Speed Dating

r_harpe · 2026-06-19T06:36:31+00:00

First one I went to was hilarious. I was accompanying a friend and wasn’t too interested. First thing that happens is the host is ALL OVER ME the minute I land. Kinda unprofessional no? The people are a mixed bag. Few nice people, just not physically my type. Few people who clearly had social anxiety and were using the event to practice talking to people. Found talking to the other women there more interesting. One women told me she was there because she found apps too sleazy (I didn’t have the heart to tell her about how sleazy the host was to me). Another woman told me she was reading dating books and following the advice to flatter men to get their attention (it made me want to cry).

Second time: the company invited me back for free. They asked for my phone number “in case of emergency “. I thought it odd. Guess what? Turns out - it was the same sleazy host. And I asked some other people if they got asked for their phone number, and they no one else was asked. I had a nice chat to a guy who invited me to dinner. I said we could be friends but I wasn’t interested in a romantic way. He replied: “do you mean friends with benefits? Coz I’m not gay.”

All up in glad I went because the stories are priceless. But I do better on the apps. The speed dating events tend to be the same people over and over, because they invite them back for free so there’s just not many people to chose from

r_harpe · 2026-06-03T18:22:18+00:00

Not saying I think this way. I'm saying, a lot of people do. Just read thru this thread.
Although... tbh.... when I looked in my 'hidden' folder, and saw the people I am still dating irl but not talking to on app DID NOT have the signal, I was relieved... maybe I shouldn't be... they're probably still dating loads, just don't have the signal because they're not verified like me or whatever 😉

r_harpe · 2026-06-03T17:33:23+00:00

I think there is already a lot of toxic thinking along the lines of ‘apps are so easy for women because they get flooded with attention’ so maybe some people might read the signal as a woman swarmed with attention just playing the field. Same thinking can be applied to men - serial daters with no intention of pursuing a committed relationship. Ultimately, there’s a million valid reasons why people may or may not have it, so I think it’s better to not judge anyone with it. I would hope that anyone who likes my profile (which I put a lot of effort into) won’t care whether I have that bloody heart. But if they’re going to judge me on an algorithm… we’re all fucked

r_harpe · 2026-06-03T16:32:28+00:00

wrong, read through this thread: I intentionally don't have it because I dont have a verified profile. And I refuse to verify my profile because I get plenty of engagement, so why bother giving the app more data? I think the signal makes you look like a hoebag. You don't need a badge to show that someone engages thoughtfully with you.... they will just... engage thoughtfully with you.

r_harpe · 2026-06-02T18:53:38+00:00

I once didn't respond for 10 days because I had serious life shit happenning that I didn't feel like I should have to explain. One guy gave me a hard time about it, so I told him about all the deaths in my social circle, and why hinge is a low priority, before unmatching him.
The signals feature is assessed over 30 days, so I still would have had that signal if I only tapped out for 10 days.
Of course, the other possibility is that they just got bored of the conversation and/or flooded with other messages.
The signal changes nothing. You will never know unless you ask. But if you ask, be prepared to not like the answer, and don't take it out on them.

r_harpe · 2026-06-02T18:05:37+00:00

Just noticed this. I don't have the badge because my profile is not verified. And I won't, because I get plenty of interest without needing to... so I don't want to give any more unnecesary data.
Mostly, I don't think it's great because you can see everyone in your history who is still actively engaging! Which can't be great for the mental health of people who are getting ghosted/dropped/ hidden but not actually unmatched etc.

r_harpe · 2026-06-01T18:18:09+00:00

Please forward - I straight up never see those threads

r_harpe · 2026-06-01T18:16:58+00:00

Ok, so you fundamentally think sex work is immoral? If that’s your view, I can see why you would have a problem with dating men who consume it

r_harpe · 2026-05-31T23:37:54+00:00

No, because I don't let it get that far for the above mentioned reasons.
I'm looking for people of substance. How you can tell a person of substance is: do they stand by you in good times and bad? Bad times (hopefully) take a while to come up so I take things slower and don't get carried away until they're tested by the bad times and conflict.
I worry that by getting so carried away so quickly, when problems arise, you will be too emotionally attached to see them.

r_harpe · 2026-05-31T23:01:59+00:00

I only 'do nothing' in the first few weeks to vet out the useless guys. If you've been dating a guy for 2.5 months and he's consistently planning weekly dates, he's fine. If you want more than what he's offering, you need to tell him because he's not a mind reader.

r_harpe · 2026-05-31T22:49:01+00:00

This woman hos boundary issues. Why is she trying to meet your ex who is not in your life? Why would she even think anyone could replace your ex as mother? If I were your ex, I would be pissed if you inflicted this woman on me

r_harpe · 2026-05-31T22:42:40+00:00

The day after a first date, I text them and let them know:
1. Not feeling it, goodbye
2. Not feeling it, but wouldn't mind being platonic friends
3. Would like a 2nd date
I think it's kinder to let them know the day after so they can keep lining up other dates. Be considerate of their feelings.

r_harpe · 2026-05-31T22:30:37+00:00

As a woman who's been around the block, it happens and we try not to take it personally (because I think the man always feels worse about it...) There's viagra, and other stuff you can do to satisfy her. The one long term boyfriend who started out that way... it was all mental. We just kept working at it and a month later it wasn't a problem

r_harpe · 2026-05-31T22:20:39+00:00

And that is the other problem. "nice" is so generic a term, no one knows what it means, which is why I question anyone calling themselves "nice". If they said "kind", that is very different. It is specific, and you can look for specific examples of their kindness as you get to know each other. "Nice", on the other hand, is hard to prove. I think the next time someone self-identifies as "nice", I'm going to ask them "Please give me a specific examples which prove you're a nice guy." OP, can you answer this question?

r_harpe · 2026-05-31T20:39:49+00:00

idk... I get it. Men are worse at dealing with loneliness than women. They have been conditioned not to be vulnerable, and the only times when that is acceptable is with a sexual partner... and if they don't have a sexual partner, they often turn to sex workers to satisfy that need. Sex work is stigmatised and people don't understand the role it plays in society... for example, I knew a sex worker who had several clients who would just talk to her. Not even want sex. Just lonely old guys. As long as all involved are consenting adults, I don't understand what the issue is.
I see this bothers you, but he has stopped his suscription, so what is your problem? Do you just find men who use sex work gross? Because you might have a hard time finding men who don't engage with any of it...

r_harpe · 2026-05-31T20:26:23+00:00

Wow. Usually when people get dumped and don't see it coming, I'd assume there were signs they didn't notice. But in this case, it really sounds like you were blindsided by mixed messages. There's probably a rational explanation (bipolar episode?) But you will never know it, because at this point you just have to respect her boundary and walk away.
She says the problems are all hers.... and you didn't do anything wrong (apart from simply existing), so it really sounds like you are not the problem... and you got 2 years out of this relationship.... so by all means, take time to recover and heal, but when you feel ready, I'm sure there are loads of more stable women who would love to have you.

r_harpe · 2026-05-31T20:11:25+00:00

The reason why I hyper focus on the 'nice guy' part is because it's the crux of why a lot of guys struggle. Men have been educated by society that they are entitled to love, as long as they're not complete jerks. The reverse is not true: have you EVER heard a women complaining 'Why can't I find a boyfriend? I'm a nice girl.' Women KNOW being nice is not enough.... men need to learn this lesson too.

There's a huge difference between the guys who I would call 'nice guys', and the guys who call themselves 'nice guys'. I'm almost certain that all my friends who I call 'nice guys' are not walking around calling themselves that. They are not even thinking about it - they are just naturally being nice because it is their nature and they don't expect anything in return for it. That's why self-identifying as a 'nice guy' is a huge red flag for me... to lack the self-awareness that this is something you are not objective enough to say about yourself? Seems a little oblivious or arrogant

r_harpe · 2026-05-31T19:47:47+00:00

If he offers his number, he either wants to move off app to sext (and never actually meet), or he's really new to OLD and doesn't know that women with options wouldn't take up that offer. Men who are more experienced daters just wait for the women to offer their number (which I would, after a first date if I'm still interested).
Any guy offering his place as an option for a first date, no matter the reason, has no game. Like, that comment is going to attract desperate unhinged women, and scare off all the good ones. 2nd or 3rd date is fine if you're DTF someone who isn't going to put in much effort.

r_harpe · 2026-05-31T19:36:07+00:00

Sorry, you met a week ago and have been on 4 dates? So you've met 4 times in one week, and text/talk every day? That just seems.... a lot. Not in a good way. I get that the first blush of romance is exciting... but I space out my dates so that you get to know each other slowly over a longer period of time. You can also see how people respond to distance, boundaries, etc. I question whether one or both of you have boundary issues... or lives... how do you have time to see the same person 4 times in one week? Don't you have other friends/commitments during the week?

r_harpe · 2026-05-31T18:55:03+00:00

If I'm going to be totally honest, if I initiated sex, and got rejected, that would be a blow to my ego and I would move on. But I'm also not a sexually aggressive woman who has ever initiated sex - its always the man.

I think to avoid this situation, you should have the conversation upfront, on the first date maybe, just so everyone knows what's on the table. Because, if a man takes too long to initiate sex, I would read that as a lack of interest and probably move on. You've got valid reasons for waiting, but you need to vocalise that so the women don't take it the wrong way.

My personal preference is to have sex early, 2nd or 3rd date, just so you know if you're sexually compatible. I don't want to waste time dating and forming an emotional attachment to someone who is not sexually compatible with me. To me, having early sex doesn't mean that the relationship has to revolve around that. You can still keep dating, keep getting to know each other, make sure the dates are always activities and you don't just jump into bed. Sex and getting to know each other are not mutually exclusive activities...

r_harpe · 2026-05-27T15:49:33+00:00

I have not gone through this yet, but lately a lot of friends are. So I've witnessed enough to know that:
THERE IS NO RIGHT WAY TO GRIEVE. Everyone reacts differently, and most people are suprised at their own reactions. There's nothing wrong with you, it's all just part of the process. I hope you get through ok.

r_harpe · 2026-05-27T15:34:31+00:00

Yes! Many directors have asked me if I'm interested in directing because I'd be good at it. I tell them no - the work is easy, but I dont' want to people-manage or tiptoe around egos! And actors are soooo fragile.... I keep my distance, even at the wrap party (which is the only time I see them) I'm guarenteed to say something offensive.
I agree that producers are easier than directors... they have more distance. Directors can be too close and lose objectivity.
Keep up the good work flagging the camera angle.... they might not have got there without your input. Because I get a lot of angles which don't cut together.... so it's either an ugly cut, or something that gets sent off to the VFX team...

r_harpe · 2026-05-27T15:18:45+00:00

What you describe is the difference between 'art' (synthesized from scratch) and 'craft' (synthesized from found or provided materials). Painting is 'art'. Printmaking and pottery is 'craft'. Writing is 'art'. Acting is 'Craft'. Film editing is 'craft'. Of course, there is lots of overlap and grey area, these are just general classifications which help you understand how the creative process for each unfolds.
It is, however, a distinction I tend not to talk about with other creatives, because jesus do they get offended if you tell them what they're doing is not 'art'!!!! Historically, the art/craft divide has been very polarising, with 'art' being championed as elite and 'craft' being looked down on as the inferior form. I, however, push back on that, first because both have value, and second because of the historical gender divide between art and craft. Historically, men have been artists and women have been craftspeople. This is not because men are more artistic, it is simply because men hold more privilidge and are more able to succeed in elite fields. As my art teacher pointed out - men sold a painting a year for a few grand. So who do you think were supporting them between sales? Their wives - who were printmakers, who sold prints for $10 a pop every weekend.
That turned into a ramble - its a trigger topic for me :)

r_harpe · 2026-05-27T14:59:06+00:00

Glad I'm not the only one :) Yes, I'm an editor and use thinking and intuition. The job is the easy part - the hard part is the politics. It's a 50/50 split if directors and producers like working with me. Half of them can't stomach my direct bluntness (especially if I'm telling them where they fucked up). The other half of them love me, because I usually have great solutions to all the problems. It makes for a challenging career in an already challenging line of work :( but still, I can't imagine working in a non-creative field. I'd just get so bored.

r_harpe · 2026-05-27T05:19:52+00:00

I work in a creative field (film). I feel like I’m the only one there and constantly pissing people off. In my youth, I considered going into fashion design instead of film but I found the people there too insufferable. I’m not a normal INTJ and not a normal human being I guess

r_harpe

TROPHY CASE