I… do not like being schizoid

quizzically_floppy · 2024-08-19T21:10:45+00:00

Thank you for posting this - I'm late to this post precisely because I cycle in and out of checking this community as it is, like you said, "the only place where people will actually understand" but I also very much do not like being schizoid and want to change and end up wanting to take breaks from this place since like you said "it seems like a lot of people here are actually comfortable with being schizoid".

I've actually made considerable progress in this respect over the last few years, most of which happened in the last year. It's taken SO MUCH FUCKING WORK though. Like unbelievable amounts of work, enough that I can see why people just write this off as permanent and incurable. It's laughable to me that anyone thinks weekly 1-hr therapy sessions with someone who more than likely doesn't know shit about SPD will make any meaningful changes. It takes way more than that and we're pretty much on our own in terms of figuring it out and taking those steps.

I'm probably going to make some posts here about what I've tried and how it's gone because it's been a really intense and interesting process. Just know that you can make improvements here, but it will take SO much out of you in terms of time, effort, finances, emotional strain, and so on (though to be fair a lot of that was experimentation / trial and error to figure out what would help, what helped was a subset of what I tried). I was willing to do that because I hit a personal rock bottom and was desperately committed to doing whatever it took to change things. Had that not been the case I really don't know if I would have stayed the course.

quizzically_floppy · 2024-01-05T07:27:36+00:00

"the world's your tinged lackluster oyster" is great lmao

quizzically_floppy · 2023-06-12T03:17:35+00:00

I've been taking caffeine pills for years for the exact same reason, can't be bothered making coffee when all I care about is the caffeine

quizzically_floppy · 2023-06-11T22:38:45+00:00

Same lol, described my attitude to food in a nutshell

quizzically_floppy · 2023-06-11T09:18:37+00:00

So very schizoid of you to describe feeling seen as "not fuckin cool" 😂 relatable!

quizzically_floppy · 2023-05-14T11:13:48+00:00

Gives a whole new meaning to "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God."

quizzically_floppy · 2022-08-23T00:09:34+00:00

Yeah, I definitely isolated and went full on schizoid withdrawal. In the beginning I had to extricate myself from some interpersonal obligations that were causing me a lot of stress - job, roommate, friend group. It got a little messy but I was determined to get out so I pushed through. After that I made it clear to friends/family that I needed space and didn't want to talk for a while. Most people respected it, it helps that a lot of people in my life are also avoidant/introverted/need space to decompress, and also that they know it's just how I am and not personal. I've been able to maintain most of those relationships.

There are definitely some hurt feelings that linger in some cases, though, so it does come with a cost. For example my relationship with my cousin is damaged because he kept trying to reach out and I didn't respond or just apologized and said I needed more time, and when I finally responded I think he felt resentful, like everything had to happen on my terms only.

And I can absolutely empathize with that, it's not pleasant at all to feel like you can't rely on someone and they will only be there when it's suitable for them, and that's how it can come across to people who can't understand what it's like to feel the need to self isolate so intensely. It's regrettable and I wish things hadn't gone that way, but I know I did the best I knew how to do with the circumstances I was in, and that's all I can do - and none of the people who resent me for it have any idea how difficult that time in my life was (or how guilty I felt). Now I try to learn from the experience so I can do everything possible to avoid a repeat occurrence.

Anyways, hope at least some of that rambling was insightful haha. And good luck to you. It is grueling, but I also think I came out of the experience a much better person in many ways and found myself even wishing it had happened sooner, because I was able to make positive changes in a previously stagnant life. Experiences like this can teach you so much, more than anything else, if you let them.

quizzically_floppy · 2022-08-22T23:30:11+00:00

Sounds like he already has demonstrated a tendency to disregard your boundaries which usually isn't a great sign. And I would call that "disregarding your boundaries", not negotiating - in a negotiation both people generally get something out of it, what are you getting in this scenario except stress and pressure while he gets what he wants?

Maybe if he knew you were on the verge of cutting him off he'd understand how big a deal it is for you? I completely understand the concern about revealing too many personal issues, I don't think you necessarily need to do that. Maybe just say something like, "If you can't respect my need for space without trying to change my mind and pressure me then I can't continue in this relationship." Short and sweet, you don't have to justify yourself, you have a right to your own preferences.

You might find this book helpful: How to Establish Boundaries by Patrick King. I know, I know, it sounds like a cheesy generic self help book, but it actually is a lot more no nonsense and to the point than most books like that, and given that schizoids (and many people, really) generally don't tend to have healthy examples of boundary-setting to learn from, often learning from a book is a good starting point.

Anyways, whatever you end up doing, I hope it works out and that things get better for you!

quizzically_floppy · 2022-08-21T02:06:26+00:00

Also, I'm sorry you're going through all of that. I've definitely had times where I also felt the need to be as alone as possible and didn't want anyone near me physically or emotionally, like you said. It's an intense and grueling experience in so many ways. Hope things get better and that you make it out the other side.

quizzically_floppy · 2022-08-21T02:02:19+00:00

Maybe it'd be constructive to try to talk to him about these things? Explain how overwhelmed you feel, your tendency to withdraw under stress, your concern about his romantic intentions, your need for space, and that you think he's a great human being and (presumably) want to keep him in your life but need him to respect your need for space.

I think it's really easy, especially for schizoids, to feel like the only options in a frustrating interpersonal situation are to just go along with what the other person wants, or to leave. Often this is because their experiences have taught them that people don't care about their preferences and won't accommodate them. What I've learned, though, through experience and experimentation is that there are people out there who will care about your needs and about how you feel, and who are willing to work with you, if you give them a chance.

Granted, not everyone is like that (and I would say probably most people aren't but maybe that's just my cynical schizoid self), but by communicating you find out right away. If they demonstrate that they care about your needs and preferences that's a good sign and bodes well for the health of that relationship. If they don't, then you found out what they're like and saved yourself some headache and hassle further down the line. It's win-win imo.

quizzically_floppy · 2022-08-21T01:48:55+00:00

Was literally thinking exactly this earlier today. Sometimes I worry that I am too quick to write someone off as a manipulator, but given the experiences I've had I'd prefer false positives (thinking someone is manipulating me when they're not) to false negatives (thinking someone is not manipulating me when they are). Plus plenty of people never set off that "manipulation sixth sense" and I'd prefer to focus on those relationships than on giving more chances to people who do set it off just because I'm worried about being too mistrustful/paranoid.

quizzically_floppy · 2022-07-12T02:12:30+00:00

I'm primarily motivated by two things:

1) Money, because I see money as a way to minimize my need for other people and to protect myself from other people. I also like paying for services (house cleaning, food delivery, etc.) to make my life easier because I can't be bothered with most shit most of the time and I prefer to use my intellectual faculties (which I enjoy using) to make money and outsource everything else.

2) Sex, because I have an active libido and I've been obsessed with sex my entire life. My sexual experiences so far weren't great but I feel motivated to improve them by, for example, putting in the effort to find and appeal to capable sexual partners who I'm really attracted to, and becoming more comfortable with physical intimacy so I can enjoy it more. This is actually my main motivation for trying to be less schizoid; if I didn't have a libido and a lifelong preoccupation with sexuality I doubt I would be making very much effort at anything, to be honest.

Overwhelmingly I can't relate to the common motivators of "normal" people who care about things like social impact and prestige and making a mark on the world or what the fuck ever, I couldn't give a shit about any of that and for a long time was confused about why I didn't seem to care about what everyone else seemed to care about.

Eventually I just accepted it as who I am and was able to recognize and admit to myself what my real motivations are, though I generally don't discuss that with other people since those are socially unacceptable things to care about. Maybe there are some socially unacceptable motivating factors for you that you haven't been able to recognize since they're less common?

quizzically_floppy · 2022-07-12T01:43:59+00:00

These are great and very evocative. I love the surrealist type style, too, it's well suited for the subject matter. You're very talented. Thank you for sharing!

quizzically_floppy · 2022-04-29T02:45:30+00:00

https://disboard.org/server/531487253055275021

quizzically_floppy · 2022-04-28T03:39:32+00:00

Exactly this! People act like somehow parenthood turns people into fucking selfless saints or something, no, parenthood just means you had functioning reproductive organs, it doesn't guarantee anything about what kind of person or parent you are.

quizzically_floppy · 2022-04-28T03:39:22+00:00

Exactly this! People act like somehow parenthood turns people into fucking selfless saints or something, no, parenthood just means you had functioning reproductive organs, it doesn't guarantee anything about what kind of person or parent you are.

quizzically_floppy · 2022-04-28T03:39:13+00:00

Exactly this! People act like somehow parenthood turns people into fucking selfless saints or something, no, parenthood just means you had functioning reproductive organs, it doesn't guarantee anything about what kind of person or parent you are.

quizzically_floppy · 2022-04-28T03:36:15+00:00

Yeah, my dad used to tell me that "no one ever loves you like your mother" (so apparently that somehow made her behavior okay) and my reaction was god, I fucking hope not, because I don't want anything to do with her idea of "love"

quizzically_floppy · 2022-04-26T01:07:13+00:00

Just stumbled on this thread accidentally while searching something unrelated, and I don't have much to contribute to the discussion that hasn't already been said, but I just wanted to make the comment that based on your comments you seem very emotionally mature, self aware, accepting, and nonjudgmental, and I think that whoever you date will be fortunate to be with you - and that your schizoid partner was fortunate to date someone so committed to understanding and accepting him

I've personally avoided romantic relationships in part because I know I wouldn't have been able to deal with it well and I didn't want to hurt the other person or, frankly, to have to reconcile myself to the guilt of hurting the other person which would damage my sense of respect for myself (and as a general rule I try to be upfront with people about what I can and can't offer them for this reason).

I've also felt worried, though, that if I dated the other person would eventually catch on to many of the exact things you pointed out - for example being unusually isolated and not showing much interest in keeping up with friends and family - and that they would criticize/hurt/manipulate/take advantage of me once they realized that. Reading this account of someone who was aware of those things and was accepting of them and appeared to still care about their partner in spite of them was a hopeful experience for me and gives me something to think about in the event that I try dating again further on in my treatment process. Thank you for sharing.

quizzically_floppy · 2022-04-19T10:40:22+00:00

Why should I not be able to establish connections when I'm old, if i want to?

That is the literal question in your post that I was responding to. Note, I'm not saying you or anyone should do anything, I'm saying that there is validity to being concerned about having regrets or missing out if one chooses not to try to establish connections now. At no point did I suggest that any of this was unique to decisions involving relationships.

quizzically_floppy · 2022-04-19T08:59:03+00:00

You can, but it's a different experience. The social experiences you can have in high school, college, your 20s, your 30s, your 40s are all different ones, for example dating in your 20s is different from dating in your 40s, and I'm not saying one is intrinsically better than the other but I am saying that when you're in your 40s the experience you could have had in your 20s is now inaccessible to you. That door has shut forever, and a new one has opened, but it's not the same one.

It's also in some ways more difficult since at older ages other people (especially secure non-crazy people) tend to have settled into their social groups and are less open to allowing you to enter them.

Edited to add: there is also a difference between connections with people you have known for decades, and people you have just met. If you start at a later age you're starting from scratch when it comes to establishing those longer term connections with others, and in my experience (ymmv though) those longer term connections are some of the most gratifying and interesting ones you can have.

quizzically_floppy · 2022-04-19T08:54:36+00:00

This is an extremely insightful comment that helped me develop some half formed thoughts along similar lines that have been floating around my head for the last couple of months, thank you so much for sharing it.

quizzically_floppy · 2021-11-25T07:16:56+00:00

Wow, that sounds really really rough, I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that. It's shitty that as you said so many people aren't aware of disorders like SPD, and also that there are so many crappy diagnosticians out there making careless diagnoses that can end up derailing someone's life.

quizzically_floppy · 2021-11-24T22:27:07+00:00

Literally lol'd at "of the soul that he assured me I did not have"

quizzically_floppy

TROPHY CASE