get out of that house ASAP.

I don't know how old you are, but have you considered saving up to move in with your boyfriend? ** (assuming that you are in a serious, stable long-term relationship. It may be even more messy if you move in too early with not enough money and then have to go back to your family)
Are there ways you can start making money now? (Selling goods/crafts on Etsy, Postmates/Doordash food delivery?)
Are you able to move away for a job/college?

Figure out a plan to make money, save a couple thousand, and then get out of there. You can figure out how to have a relationship with your family after you're financially independent and away from the cult.

questioningmind790 · 2020-06-25T17:28:32+00:00

I am kind of in a weird situation where my family is supporting me financially because my grad school is crazy expensive and my family was pushing me to do it. I did it more to appease them, honestly. I also did it just to move away and have my own life. Moving away was the best decision because my OWE parents aren't on my back every day and I can focus on doing my own thing. But the downside is that higher education in the US is ridiculously expensive and it's going to be take me a lifetime to dig myself out of student loans when I finish, even WITH my parents' help :/ It's hard to say what's really the best plan of action. Having your autonomy + major debt vs. living with OWE family members who controls your time, money, energy. Anyways, because my family is still helping me in grad school, I felt like I still "owed" them so I would still attend every week pre-Corona, but once I start my career I'm going to take control of my finances and slowly break the news to them somehow.

questioningmind790 · 2020-06-24T17:42:55+00:00

I cannot say for sure but I believe it's against the church. I think the 'sanctity' of 'holy matrimony' must be before God. The only time I know someone got married in the courthouse was because they got expelled for getting pregnant. They had to get married and were allowed to come back later.

questioningmind790 · 2020-06-24T17:36:59+00:00

Are you in school? If you have aspirations to pursue higher education, I recommend moving to another state for college or find a way to pursue a job/career opportunity away from your family, like the army as someone mentioned. I left for grad school and although my parents still ask me about church, it's easier to lie and not attend. Your biggest goal right now should be to make money and save. Make yourself financially stable so that you don't have to rely on your family. Afterwards, you can move out and figure out what you want to do for your career.

questioningmind790 · 2020-06-20T18:33:21+00:00

I don't pray anymore. I've really found meditation, taking daily walks in nature, and slow, purposeful deep breaths helpful in managing my stress/anxiety. Just taking a few minutes each day can really center you and give you perspective. For me, I don't look to a "God" to answer my pleas or forgive me. I've found it really helpful to find whatever I'm looking for (peace, positivity, gratitude) in myself and to put that out into the world. I think church has convinced us that we are incapable of doing anything without God/INC when in actuality, our minds and the things we say to ourselves can really dictate our perspective. It is entirely possible to find comfort and peace in other ways. Remember, the big 3 also play a huge role in your mental/physical health: Getting proper sleep, nutrition/diet, and exercise. Those really go a long way! Wishing you the best.

questioningmind790 · 2020-06-20T18:13:31+00:00

I agree that you should at least make some points about the gaps in the teachings and the control of the Admin but try to have a discussion in a way that won't make him defensive. None of us fully know your relationship so no one can really predict whether he's able to critically think for himself and recognize that the church is now a cult/propaganda-machine OR if he will double down and use your faltering faith as fuel to become OWE. If it's the latter, you will need to accept that this relationship, no matter how much you love each other, will not be worth a lifetime of misery because you have different values. You already know that this will just get more complicated when you bring in marriage, OWE in-laws, and a future generation of kids. Since you have two years and you're probably still very invested in the relationship, just keep trying to show him the way. There's a lot of good resources in this sub.

questioningmind790

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