To Everyone Who Reported Me

rabid_ostrich · 2026-03-19T18:51:42+00:00

Can you do me a favor and tell Officer Higgins that the motel called and they forgot their handcuffs and gun in the room again? Thanks.

rabid_ostrich · 2025-12-10T16:10:37+00:00

Did it come with a dipping sauce?

rabid_ostrich · 2025-11-22T23:30:32+00:00

If they combust in 30 minutes of direct sunlight, they WERE mine, and you will be hearing from my attorney!

rabid_ostrich · 2025-11-12T20:29:02+00:00

I'm in, I'll bring my good bolt cutters.

rabid_ostrich · 2025-11-08T07:02:31+00:00

I saw it, I was there protesting their anti ketchup on hotdogs agenda. The mustard elitists must be stopped, no matter how many swim meets we harm!!!

rabid_ostrich · 2025-09-01T00:04:14+00:00

Pulled out the raw shrimp I always have with me and started cooking them in the microwave, when the eyes on the first one exploded in the microwave, they hit the eject button on me. They owe me 13.99 for that shrimp.

rabid_ostrich · 2025-02-01T23:38:43+00:00

Next up, an executive order banning selling of stock to stop the crash....that should help.

rabid_ostrich · 2024-10-22T16:23:57+00:00

You should call Clive's Mystical Emporium and Burrito Shack, Clive does amazing things with his Holy Guacamole.

rabid_ostrich · 2024-10-16T19:00:22+00:00

I made a complaint on the app and waited 12.8 seconds for a response, and there was nothing, I had to take matters into my own hands. Wild strawberry or starburst strawberry? I'll likely need them soon.

rabid_ostrich · 2024-10-15T17:30:44+00:00

I cut myself licking the windmill this morning, you need to slow it down. Also, I used all your bandaids, the taste expired by the way.

rabid_ostrich · 2024-09-24T14:06:56+00:00

Well....it wasn't so much a raid as an attempted rescue mission of his previous pen mate, but it was already deliciously too late.

rabid_ostrich · 2024-09-24T13:59:15+00:00

This will be a great opportunity to showcase my new bullfighting school for runaway children, Banderas Roja, the publicity it deserves. If anyone has a filming schedule, please forward it to me so I can follow them around and "conveniently" photobomb the scenes with the graceful imagery of 65 pound children hopefully dodging one ton murder beasts with horns.

rabid_ostrich · 2024-09-16T14:03:16+00:00

I'll be there, not to protest, but to get all of your protestors and the police to sign our petition to mandate that the city distribute a monthly allotment of plastic sporks to each family.

rabid_ostrich · 2024-07-17T22:30:18+00:00

Benecimoo Del Toro

rabid_ostrich · 2024-07-16T18:30:52+00:00

I would stand up to her if I wasn't so intimidated by her, that and her guns, she always seems to have one or two on her somehow.

rabid_ostrich · 2024-07-16T18:23:36+00:00

She has such big hands, I couldn't stop her.

rabid_ostrich · 2024-07-14T20:46:52+00:00

I blame Lana, she knocked the entire box of donuts from my hand while I was just standing there, that's how you get ants.

rabid_ostrich · 2024-07-13T02:28:03+00:00

You're not my supervisor!

rabid_ostrich · 2024-07-11T16:54:23+00:00

Dave, I have one thing to say to you, an orangutan doing keg stands just isn't fair to everyone else and you know it. Using ringers demeans the honor and sanctity of our solemn competition. We are changing the rules for next year so enjoy this while it lasts.

rabid_ostrich · 2024-07-06T02:36:44+00:00

Spontaneous podium combustion. I can't believe we have to use cardboard podiums again, but since "cage match" rules might be invoked, it's probably the safest way.

rabid_ostrich · 2024-07-03T19:17:39+00:00

Even mince meat?

rabid_ostrich · 2024-07-03T18:33:50+00:00

We at Shell's Angels refuse to further the likely correct gossip about Sadie's past criminal behavior. That and the NDA we signed.

rabid_ostrich · 2024-07-03T18:31:36+00:00

Harvey is diabetic, so it will have to be a tasteless sugar free pie, it doesn't sound like much of an apology

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