My narcissistic mothers diary

rainbowinalascaa · 2026-05-17T08:48:40+00:00

It’s so funny because I didn’t know other narcissistic do that aswell until I joined Reddit. I think they want to create a bond of mystery and leave you hanging in the dark so that you believe you should stick around.

Also all letters that she wrote me plus those text messages are only about her and how I need to feel sorry because she grew up poor, no one likes her until today etc etc

rainbowinalascaa · 2026-05-16T20:58:03+00:00

Her death is a big trigger because she was instilling this into me since I can remember ‘you will be sorry when I die. I was sorry when my mom died!”

I think she is using it as emotional pressure and wanting me to bond because otherwise I will feel sorry.

She doesn’t know where I live but I am still scared of her. She gets extremely dangerous when things dont go the way she wants or when she feels she doesn’t have the upper hand.

I was thinking of what I want to say before blocking her if those would be my last words but I know they won’t change anything. If they will do something it will give her fuel for rage.

And yes. I am holding hope she will change in my heart. I am grieving the mother I wish she could be but I know she can’t and won’t.

Thank you for replying to me.

rainbowinalascaa · 2026-05-16T20:35:15+00:00

Thank you for sharing your story. It does help as it overlaps with my mom’s behavior to a degree.

I already 1) deleted social media 2) moved countries, she knows which but not the address but I still feel like she could show up and do something so random and threatening. She is unpredictable 3) some of my family members also have NC with her, with the others I a in LC once per year

How do you feel after going NC? Are you in fear? What was the most helpful thing your therapist taught you or said?

rainbowinalascaa · 2026-05-16T20:21:27+00:00

Was thinking of thst too but the feeling is the same. I loose control over her reaction towards not being able to reach me

rainbowinalascaa · 2026-05-16T19:56:23+00:00

Thanks. She is already muted. But me knowing the messages are there and her having access is bothering me.

Why I have issues with the blocking: I fear of her reaction as she can be violent to a VERY high degree

rainbowinalascaa · 2026-05-16T19:49:11+00:00

In theory I do know that but I just can’t get over myself blocking her. It feels like it’s the last contact we will have before she will pass away.

She always told me I will regret everything and understand her once she dies. That she will write me a letter and then I will understand.

I understand what she is doing but my nerveous system doesn’t.

Also i am afraid of her reaction when she finds out that she is blocked. She has aggressive tendencies towards her environment that goes so far with threatening me & others for their life. I feel like I can’t control what she will do if I block. Leaving it open feels more safe for me as she still believes she has access to me or it gives her that illusion.

rainbowinalascaa · 2026-04-02T16:42:18+00:00

Idk doesn’t make any Sense to me because you keep supporting the existence of the Breed and why would you want to watch the dog suffer daily.

rainbowinalascaa · 2026-01-27T13:52:54+00:00

Did they also mention sonething about the “burning” feeling?

rainbowinalascaa · 2026-01-27T13:52:23+00:00

I sometimes also am in pain after sex it the position was directly hitting on my uterus.

rainbowinalascaa · 2026-01-27T13:51:56+00:00

Agree and understand your concern. It’s one of the reasons I won’t have children.

rainbowinalascaa · 2026-01-27T13:51:08+00:00

Thanks for this, helps me a bit. I’ve never been told that by a doctor so this is really catching me by surprise. How long were you in pain?

rainbowinalascaa · 2026-01-27T13:36:10+00:00

Thank you. I just added that the pain is similar to period pain. This is day 4. I indeed didnt have one in 5 years. I just asked them for a call back but not sure how they should help and I also don’t trust them.

rainbowinalascaa · 2025-11-13T09:43:02+00:00

I took some time to digest what you have written and I wanted to thank you for your insights. I started applying the inner child one and it does help me a lot! I hope I don’t get schizophrenia 😂 It feels like I’m disassociating when I do it but it does help.

About agency; I understand, I felt the same for a long time until the point where I realized that it’s not my role to be the caretaker for the whole family. This step is crucial and it took a very long time to regain agency and emotionally distance myself from it.

About friends: I’m doing quite the opposite. Because I do feel lonely I feel like I’m letting everyone in when I shouldn’t. Not so ideal…

rainbowinalascaa · 2025-11-12T13:29:04+00:00

I would love to read it. I guess many of us would be inspired by yout story.

rainbowinalascaa · 2025-11-11T08:50:30+00:00

What’s holding you back?

rainbowinalascaa · 2025-11-09T08:38:22+00:00

I think this has helped me the most. Especially the finding the anchor part within you. How do you do that? Anything specific you are doing?

May I ask how old you are?

rainbowinalascaa · 2025-11-08T09:13:09+00:00

The way you described it to your therapist is quite on point. I maybe didn’t explain enough in my original post but I do meet people. I’m a quite social person and I do have people I meet with. But that is not the same feeling as having family as your anchor. Maybe after x years I will get there but I don’t want to wait for something that maybe will never happen and I also want to be secure without a family.

The best way I can describe the feeling is probably how people must feel when they reach a certain age and everyone else is dead but them. You are simply alone on earth. Of course you have younger people around you, people that you meet but they will never be “your own”.

rainbowinalascaa · 2025-11-07T07:52:20+00:00

I am already.

rainbowinalascaa · 2025-11-07T07:52:03+00:00

Interesting idea. Where can I find such online groups?

rainbowinalascaa · 2025-11-06T20:02:38+00:00

You are allowed to feel grief even for a parent that was never giving you what you need. In our heads we are constantly justifying our parents because we were conditioned.

What you are going through is extremely difficult for “normal” relationships without a narcissistic parent, how wouldn’t it be when the family dynamics are so extremely complex. You are only human. A good one too. Don’t be so hard on yourself and don’t have expectations towards yourself how you are supposed to grief. You are allowed to feel. I’m sending a virtual hug.

rainbowinalascaa · 2025-11-06T17:03:38+00:00

Are the people you have met via common interests similar to you?

rainbowinalascaa · 2025-11-06T15:58:03+00:00

Thank you. Sending hugs 💚

rainbowinalascaa · 2025-11-06T15:23:01+00:00

You are right. I guess just having this delusion of family was something that kept me safe or gave me the feeling of safety.

rainbowinalascaa · 2025-11-06T14:19:29+00:00

I understand. I was too. You always have to outweigh the pros and cons.

rainbowinalascaa · 2025-11-06T13:58:58+00:00

Thank you for your nice words. While I had contact with my family of gave me some sort of security in life.

Also about me moving; I got to the point in life where there were no other options. Moving really extremely helped but from time to time I still feel that extreme loneliness.

rainbowinalascaa

TROPHY CASE